Day 15: Seattle - Just Wow

Ok, so I'm well aware that the Vancouver posting was a bit verbose (yay me - I remember a 9th grade vocab word!) If you made it to the end, you know that I was kind of meh on Vancouver as a place to visit for a day, but still liked the city. Consider this your warning for this post - Seattle is AWESOME. If Seattle were a stripper, her name would be Ginger, it would be her first night and every dollar would get you a dance and a beer. Yeah, Seattle was like that, but better and without the clear plastic stilettos.

(Disclaimer: The above statements are all based on hear say. I've never experienced such an outing and think it is awful. This is especially true if you are a future potential date stalking me - I think such places are disgusting and degrading. If you do see Ginger though, tell her I said hi.)

I just don't know where to start on this one, so I'll take it step by step as written in my little journal (it's pink with a lock, unicorn stickers and a feather pen if you must know).

Starbucks

I know their coffee is sub par, their revenue is down and holding their cups are the ultimate sign of being a pretentious prick, but I still love them. Add to the fact that their new promotion gives out free internet access and drink add-ons just for buying a gift card and I'm sold. They are everywhere in Seattle and had me grinning like a fool in love due to my 20 hour caffeine high.

Boeing

Boeing was founded in the Pacific Northwest and has a huge manufacturing plant just north of Seattle in Everett. This plant offers the Future of Flight Aviation Center and Tour where you are taken to the actual factory to see planes being assembled - including the new Dreamliner. I couldn't talk - I was that dumbfounded. At this point, I thought the tour was the best $15 I'd ever spent in my life. I was wrong...

Experience Music Project/Science Fiction Museum and Hall of Fame

What do you do if you co-found one of the world's most successful companies ever and have a few hundred million dollars to play around with? If you're Paul Allen you commission Frank Gehry to build a kick ass building then throw up an unbelievable collection of guitars, verbal histories, videos, hands on displays and an outstanding Jimi Hendrix exhibit.

Still not enough? Relocate the Science Fiction Hall of Fame to an annex you have just sitting there. Fill it with memorabilia that would make any geek, nerd, dweeb or dork wet their pants like it was freshman year in college all over again and you have an instant tourist attraction. Seeing the original model of the Death Star, a Storm Trooper's uniform and a full robot exhibit made me want to cry with both pride and shame.

This double gem was my newest best $15 ever spent, but the day was not over...

Pike Place Market

What can I say - it's a kick ass market.

The seafood is fresh and HUGE!

The meals are yummy and cheap!
The street entertainment was great. You try not to tip two guys playing 867-5309/Jenny on a guitar and accordion. I was cracking up.

Safeco Field

By the time I got to Safeco Field, I was a happy man. The tour guide could have started the tour with a "Kick Chad in the Crotch" contest and it wouldn't have ruined my day. Luckily, Bob the tour guide was not that kind of man. Bob is the kind of man that knows his baseball. He loves baseball. He lives baseball. You have a question - Mariners related or otherwise, Bob knows the answer. Add that kind of knowledge to the fact that the tour covered the following areas, and I had to restrain myself from hugging him at the end:

• The Mariners Suite (Where ownership sits for each game)
  
• Press Box
  
• Visitor's Dugout
  
• Both dugouts
• Media Room
  
• The Diamond club where really rich season ticket holders eat (It had amazingly huge and clear pictures of Ty Cobb, Ruth and Gehrig fishing and Ruth pitching as a member of the Sox).
  All this for only $8? I'm still in awe.
  
  

This was by far the best day of the trip yet. Seattle was amazing. Just unreal. I'm having a hard time not posting 300 more pics...

The night was spent in Jessie M. Honeymoon Memorial State Park in Oregon after a few too many hours of driving, and a couple irritatingly dropped cell calls.

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Wildfires are unfortunately close to Yosemite, so the next leg is still being figured out. Details to come...

Day 14: Ewoks, Olympics and Customs Searches

I'll be the first to admit I'm more than a bit of an oddity - it's very difficult to put me in any one bucket. This was readily apparent while I was in college - I was as smart as the Computer guys, but played basketball, so that didn't group didn't fit. Unfortunately, I was pretty damn bad at basketball, so I didn't fit with those guys either. I wasn't a drinker, so no frats for me, but I'm not religious or retarded, so no church or young republican groups either. I ended up settling with a pretty unique group of friends who have gone on to become slum lords, consultants, auditors, and in the best career change ever, a programmer turned folk-rock cellist.

