Day 20: Castro and Driving

Despite my friend Robert's best effort, my final day in San Francisco was less than eventful. Even with a visit to the Castro district I was unable to come up with a good story to end the second leg of my travels. (This may be one time that I am thankful for such a bland day).

After that stroll and a thorough APBA ass whooping, I was off to Williams, AZ in preparation for the Grand Canyon.

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I could go into detail of zipping through the Mojave Desert at high rates of speed, but three sentences should just about cover it: "I went fast. I nearly dirtied my Wonder Woman Underoos. I'm still alive."

So in order to keep you entertained, here is another Q&A session (and some completely unrelated pictures):

Why aren't you posting as often?
What can I say - I live an exciting life. Between rolling dice, viewing computers that are 40 years old and riding on ferries, I just can't seem to find the time. Actually - the trip back is in a shorter time span and there aren't as many campgrounds with internet access. I've actually gone a whole 2 days with no internet at one point - Egads! Don't worry - the days are being chronicled and will be posted soon. Until then, the few privileged with the knowledge of my phone number can call to get updates.

A man of such great masculinity and pure sexuality must require companionship on the road. How have you been fulfilling your manly desires?
Whoever asked this question knows me all too well. What can I say - some men have to carry greater burdens than others, and this is the life that has been chosen for me. I've become partial to interstate rest areas and the occasional truck stop - mostly because it costs me less than the brothels. Plus the post-coital bliss is intensified by the rounded bellies of big rig drivers.
(NOTE: If you've never met me - please read this again with the greatest sarcasm possible. If you're thinking of employing me and stumbled upon this blog - I guess I made that decision easy for you. Good luck filling the position.)

Is it lonely traveling alone?
Traveling with Scotty, Janine and Moose was awesome. They are among the few beings on this planet that have any tolerance for extended periods of time in my presence (and vice versa). I do miss the walkie-talkie conversations and discussions on the origin of life, globalization and flatulence, but am coping well without them. Luckily I have made some GREAT changes to the schedule that have left me too excited to be lonely - check back soon for details (If you are an English teacher, this could be used for your discussion on foreshadowing - it could also get you early retirement.) Seriously though - no, it's not that bad.

How's the facial hair going?
You be the judge (and be more Paula than Simon...)

Did you go to the original Starbucks?
I tried to go to the one in Pike Place Market, which I believe is the original. The line was literally out the door with people looking like they hate the Starbucks stereotypes and just happened to stop by that one. I figured one more irritated jackass was unnecessary so I went and grabbed some gelatto instead.

Is your dating life that bad that you're mother is pimping you out in the comments of your blog?
I wish I could say no...

What's it like?/You think I should do it?/Are you enjoying it?

• It's like what it sounds like - something different everyday followed by lots of driving. The stories are as good as you're willing to make them - it's a lot easier to ignore a German lady straddling you than it is to make light of the situation.
  
• If you like having no real plans, eating up your savings at a good rate (don't worry - I'm nowhere close to broke - I still have a few McDonald's coupons left), showering in locker rooms, living in a constant state of sweat and just not giving a sh*t, then it might be for you. This is a much larger conversation.
  
• And yes, I'm having a decent time. It will only get better in the coming days.

Day 9: Bears, Fat Kids and Pepperoni Sticks

As you may have noticed, this little vacation I am taking involves a lot of driving. We have already eliminated one day earlier in the trip so we could hike the Badlands. We decided to do the same today in order to have a day off before I have three days of straight ferry riding.

The morning started at 5 am Mountain Time in Jasper, Alberta and ended about 13 hours and nearly 700 miles later in Prince Rupert, BC.

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On a trip of this magnitude, you find a lot of things to keep you busy. After exhausting my iPod play lists (especially James Taylor, Ben Folds, Barenaked Ladies and Jimmy Buffet) and many of my pod casts (This American Life, Car Talk and The Junkies), I decided to start jotting down some of my observations for your enjoyment:

Convenience Stores

These things go by a variety of names - Gas Stations, C-Stores, Kum-N-Go (yes, really) and offer even more services. Where else can you eat 3 day old hot dogs, buy flavored, colored condoms (and the pills that help get the job done) in a bathroom, get 2 jumbo kit kats for $1.19, and of course, work with wonderful people and pepperoni sticks?

