Cool by Proxy

Until recently, my biggest claims to fame have been:

1. Shooting around in college with future NBA and NFL players
   
2. Having a cousin who is married to the sister of the chick from Happy Gilmore
   
3. Riding the bench on a championship high school basketball team (shockingly enough, the internet did not capture this proud moment from over a decade ago)
   

Needless to say, my brushes with fame are few and far between. Until now. With much pride I can now claim being directly involved in back-to-back dinners that featured the epitome and antithesis of total awesomeness. Unfortunately, I play the antithesis to Lance-freakin'-Armstrong's epitome in this little ditty.

The story goes like this: A good buddy of mine from UNC (Go Heels!) happens to be a damn good cellist. After graduation he spent several years with Big Blue before giving up the glorious life of tech consulting for the world of rock cello. He bounced around for a few years before The Avett Brothers decided to gobble up his skills and throw him on the tour bus. Ultimately, it was the best move he ever made as they are now getting critical acclaim, bookings on Letterman and invites to Lance Armstrong's house for dinner.

You read that right - dinner at Lance Armstrong's house. Gnarly, I know.

Unfortunately for Mr. Joe, the Texas stay was short lived as the band had to get to NYC for a Jimmy Fallon taping. Don't you hate when that happens?

Needless to say, once he arrived we met up for some great Korean food and a stroll to Bryant Park for people watching. We had a blast, but there is no doubt in my mind that everyone at the dinner table was pondering how one person can go from Lance Armstrong to me (or any Holmes for that matter) in just 24 short hours. I dare ye to identify a faster fall from grace.

If nothing else, I can now claim just 2 degrees of separation from the greatest athlete of our time and an immediate upgrade in coolness by way of an old college buddy's success.

Now for some good ole' fashion North Carolina folk-rock:

An Introvert's Guide To NYC

After several visits by family and friends to the new habitat, I've realized that coming to NYC without a minimal amount of planning can be disastrous. It is as easy to be in bed by 8pm wondering why anyone would want to live in this hellhole as it is to be out until 2am laughing at (or with) dainty men wearing nothing more than daisy dukes and a bit of blush.

In order to help future visitors plan a great time that falls somewhere between "bitter old man" and "exploring cardinal curiosities", I present the following list of activities for consideration.

For The Glutton In You...

Stage Door (33rd & 8th)
Want a great breakfast with generous portions at a decent price anytime of day? If you're anywhere near Penn Station, the Stage Door is your place. The desserts and sandwiches are great too.
Added bonus: Their website appears to be straight out of 1995!

Pho 32 & Shabu (2 West 32nd St - Near the corner of 32nd & 5th)
Believe it or not, fine Asian dining is not limited to strip malls in Central Maine. Explore the delicious world of Pho (think chicken noodle soup with a tastier twist) while those with less exotic tastes grab a Vermicelli Bowl.

Max Brenner (Broadway between 13th & 14th - Just south of Union Square)
A restaurant dedicated entirely to chocolate: Chocolate Pizzas. Chocolate Fondue. Spicy Chocolate Fajitas. A word of caution - the lines are long for a reason. Aim for a mid-afternoon snack to cut down on the wait (but not the weight).

To Lighten Those Purse Strings...

5th Ave/Madison Ave (5th/Madison Aves between 49th and 59th)
What better way to remember that your $100 credit card limit can buy little more than a tissue in some parts of the world? A walk down 5th and Madison Aves is shiny, trendy and entertaining but makes you wonder who has that kind of money. Spend 30 minutes window shopping and jotting down the designs you like then head to...

Chinatown (Canal St)
Want one of those ugly brown Louis Vuitton bags for less than $600? Maybe a $12 cashmere scarf? Canal Street in Chinatown is the place to go. Don't be afraid to haggle as discounts can be gotten with minimal effort.
A word to the wise: Avoid electronics and stick to clothing/accessories.

To Increase Your Courage...

Heartland Brewery (Times Square, Union Square, South St Seaport and Various Other Locations)
Want a way to guarantee a blubbery runner stumbles out of your establishment once a week? Deliver a delicious pumpkin brew (2nd only to Shipyard) for several months a year. Want to ensure his patronage for the other 9 months each year? Offer concoctions combining home brewed beers with hard cider or lemonade and a variety of tasty appetizers. Well worth visiting any of their 6 Manhattan locations.