I've also had a difficult time finding towns that feed my many interests and odd ball desires. The greater Boston area is giving it a good go, but I figured that it wouldn't hurt to check out the west coast in the second leg of this journey. My first stop: Vancouver!

I was lucky enough to approach the city of Vancouver from Vancouver island, which is a brief 2 hour ferry ride away. The approach is an amazing array of treed hills and exposed rocks jutting from the water. The city definitely has beauty on it's side, as well as free health care in exchange for 50% of your annual income and your American citizenship.

During ride from Nanimo to Horseshoe Bay I was able to read up on Vancouver by way of the conveniently provided flyers placed every other yard throughout the ship. While I didn't have time to kayak or hike, I did have half a day to check out some of the attractions.

Stop 1 - The Capilano Suspension Bridge

Honestly, you tell a 12 year old that there is a 450 foot long suspension bridge that sways as you walk and you'll have a kid sprinting to terrify tourists. You tell a 28 year old "man" the same thing, and the fat bastard will jump in his car, run down a few Germans as a warm up and have the time of his life.

Of course, what good would such an attraction be without a little surprise (other than the $30 entry fee)? Usually you get a free picture, or a key chain. Not here - they go all out. They provide a freakin' Ewok-esque tree top village to walk through.

I was honestly expecting a dozen Ewoks to sprint out and hand me a light saber, followed by a team of Wookies to give me back up against the dark side. As is life, such dreams rarely come true, and that was definitely the case here. Luckily I was in good spirits and left a very happy man.


Stop 2 - Downtown
The first thing you notice about Vancouver is how active the city is. Every road has a bike and jogging lane. There are various forms of exercise equipment in, on or around nearly every car you see. The streets aren't filled with large walking eggplants, but instead with people that make you want to say "Yeah, he must work out".

The city itself is quite nice. There are numerous intellectual buildings (museums, libraries, etc) that I quickly walked past, although the Art Gallery had an interesting looking anime/comic/video game display that was not open when I sauntered by.


There are also a ton of displays for the upcoming 2010 Olympics.

The buildings themselves were unusual - they looked like normal skyscrapers, but are much shorter. It is as if concrete were poured over the first 50 floors of an entire city, leaving the exposed top 10-20 floors for use. It's not a bad look, just unexpected.

Stop 3 - Homeward Bound
While living in such a city must be nice, I must still return to my country of origin for weather over 60 degrees. Luckily, the border patrol is a mere hour drive south of the city. I've only been to Canada once before this trip, so I'm not familiar with driving check points. I was kind of expecting a warm reception - something along the lines of "You're back! Great to have you! How was Canada?" to spring from the mouth of an overly welcoming agent. This was certainly not the case.

As you may know, appearances are sometimes used to identify threats to our country. If you are going to cross an American border anytime soon, I would recommend avoiding:

• 3 weeks of facial hair that doesn't quite grow as it should
  
• Smelling like someone who has not washed for 3 days
  
• Red, baggy eyes, greeeeesy (NSFW) hair, bad breath
  
• A license plate held in place by a 4 inch bolt screwed into a 2 inch hole
  
• 7 years worth of red bull, granola bars and water in your back seat
  
• Maps, tour guides and directions for nearly every conceivable path across the United States
  

Once the 10 minutes of questioning and 15 minutes of searching my car for narcotics was complete, I was free to go on my way.

All in all, Vancouver wasn't bad. Not the most exciting day trip, but definitely a nice place to live or visit for a long weekend.

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Next stop Seattle...

Day 13: Part 1 - The Wait List

So I'm finally off the boats after nearly 3 full days of travel and did not manage to change clothes or take a shower in that time. I know, yummy.

Luckily, such a stretch is full of entertainment to share. So without further ado, here is part 1 of my journey back to the mainland:

Imagine this scene, if you will. You've just stumbled off a ferry on which you slept in an uneasy 220 pound ball for most of the night. You're going on day 3 of the same pants and sweatshirt (although your Superman underoos are clean). You are on a race against time to catch the next boat where your name teeters on the top of the stand-by list.