Unless there is some kind of candy, processed meat and erection related products emporium, I think the Convenience Stores have this market cornered.

Bears

I know, I hit on it yesterday, but when you leave a campground one morning with this being the last thing you see, then you can over-write about it too.

And without bears, I never would have been able to utter this statement to my bro: "I will sleep with your girlfriend so bears don't eat the dog." Yes, it was entirely innocent and there was logic behind it, but I'll let you guess on what that logic may be.

Drive Throughs

I'd say this could only happen in America, but it was actually in British Columbia. The picture does more justice than I ever could with words.

I was as giddy as a fat kid at a breakfast buffet when I got this pic.

Tomorrow is a slacker day where my brother and I will be supporting the local Indian Casino while exploring Prince Rupert. Then off to Ketchikan and Metlakatla on Thursday.

Day 8: Help Me Colbert - You're My Only Hope*

There aren't a lot of things that can throw me for a complete loop. Must stuff I can take in stride and you'd never even notice me flinch - mostly thanks to the demands of consulting which have transformed my nerves from goo to steel (or at least aluminium, as the Canucks say). Every now and then though, someone will utter a semi-coherent thought that totally surprises me or freaks me out. Off the top of my head, here are a few that I have heard lately:

• (In a loud whisper)"You're card is being denied"
• "There is increased bear activity in the campground."
• "Don't let the dog out since it will attract bears."
• "Don't wear deodorant, use toothpaste, apply cosmetics or breath, since it will attract bears"
• "Did I mention the bears in this campground?"
• "No, our wireless is not working"

As you can guess, a few of those perked my ears and made me clench my sphincter. Luckily the card was just being protected by my bank, and the bears have yet to eat me as of this writing. The final comment was just a horrible thought though. No internet! For a whole day! And no cell service to check my email!? I nearly cried - I'm man enough to admit it. I think a tear or two may have slipped out.

Luckily, a 10 hour drive landed us in Jasper, Alberta, Canada - which the local website assures me is a "gateway to some of the most majestic, pristine and accessible wilderness Canada has to offer".

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As my travel companions and I explored the tourist trap that was main street, I saw my salvation - an internet cafe offering affordable rates and a power outlet. I quickly plopped my rotund rump in a well worn chair and got my high speed fix. All was good in the world.

And it is from this internet cafe that I now write to you - my dozens of loyal readers who seem to take enjoyment in the stew that is my brain. You will all be glad to know that the trip continues and we are aiming for Prince Rupert, BC tomorrow (one day early to take a much needed break from driving).

And what would a post be without pictures:

Some more ridiculously bluish-green water.


The water with its' friend, Mr. Mountain


Big Blue driving towards Big Mountain


That Guy


Beware of humping bears???


Q&A appears to be a popular subject, so send in those questions (trip related, or otherwise). I'll be posting some more answers soon (including a discussion of my grooming habits - Watch Out!).


*You should get at least one of these two geek references. Bonus points for both.

Day 6: Yellowstone!

There aren't a whole lot of things that I regret in this life - if you've spoken with me for more than 5 minutes, then you probably know exactly what they are. (Side note - I've found 4.5 minutes is about the length I can talk to ladies on the phone before I get nervous and make some excuse to hang up. I think it's some weird defense mechanism to protect them from early exposure to my uniqueness). Of those things I do regret, I've made up for a lot of them over the last year and a half.

Unfortunately I have to report the regret of a lifetime in this posting. On the trip from Livingston, MT (just north of Yellowstone) to West Glacier, MT (home of Glacier National Park) we passed through a town named Butte.

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Now Butte, as most of us know, is pronounced "Bute" with a long 'u'. Of course, my brother and I have the combined maturity of a 13 year old, so his girlfriend had the joy of listening to butt jokes for well over 100 miles until we reached this tract of single level homes and run down strip malls.

One thing we didn't realize was that there is a big rig weigh station in the town of Butte. And at this station there is a sign. A very large, very yellow sign. And that sign clearly states the purpose of the weigh station in the simplest possible terms: "BUTTE SCALE". If there was ever a picture that needed to be taken, this was it. Who could resist staring at two ghostly Irish arses situated upon an aptly named Butte Scale? Unfortunately, we were slow on the shutter and unable to break in time. I fear that I will take this one to the grave, for there are very few Buttes in this world. Some day, if I am truly lucky, I will arrive at Crested Butte, CO after a long hike or bike ride. Only then will I be able to whip out my camera, snap a photo at the most unusual of angles and be able to finally die a peaceful death.