Luxor Lounge (118 Macdougal St - Near 6th & Bleecker)
At first sight, hookah is more than a little suspect. It comes in a water pipe, surrounds you in smoke and relaxes you nearly immediately. With a little investigation, you soon realize the lack of tobacco and fruity smells are as enticing as they are legal. Add cute, friendly bartenders and a likely audience with the world's friendliest Canadian and you have the beginnings of an enjoyable evening.
Caution: Luxor Cafe is only a few doors down. Equally as entertaining, but a much smaller bar.

Duplex (61 Christopher St - Near Christopher & 7th)
The pianist plays in a lingerie and blush (at least on Halloween). The bartenders belt out show tunes between rounds and all walks of life are welcome. Booze + Pianos + Show Tunes = Instant fun. If you're a homophobe, 20 minutes here will change your mind (don't worry, it's not contagious).

To Get All Intellectual And What-Not...

The Moth (Various Locations)
I must admit - I have yet to actually go to a live Moth show. I am a loyal listener to the weekly podcasts though and imagine the audience to be the quintessential image of an NPR party. For some great stories and good laughs on the smarter end of the scale, a Moth show is the place to go.

The Strand (Broadway between 12th & 13th - Just south of Union Square)
The Strand boasts over 18 miles of books, many at greatly discounted prices. One can literally wander around, mouth agape, for hours before even knowing where to start in the place non-naughty librarians dream about at night.
Interesting note: I am starting a rumor that this is where intellectuals can go to find dates. Please feel free to spread this rumor so one of my good friend's has a chance to procreate.

For Some Relatively Smog Free Air

Central Park (North of 59th between 5th & 8th)
Central park is an oasis in the hustle and bustle of city life. It is entirely possible to go for a jog without hearing a horn honk or an f-bomb dropped. It is rumored that carriage rides are quite nice, as are the dozen of miles of running trails and dedicated walk/bike lanes around the park.
Jogger's Note: A full lap around the outermost park trails is almost exactly 10k. A great runner's guide of the park is available here.

Brooklyn/Manhattan Bridge Loop (Financial District/Chinatown/Brooklyn)
One of the great benefits of living in the Financial District is the proximity to both bike paths and bridges to run. The Brooklyn and Manhattan bridge loop combines both of those for a safe, fun, awe-inspiring 5 mile jog.

The High Line (Various West Side Locations Between 10th & 11th)
The High Line is a set of old elevated freight rails running over the west side of the city that has been turned into a park for enjoyment of the greater good. The odd feeling of standing in grass while cars zip by 15 feet below takes a few seconds to get used to.
Interesting Tidbit: The Standard Hotel is perched alongside the High Line around 13th St. It is rumored that this is the place where exhibitionists go to see and be seen.

Finally, To Indulge Your Inner Tourist...

South Street Seaport (Less than 1/2 mile from the Brooklyn Bridge)
The South Street Seaport is the ultimate tourist trap. The restaurants are incredibly safe and average. The shops are overpriced but appealing. The sights (Bodies) are priced just right and worth the visit. Overall, it is well worth the visit.
Fun Fact: I live 3 minutes from the Seaport. If you are down this way, drop me a line and we'll meet up.

Rockefeller Center (49th & Rockefeller Plaza)
If you live for SNL and Thursday night comedies on NBC like I do, Rockefeller Center is your ultimate people watching spot. In the past year I've had two brushes with fame here - I was interviewed by a Japanese news station and also saw Tina Fey taping 30 Rock. The former was just plain awkward and the latter will allow me to die happy.
Quiet Time: At night Rockefeller Center is very lit up but not very active. This makes it an ideal reading spot on a warm evening.

The Intrepid (46th & 12th)
The Intrepid Sea, Air & Space Museum includes a retired battleship, submarine and concorde that you can freely walk around at your own pace. The battleship deck has a varied collection of helicopters, spy planes and fighter jets on display and provides one place in this world where it's somewhat acceptable for a 30 year old to make chopper and machine gun sounds.
Cheapskate Hint: The Intrepid is free with a Bank of America credit card during the first weekend of each month.


Of course, what would a post like this be without a google maps inclusion? All hail the geniuses in Mountain View...

View An Introvert's Map of NYC in a larger map

Added Bonus: One Place to Avoid At All Costs...

Times Square
Anyone that has been in NYC for more than 2 minutes realizes that Times Square is the worst place on earth. It is overpriced, crawling with idiot tourists and the sole reason that people believe NYC is a horrible place. The only acceptable reason for visiting Times Square is due to a wrong turn out of a theater. If for some reason you must enter this den of misery, avoid entering any store fronts - the M&M store might look cool, but you will become a human pinball within seconds of entering.