You sprint in to a room full of haggard strangers looking as miserable as the pre-dawn hour will allow. And they're all staring. This is not a funny stare, like "Uh-oh, Chad's on beer #5. He's gonna break out that primal form of defense he calls dancing. Someone please get him a shot so he can't stand up." And it's not a pathetic stare you receive from a classroom of peers when called upon in the middle of a day dream. No, this is a hateful stare. One that can only mean that "Mr. Holmes" has been paged numerous times, to the point where they rue the name.

In symphony, three people ask if you, are in fact, Mr. Holmes. The one on the wait list? With a car to bring aboard? The stares grow more hateful. A cold breeze has filled the room, making you think that Lord Voldemort may in fact be real. What is the best way to handle this? Well, if you're me, you throw on a huge, stubble surrounded smile, put your right hand in the air and greet one and all with a big "Howdy everybody, that's me".

And it worked. Apparently, everyone loves a smart ass at 5am. People laughed. Even the biggest curmudgeons (aka BC Ferries ticket agents) cracked a smile. Maybe it's my boyish good looks, maybe it's the gap filled smile, or maybe a little friendliness (even in semi-mockery) is contagious.

So as my 3 days of ferry travel come to an end, and my driving adventures return to their rambling nature, do me a favor. Throw on a smile. Compliment someone. Smile at that cutie in the hall and make eye contact. Maybe even send some naked pictures to someone that would enjoy them. Meanwhile, I'm gonna try and get in some trouble that you guys can enjoy.

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And as always, here are some photos and a map for your enjoyment.

The smaller carbon-based beings tucked in Big Blue


I figure touring a former whore house might turn my luck with the ladies around. Check out the flowers - they are old silk condoms. Yeah, I'm sure those worked great.

A view of the Ketchikan's Creek Street

Up next - Part 2 - I Just Want to Sleep...!

Day 13: Part 2 - I Just Want To Sleep!

Last we left our pudgy hero, he was waving, grinning and making British Columbians smile (they smuggle herring, not nose candy like normal Columbians)...

As you may imagine, riding ferries for three straight days can be tiring. You're sleeping options are either chairs that are less comfortable than a hot sauce enema, dining room tables, or multi-colored carpets smelling of sawdust and lysol. Luckily for me, the final leg of this travel arrived at 11pm and required a 5 hour drive to the next destination, so I had the opportunity to try all three.

Please do enjoy the hijinks that ensued:

The Chairs

I have to give it up to BC Ferries on this one. The chairs were actually quite nice and comfortable, relatively speaking of course. Unfortunately the surroundings weren't as palatable. Where do you usually find reclining leather chairs? Right - in a movie theater. And where do you usually find the diaper clad leaders of tomorrow on epic voyages such as this? Right - in front of the only tv on the ship.

Between the crying, gagging, coughing, threats, pleads and occasional odd smell, it is impossible to sleep with imprisoned children nearby. I honestly have no idea how Nicholas the Shepard and Stephen of Cloyes were able to lead the Children's Crusade. I don't care if the big man upstairs walked along side me as I led them, I'd probably still try to find a cliff to lead them over while He was tending to His other duties.

Dining Room Tables

These were actually a pretty good option. The chairs are passable, the tables bolted down, and most of the other patrons were playing cards or eating, so the noise was minimal. After just a few pages of Nickel and Dimed (NOTE: I would only recommend this to certain people - for some it will be an eye opener, while others would scoff at it), I was out like a light. By my estimation I got nearly 2 full hours of sleep.

Now the sleeping wasn't the issue here, it was the way in which I was awoken. If you are in a slumber comparable to Yogi and Boo Boo's on Valentine's day, there are very few things that will wake you up. I now know that 4 teenagers clad in white kitchen aprons and braces frantically shaking you can be added to the list.

And when such an occasion arises, what may be the first thing you'd want to hear? Maybe, "You were having a nightmare, so we woke you" or "Here have some cake", but certainly not, "OH MY GOD WE THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD!!! WE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO". Add to that the fact that all the surrounding tables were clad in spotless white table clothes to match the aprons, and I didn't have a clue if I was in purgatory or the Alaskan Panhandle.