Of course, a glorious day can be made despite the disappointment of a lifetime. Today was the day to visit Yellowstone.


While we had to cancel all hikes (including day 2 which will now be spent hiking Glacier, also without Moose) due to the pet unfriendliness of the park (apparently bears like to eat dogs), we still enjoyed a nice 2 hour, relatively tourist free drive through the northwest corner.


This is only a tiny portion of a gigantic park that I will have to visit at a later date. Be warned FGOCs (Future Gals of Chad), one of you will probably be dragged along on the trip. Feel free to fight amongst yourselves for this pleasure and let me know who the lucky lady is. A single elimination jello wrestling tournament is preferred, but mud or baby oil can be used if lime jello is unavailable.

And what would this posting be without some random shots of the day. Enjoy.

Brotherly Love


Alaska's Newest Teachers


Someone Knew We Were Coming


The Lead Driver and Navigator of Leg 1



Hiking Glacier tomorrow...

Day 3: Badlands!

Alright, I was gonna complain about some be-atch at the campground in this blog entry, but these pictures are too great to let me be cranky:


These are all of Badlands National Park in South Dakota. Let me point out that these pics don't do the Badlands justice. It is amazing - my combination of an untrained eye with a simple digital camera couldn't grab how truly awesome it actually is.

First thing tomorrow morning, my bro and I will be hitting it up for a 6.6 mile hike that will require avoidance of rattlesnakes. If you read about 2 men found huddled together and, dead from dehydration due to crying in the Badlands wilderness, feel free to assume that it is the two of us.

Now for a quick run down of the day:

Rollin', Rollin' Rollin'

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521 miles, roughly 7 hours (I LOVE 75 mph Speed Limits)

My Bro's First Sonic Experience

There is a reason that we are all a bit portly. My bros and I love our food.

Windmills/Windfarms throughout Minnesota

I still don't understand why there aren't more of these nation wide. I really think the birds will fly around them and they actually look kind of cool on the horizon.

NPR

NPR is everywhere out here. I have no problem finding a new station once one gets out of range. On top of that, the local shows are actually pretty good. No babbling Diane Rehm to listen to.

Adult Superstores

They are spaced at convenient intervals. Now, I've not found the need to pick up a 12 pack of wild west themed DVDs or novelty gifts for this journey, but I know if I ever need to, they can be found roughly every 100 miles along highway 90.

So despite lots of driving for the third straight day, a PITA owner at the local campground (it rhymes with 'Lad Bands A-OK'*) and smelling like a Motel 8 after an RNC convention, it turned out to be a decent day after all. Hiking and relaxing tomorrow. Yellowstone in 2 days!

*This could also be the motto of MTV program directors in the late 90s/early 00s.

Day 2: Catholic School Girls (this should get my hit count up!)

There is nothing quite like a red bull in the morning. Except maybe 2. Used to chase a latte. A really big latte. After a 4 mile run. And so was the start of Day 2. Despite the long Day 1 and a warm night in the tents, we were back on the road towards Alaska. (Side note: A friend pointed out that green tea is much healthier. I agree, but you try to stock green tea in a cooler meant for beer. Not easy.)


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An hour into the drive, we passed the Hall of Fame that you only thought couldn't exist. That's right - the Recreational Vehicle and Manufactured Housing Hall of Fame. Now, I may have an active imagination, but not even I could make this up. This is an actual 80,000 square foot space dedicated to celebrating "Affordable Housing". I just don't know what else to say - the site says it all.

Just down the road from that gem was South Bend, IN. The home of the College Football Hall of Fame. While I was unaware of this, it did not surprise me all that much. Of course, this was skipped due to time constraints in order to focus on a brief tour of the Notre Dame Campus.


All I can say is "Wow". An absolutely amazing campus. It is clean, the buildings are big and impressive, the history is well known. More importantly, the girls are old enough, repressed enough, smart enough and Catholic enough to make college a lot of fun. I would say that I will be sending my first born son here, but as my brother pointed out, that requires a mate to breed with, and, well, most of us know how that is going (maybe romantic thoughts like that are helping to hold me back...)