The Carpet

In case you didn't read my previous entry (and how dare you!), I had not washed or changed clothes for nearly three days at this point in my travels. It's not that I am a slob (though I am), but there were just no facilities for me to use. Because of this, I had worked up a nice stench representing a combination of freshly dug earth, chicken manure and my own personal scent - Eau d'Fat Man Running.

While the others on the ship may have been aromatically offended, I had come to quite enjoy my contribution to the vessel. It was with great pride that I laid upon a floor which I could claim to be the smelliest object despite stains that hinted of contenders for the title. With my head propped on my sleeping bag and my sweatshirt used as a makeshift blanket, I was out for what I assumed would be the duration of the trip.

One thing I've yet to mention in this post is the make up of my travel companions. I had assumed they would be a bunch of locals, but to my surprise, they were not. Instead, they were a clan of tall, broad shouldered, blond haired, blue eyed Germans, their children and their meager husbands.

Now Germans are known for the ability to withhold emotion and take all events in stride. Unless, of course, whales are involved, in which case all bets are off. It was during one of these Aryan stampedes that I awoke to find a frantic elderly Fraulein attempting to spot the humpbacked mammal. This would have been fine if she'd not been standing directly over my head, a heel adjacent to either ear.

I do have to admit that it could have been worse. She apparently anticipated a chilly day and had dressed accordingly, leaving her skirt packed away. I can only imagine the resulting trauma had this been a tropical cruise.

The result of such sleep deprivation and lack of green tea, coffee or red bull left me in a most curious state. Luckily, a food service employee saw that I was in a weird state and struck up a conversation:

Employee: "Did you see the whale?"
A Groggy Me: "Yeaaahhh. They are BIIIIGGGG."
Employee: "I know, but there are small ones too."
A Groggy Me: "Really? That would be cool to see a small one and a big one."
Employee: "Yeah - the small ones are usually the baby whales."
My Internal Monologue: "Shite, even the food service guy thinks I'm SPECIAL".

At that point I excused myself and silently wept for the duration of the trip through the Inside Passage.


You'll be glad to know that the 5 hour drive was completed successfully (and uneventfully) which led to my arrival in Vancouver at 8 am (after one last, short ferry ride).

Next - Day 14: Ewoks, Olympics and Custom Searches

Days 13: No internet!!! - Q and As

I'm probably stuck in a ferry somewhere between Metlakatla and Vancouver, so I figured I'll throw a little Q and A your way...

1. My Mom
You guys seem to love her. She rocks (that should about fill my quota of good stuff to get all my Christmas presents this year). The fact that she confused Colbert (as in Steven) with Cobalt (the old school programming language) is damn impressive. The feats of teaching 3 aerobics classes a day, working with people of all ages to help them live a healthier life and doing it for next to nothing is unheard of. She bugs the hell out of my brother's and I, but everyone else loves her to death. What can I say - there could be much worse, but not much better (that should get me an extra LL Bean gift card in December). And for the record - her fiancee is a damn saint for putting up with her.

2. My grooming habits
You guys asked, so I'll show and tell. I haven't cut the mop top in a while, and I don't plan to anytime soon. There are no girls in the picture to strongly suggest that I should and work doesn't really require it. I also haven't shaved for a while, so here is the overall effect:

I haven't come this close to looking homeless since the night a certain friend locked me out of his apartment and I had to sleep with the Boston street people for 30 minutes or so.

Don't worry - I'm still flossing, brushing, gargling, clipping and trimming. And I make sure my "If you are reading this, we both have some big problems" tramp stamp is nice and clean every morning.

3. The "Day 8: Help Me Colbert - You're My Only Hope" geek references
One is a reference to Stephen Colbert's campaign against bears. The quote itself is a reference to the message that Princess Leia sends to Obi Wan in "Star Wars" - "Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi; you're my only hope."

4. "I will sleep with your girlfriend so bears don't eat the dog"
This was more a solution to a real life logic problem than anything. Here are the hints:

• All sites can have one car and two tents, or two cars and one tent, but not two cars and two tents
  
• All dogs must be kept in cars so bears don't smell them
  
• Bears could well eat dogs they smell
  
• Someone should be in the car with the dog
  
• The dog is too excited to sleep when my bro's girlfriend is around

See - totally innocent, but well worth repeating.

5. Mount Holmes
Hell - if that is a command to the FGOCs, then I'm all for it. In fact, maybe I should start selling "I hope to be a Future Gal of Chad" t-shirts, visors and panties. I'm just happy to have a mountain named after someone that might be a very distant relative.

I'll be back in the continental US soon enough, so look for another post soon. And I'll soon be able to text and phone again once I am back. So if you've missed hearing from me, I'll make sure you don't feel that way much longer in just a few days.

Day 12: Top 10 Revelations

Timothy Austin from Portland, ME writes: "So I love a good Top 10 List every now and again...". What Timmy wants, Timmy gets, so here are the top 10 revelations that have occurred to me in the first leg of this trip.

1. Blogging is time consuming...

When I first thought of writing this blog, I assumed I'd just sit down and type out whatever is in my head. I did this a couple times without publishing it, and realized a few things:

• I have no idea how I'm a productive member of society. My neurons only seem to fire in the computer, math, boobies and sports section of my brain (not in that order). For the record, I'm only good with at most two of those subjects.
  
• My grammar is horrible. Speaking to me is like putting together a verbal jigsaw puzzle. Oooh - a simple noun/verb pairing, that might be the start of a sentence! Rewriting these thoughts so they are coherent takes a little more time than I expected.
  
• I now feel the burden of being a celebrity (this is sarcasm, not assholedness). Upwards of 40 people read the blog each day, probably more since the folks at SSF haven't conquered the art of sharing URLs and are content to print out the blog each day. I can't let my myriad fans be disappointed, so I'm trying to keep it at least a little entertaining.

2. ...But worth it

If I have to listen to one more person say how much fun Space Mountain is, or talk of the grandeur of the Cathedral of Notre Dame like they helped build it, or that the Mona Lisa was a disappointment, I might just puke. You're on vacation people, live it up. Would you rather have a journal that says
"Went to Disney today, rode the rides, nearly peed myself, had fun"
or one that says:
"Disney rocked today. Between rides I slapped Cinderella's ass, stole a fry from a fat kid, snuck into the employee only area and got a picture of me licking Pluto's face."
The blog forces me to record the memorable stuff and skip the obvious. Well worth it.

3. I am spoiled (Sorry, this one is a little serious)

I've met a ton of people over the last few days that made me realize how lucky I am. I'm young, healthy, usually the hottest person waking up in my bed each morning and make a decent living. Most importantly, I rediscovered friends and family after a few years of loving "stuff" too much. I've met a lot more people in cars packed with bags, animals and friends that are having a great time than those rolling around in spacious RVs towing Hummers (and often screaming children).

4. State/Country lines mean very little to a traveler

Every time I've crossed a state line, or even into Canada, I expected to feel different. Maybe a different smell in the air, or hear a different accent. At one point I even said, "Wow, that guys sounds like he has a Minnesotan accent even though we are 10 miles into South Dakota." The only thing these imaginary lines mean is that the sales tax is going to change, and usually the legal age of consent will too. Ultimately, they just don't mean a whole lot to travelers.

5. America is big

Seriously - in a matter of a week I saw 2 oceans, a couple great lakes, rolling hills, endless pine forests, jagged mountains, deserts and glacial ice sheets. The temperature has ranged from near freezing in British Columbia to nearly 100 in South Dakota. I've seen real cowboys, bison, whales and dolphins. And not once did I have to enter an airplane. All of that one the same continuous piece of land is amazing.

6. Long road trips are best taken with someone you can tell to "F*** Off"

I never would have made it through the first leg of this trip if I had to be polite and PC with everything I did. Sometimes things get frustrating and you need to be able to speak freely, even if you're wrong. If you're traveling with a stuck up ass-hat that loves to hold a grudge, you'll end up getting way too stressed (Seriously - TRUST ME on this one, I have a little experience here). Sometimes a good verbal slap fight is all you need to liven up a day.

7. You can sleep cheap

It's amazing how much money you can save if you drop $200 on camping equipment. I think the most expensive night for 3 people so far has been $40. KOAs in general are great - they have great showers, tolerable staff, skim the pool for turds daily and usually provide decent internet access. State parks have also been big winners so far.