After a hair raising 2 hour stop on the Chicago "Express Highway" in which we traveled a total of 20 miles we zoomed west towards the KOA in Rochester, MN. If you are ever in need of such lodging in this beautiful area, I highly recommend the KOA. It has a pool, foosball table, clean bathrooms and WiFi. That's right - the same things that impress a 12 year old impress me. Add boobies to that previous sentence and I think you have it all.

All in all, a stressful, but productive day. 623 total miles in right around 11 hours despite the troubles in Chicago. The extra driving has paid off - we have already knocked a day from the trip which we are using to hike in the Badlands (where we are driving tomorrow). Mmmmmmm...

A couple side notes:
1. I am driving the Saab solo. My bro, his girlfriend and their dog are in the FJCruiser and leading the way. We communicate by walkie talkie to avoid dead spots in the cell coverage. Walkie Talkies are awesome ("Roger that", "ten-four", "over and out", "big dog" and "breaker breaker one nine" have been uttered roughly 723 times in two days.)

2. I know my HTML - I was just lazy. I'll try to remember to make the links pop up in new windows from now on. On that note - HTML is NOT A PROGRAMMING LANGUAGE - it is simply a markup language. If you ever speak with or interview someone who says "I program in HTML" punch them. Hard.

3. Feel free to leave comments - anonymous or otherwise. I'll try to respond to any requests. Also, feel free to share the blog with anyone who might enjoy it. I get quite a kick out of the life I lead, so I might as well share that with others.

Day 1: Miles and Milestones

My inability to stick to the simplest plans absolutely blows my mind. We're gonna meet for dinner and a drink? Nah, I've decided to stay home and play PS2 instead. I'm gonna train for a 5k? Might as well make it a 10 miler. We should start off easy and only drive 500 miles? Pa-shaw and screw that. We're doing 700+. And so was the first day. With the big blue monster filled to the hilt and the saab not far behind, the first real day of the journey was underway. 725 miles, and 12 hours later (not to mention 4 hours after our original destination) we finally reached East Harbor State Park on the Ohio section of Lake Erie.

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"How", you may ask, "are you blogging if you are in state park?". Well, it has come to the attention of many state park agencies (including Maine and Ohio) that people don't go camping to actually camp. They go camping so they can drag all their worldy possessions to a location where no on can contact them on a cell phone. They then set up their DVD players, tvs, microwaves and MacBooks to enjoy the luxuries of home with ringing phones exchanged for mosquito bites. Needless to say, said MacBooks MUST have a WiFi connection to be fully effective, so the state parks have met the demands of the people. I am not completely happy about this, so I am frowning while taking advantage of the WiFi. That'll show them.

Anyway - not a whole lot of sites were seen today. As my brother pointed out, "New York State is freakin' huge" - about 400 miles east to west to be exact. This span is home to the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, Boxing Hall of Fame in Canastota, Women's Rights National Park in Seneca Falls and Niagara Falls all within a few hours drive of each other. Not a bad stretch of history, but we had places to be and miles to drive, so they all were skipped for this leg.

The real excitement came towards the end of the short Pennsylvania stretch of Day 1 as my trusty Saab hit 100,000 miles! Nearly 70,000 of these miles have been driven by me. And despite one new turbo thanks to a botched oil change, leather seats ripped form my brother's car and numerous new tires and brake pads, this dark blue beauty still seems to be running well.

Two last notes - 1. I drove through Sandusky, OH today. That's right - the home of the fictional Callahan Auto Parts. Just awesome. 2. Northern Ohio is GREAT when it comes to water parks. Why? Because they are all HUGE and indoors. But not completely indoors, as the below photo can attest. No, the slides actually go outside than back in. Yeah, that is some cool stuff.


Anyway - a rather bland post today. Notre Dame and driving through Chicago tomorrow. And if you don't own walkie talkies, go buy them now. They are AWESOME...

Day 0*: Tears and Beers

Bloating. Cramps. Gas. Some people may blame this on "The Change" (Hi Mom!). Or maybe bad shrimp. Or maybe you went to your brother's going away party at Red Robin.