8. You can travel cheap, if you have time and can defend yourself

I know, there is a huge gas crisis in our country, but I have still only spent about $500 to go 4,000+ miles. A flight for that distance runs in the $800 range. Greyhound would be even cheaper, but you'll have to deal with the people that ride greyhound - good luck. Even sleeping can be cheap if you don't mind the stained floor of a bus terminal. Believe me, sometimes sleeping with homeless people can be quite comfortable (especially if you've drank more than they have).

9. TV is overrated - but I'll still end up watching too much of it

It is amazing what you can do with the time in your life if you're not watching TV. I've completed 1 book, and am almost done with another. I've written a ton of blogs (the quality of which is still to be determined). And best of all, I've seen some amazing sites that few get to. Guess what though - I return in a little over two weeks and will fall right back into the same routine. Work all day, go for a jog or hit the gym, crash in front of the tv and skim eHarmony with limited luck. I don't like it, but it's what I do.

And if you dislike commercials now, go two weeks without seeing them and rewatch them. They are insane. Cell phone commercials with families going to nude beaches. Brendan Fraser still acting. Ads for the Seahawks season. Who really wants to watch that crap?

10. Ethanol kills gas mileage

I tried filling up on 10% ethanol gas a few times since it was cheaper. There was a reason - it dropped my gas mileage by 10-20% but only lowered the price by 2.5%. You might as well water down my fuel at that point. Maybe the flex cars are great, but I don't have one and probably won't soon, so warn dummies like me first.

And in honor of Scotty and Janine, who I just left in Metlakatla a few hours ago, let me introduce everyone to "Chaz Hands". This new form of celebration is saved for the most special of occasions when my alter ego breaks out and gets excited. Chaz hands must be experienced to truly be appreciated, but resemble "Jazz Hands" or "Happy Fingers". I believe Janine coined the term, but I very well could be wrong.

So to the two of you (and Moose) - it was a great trip and I had a blast. You're gonna rock Alaska's socks off.

Day 11: A Day on the Boats

Alright, so here's the deal. I rode two ferries for over 8 hours today. Before the comments are overridden with questions pulled directly from the gutter, let me give a few answers:

• No, I'm not sore
  
• In fact, I did enter from the rear of the ship, and somewhat towards the bottom
  
• The motion of the ocean didn't do much for me, but the size of one of the ships was quite impressive

If those answers don't satiate you're appetite for poorly veiled homoerotic references, feel free to ask away. Just try to keep the questions original. Comments like "Ha! Ferry - you're gay! Where ya going next, a gay strip club with gay naked gay dudes dancing gayly?" are boring, horribly unoriginal and are the grammatical equivalent of my typical first (and usually only) date with soon to be former members of FGOCs.

The first 3 hours of today's itinerary consisted of Big Blue being loaded to the hilt and waiting in line to board the boat while I sat in the lobby preparing for a big day of, well, more sitting.

Once we were all aboard, we were off on a 6 hour journey from Prince Rupert, AB to Ketchikan, AK. There were some amazing views along this journey including:

My brother and his girlfriend posing in front of Ketchikan, AK

A cruse ship being crushed, "Kids in the Hall" Style

Snow capped mountains overlooking ocean front homes

And my brother posing with what appears to be a homeless man

After a quick turnaround, we jumped right on a ferry to Metlakatla, AK - the new home to two of the best teachers that Maine has to offer and their pet Moose.

After an hour long jaunt around Annette Island, we finally tracked down some lodging the cleverly named "Tuck 'Em Inn"

Amazingly enough, the accommodations were as cozy as the name would have you believe. The furniture was comfortable, the tv large and the internet slow. All in all, I couldn't complain.

I'm also happy to give two-tid bits that would fall in the miscellaneous category (because everything else is so logical and well laid out):

1. Disappearances by Howard Frank Mosher is a great read. I was turned on to Mosher by his book Waiting for Teddy Williams which is even better and a must read for New England baseball fans (not about that Ted Williams though).
   
2. My brain-to-mouth filter is starting to fail again. Driving around a very small island sarcastically yelling "There's another good trailer for ya" with the windows down is not smooth. Telling someone that you hardly know over the phone that you are finally wearing clean underwear again after a trip to the laundromat is just plain stupid.

Off tomorrow to help everyone find a place to live, then lots more time on the boats. I wonder how people will react to an unshaven, disheveled man watching Superbad on his MacBook. Please send bail money if you don't hear from me soon...