A word of advice - if you're going to have a four course meal, don't do it at this outstanding establishment. When the waitress asks if you want Onion Rings, don't reply "Please, we want 2 orders!". When you have the chance to order a burger topped with bacon, eggs and guacamole, pass it up. When the waitress comes back and says "Our desserts usually feed 3-4 people", believe her. Pretty much, be anti American if you visit this most American of eateries.

And while you're at it, don't have those 3 extra beers once you get home. Or the Root beer Schnapps. I could go into detail, but sometimes a picture does more justice than words ever could:

Needless to say, the start of Day 0 did not see yours truly feeling like a million bucks. Luckily, a long, cleansing run with my mom, followed by a double-d breakfast provided by her way too patient fiancee put me right back into the swing of things. After some packing of cars, obligatory photos, hugs, handshakes and tears, we were finally on the road.

Unfortunately, so was every Mass-hole, spoiled Rhode Island trust fund baby (sorry ICH - you know it's true), and speedo clad OOB patron. Despite the challenges brought on by such people who should never be allowed to enter the beautiful state of Maine (or NH or VT for that matter), we were able to make it to our first stop with no major problems (other than a couple stops for adjustments of a couple bike and cargo straps).

All in all, a very good Day 0. Up bright and early for Day 1 tomorrow - New York State, here we come!


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*If you are unsure why I start counting at 0, ask your favorite Computer Scientist.

Leg 3: Hiking, Highways and Home

Homecoming. A joyous occasion for 90% of high school students. On no other evening can you guarantee pep rallies, bonfires, furry mascots and the loss of virginity (in the classiest of towns, this can all happen simultaneously). While I don't expect all of these in the final leg of my trek, a boy can hope for at least one or two.

This leg of my journey will see me leaving the West Coast hospitality of Robert and Dwight for unknown adventures in the storied west. National parks will be crossed off my list, ballparks will be visited, and the Midwest will have the chance to show that it has more to offer the world then some great beef and a few super consultants.

(Editor's note: Please don't confuse Robert and Dwight for "Robert and Dwight". They both have very nice and attractive female companions. It gives me a lot of hope, because if those two can be so lucky, then I might have a chance too!).

And just as it looks like the last visit has been made, the last trail hiked and the last tank filled, I will visit one of the most perfect towns ever created (even if the fame is unwarranted).

So without further adieu, my final itinerary of the journey...

	Date	Start Location	End Location	Miles	Time	Notes
Day 22	Monday, August 4	Grand Canyon National Park	Zion National Park	254	4:51	A morning hike followed by an afternoon drive. I may need these to help me contain my excitement.
Day 23	Tuesday, August 5	Zion National Park	Denver, CO	634	9:17	Another morning hike and afternoon drive through Bryce Canyon. I might even stop and visit one of the few Dookies (NSFW!) I actually like.
Day 24	Wednesday, August 6	Denver, CO	Kansas City, MO	603	8:45	Batting practice for the Sox in KC.
Day 25	Thursday, August 7	Kansas City, Mo	Knoxville, TN	732	11:13	Might have to get some friends of the road to keep me awake.
Day 26	Friday, August 8	Knoxville, TN	Shenandoah National Park	371	5:56	Drive through Great Smokey Mountains National Park.
Day 27	Saturday, August 9	Shenandoah National Park	Cooperstown, NY	442	7:23	Baseball HOF!!!
Day 28	Sunday, August 10	Cooperstown, NY	Pelham, NH	257	4:32	Home Sweet Home
Day 29	Monday, August 11	Boo	Hoo	0	0:00	Crying as I boot up my machine for the fist time in 28 days

3,300 dusty miles for the finale.

10,500 total miles @ 25mpg = 420 gallons of gas. You can do the math from there.

So those are the plans. Can I stick to them? Will I run out of money? Luck? Patience? Check back for updates, pictures and stories as frequently as I can post them...

Leg 1: Coast to Coast the Saab Way

While I've been trying to convince myself that a 10,000 mile jaunt can in fact be a laid back, relaxed, worry free venture, this may not entirely be the case. Between a bevy of pink, alcohol infused beverages this past weekend, my travel mates for leg 1 of this sure to be epic tail pulled me aside and got me to start doing some planning.

I've come up with a rough, 10 day outline that will get us from Skowhegan, ME, the home of Margaret Chase Smith, The Skowhegan State Fair and Guitar Hero Legend Chaz Holmes (no relation) to Metlakatla, AK, the home of...I'll get back to you on that one.

Here's a little breakdown of this part of the journey. Don't stop believing that it will be a blast. (See what I did there with the Journey reference. Yeah, I'm good.)

	Date	Start Location	End Location	Miles	Time	Notes
Day 0	Sunday, July 13	Skowhegan, ME	Pelham, NH	186	3:20
Day 1	Monday, July 14	Pelham, NH	Brockton, NY	516	8:38
Day 2	Tuesday, July 15	Brockton, NY	Portage, IN	449	7:33	Lunch at Notre Dame
Day 3	Wednesday, July 16	Portage, IN	Martin County, MN	504	8:32	There is literally NO reason to stop in Martin, except that we must sleep at some point. Sorry to the good folks of Martin (both of you) for my bluntness
Day 4	Thursday, July 17	Martin, MN	Badlands National Park, SD	392	6:19	Major National Park #1 AND Mt. Rushmore!
Day 5	Friday, July 18	Badlands National Park, SD	Yellowstone National Park, WY	590	11:14	I am trembling with anticipation for this stop. I think I just peed a little.
Day 6	Saturday, July 19	Yellowstone	Yellowstone	0	0	Hiking Day!!!
Day 7	Sunday, July 20	Yellowstone	Glacier National Park, MN	431	9:56
Day 8	Monday, July 21	Glacier National Park	Jasper, Alberta	440	9:54	This drive will go directly through Banff National Park of Canada. Starting to notice the theme yet?
Day 9/10	Tues/Wed, July 22/23	Jasper, Alberta	Prince Rupert, BC	679	13:09	Lots of mountains, moose and Canadians. Which pose the greatest threats?
Day 11	Thursday, July 24	Prince Rupert, BC	Metlakatla, AK	???	???	Ferry travel between the Southern Alaskan Islands

Total miles for this leg? Just short of 4,200. No, it is not the quickest route, but the views will be better than a spring day on the Chapel Hill quad.

Up next, "Leg 2: Salmon, Coffee and Sushi. America's Left Coast"

An Investor, A Writer and Some Ball Players Walk Into a Blog

Have you ever noticed how unbelievably tiny Alaska makes the rest of the United States seem? I'll be traveling with Scotty, Janine and Moose to an island off Ketchikan named Metlakatla. That is still over 1,000 miles south of Anchorage - the "real" part of Alaska people think of. Seward's Folly my ass - that man knew a good deal when he saw one. So much land, oil, opportunity and protection from the Commies - definitely the steal of that century.

My amazement with Alaska is inversely proportional to my interest in the Mid West. I know that Bill Bryson has a huge soft spot in his heart for Iowa and Warren Buffet loves his Omaha home base, but I can honestly find nothing that interests me.

Take a look at the glorious locations I'm planning to stop on this journey:


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Notice that HUGE hole in the middle with no blue markers? Yeah, that is the Mid West. Seriously, I've searched for things to do, and this is what I've come up with:

• Go to a Cardinal's Game


• Go to a Royal's Game

That's it. And one of those options isn't really all that appealing. I'd rather pay $4 to go to a Lowell Spinner's game than watch the Royals throw like Johnny Damon and hit like Jason Kendall. Maybe I'll just zoom across that 1,200 mile void where life ceases to exist after 8pm (9pm on Saturdays!) in a day and a half so I can focus more on the beautiful areas within a day's drive of an ocean.

Other than that huge hole, I think I have a pretty good route planned. Of course it will change, but that is one of the great benefits of Google Maps. Routes can be changed on a whim simply and quickly. 5 years ago we were stuck with the horrible interfaces, bad directions and awful color schemes provided by MapQuest and Yahoo! Maps. Now we have Google Maps with a slick interface, lots of add-ons (like personal maps, drag-and-drop driving directions, easy zoom, etc) and a great open API that anyone with a good idea and some decent programming chops can use to make a mash-up (check out housingmaps and gmap-pedometer if you never have).

Gone bye are the days of TripTicks from AAA, 4 different color hi-liters and a hand full of paper cuts. Welcome to the new Millennium where all I need is a MacBook with Google Earth and an internet connection (thanks Panera!). That's it. Fire it up, zoom on in and get directions. Brilliant!