Old Writings, Same Me

While going through some ancient relics, I recently stumbled upon several items which can not be valued in any way known to man. Among the treasures were a High School Football Coach's Award (aka, "Good Hustle Fat Kid"), a couple letterman jackets and some photos that will bring pure joy for hours on end (take a look here and here). Even better I found some poems that I was required to write for my stoner 10th grade English teacher.

Normally such assignments are approached by teens with contempt and fear, but in rereading these nuggets of beauty, I'm now convinced in time travel. It is as if a 35 year old version of myself manipulated the laws of physics, sat down my 16 year old self and gave the following words of wisdom: "Self deprecation, smart-assery and a borderline condescending attitude will get you everything you want in life."

Luckily, my 16 year old self seems to have listened fully to the advice. The resulting 4 poems contain mockery of both myself and the assignment, to the point that the teacher had no choice but to give them a perfect score. If these aren't Fat Man Running v1.0, I don't know what is.

"Sehr Gut"

(Note: Shut up, I thought German was cool at the time)

I laugh out loud, everyone stares

I say something dumb, nobody cares

I ask out a girl, she wants to be friends

I'm not up to date with the newest trends

I got a new car, it goes really fast

Sometimes in sports, I'm the one that's picked last

Everyone knows about my huge family

UMass' center was Marcus Camby

My favorite expression is "What the heck?"

I am me, what do you expect

"No Glory"

(Aka, fat kids must be lineman)

You dig in the trenches and lift the big weights

You get sweaty and dirty and fall in positions glory boys hate

You look like a giant and feel like a fool

When you talk with a mouthpiece that makes you drool

You run a five-five forty without any sweat

It's the girls in your head that the coaches fret

You are a lineman, the best of positions

You wouldn't miss practice unless it's for fishin'

(One more note: This is obviously a generalization as I don't think I've ever willingly gone fishing)

"Why Now"

I sit on the bench all night long

Then go home and watch the movie King Kong

It's the same thing every Tuesday and Friday

It's up to the coach, playing time's his say

I go to school all day long and practice all night

Then me and Reg get in to small fights

I run and dribble and dive on the floor

But still check my pants when I finally score

I miss all the lay ups and knock down the treys

My work ethic is good and improves every day

Me and the bench, we are best of friends

My pre-game meal consists of two hens

What was that? Coach said my name?

"Get me some water" he says with a flame

It's finally a blow out, I get to go in!

But when I stand up, I fall without grin

I fall to the floor with a mighty crash

Because I have forgotten about my nasty jock strap rash

"Skowhegan"

This town sucks, it really does

There's nothing to do besides count navel fuzz

The only thing fun is watching TV

The whole town knows when you're taking a pee

You always get caught when you get drunk

I can't back up without hitting a tree trunk

If you lock you're doors, you're surely a fool

'Cause all the dumb thieves break in to the schools

The hospital here isn't that good

You could diagnose the problem better than they could

In short, this town sucks, it isn't that fun

Especially when you get a bad case of the runs

And for the record, there are about a thousand inside jokes above that make these "poems" much more enjoyable. Of course, my family still has their own private stash that they enjoy reciting over the phone when I get too mouthy...

Wait, First Dates Can Be Fun?

As anyone who has read more than 3 of my previous blog posts well knows, my romantic life tends to be just a couple small notches above a shitshow. Of course, this isn't the typical "trailer on fire, tires slashed, baby momma drama" shitshow, but instead an "awkward silence, foot in mouth, absolutely no connection" shitshow. After seeing clear evidence of this pattern yet again becoming prevalent in my life, I decided to treat the current round of dating more like a science experiment, which has garnered some interesting initial results.

(***Important Note***: This is not meant to be a gushing email about the lovely lady who accompanied me on the outing. She does seem like quite the catch, but a first date is only enough to eliminate a total dullard, not lock in my next subject of semi-obsession).

Experimental Details

The Theory: A straight-forward, no-nonsense, avoid-the-normal-dating-games attitude may actually work with sane, intelligent, ambitious-in-life girls.

The Experiment: Completely update my Match.com account to remove any doubt about what I want, who I am or what I look like. Skip the normal cutesy, joking or sensitive gunk and get right to the point. Ultimately, the profile has a picture of me as you'd find me on a Saturday night (unshaven, wearing a long sleeve t-shirt with geek glasses and celebrating with a three beer fueled smile) and two direct, one paragraph sections (available upon request):

• About Me
• About The Chick I want

Initial Results: An immediate increase in lovely ladies viewing my profile, sending me messages or winks (a virtual wink though, really?), and ultimately an incredibly enjoyable first date (keep reading to understand the definition of 'incredibly enjoyable'...)

Initial "Test" Subject/Activity Partner/Date
The initial test subject was one that had to really break the previous mold of partially intelligent, nearly mute, rarely laughing types of ladies that have tended to show up to the many Starbucks and Paneras in which I've sat uncomfortably throughout the years. I also narrowed the age range to someone within a couple years of myself and immediately eliminated anyone with:

• Rampant misspellings in their profile or emails
• References to how she'd really like to try a 5k/hike/some other simple activity
• Obvious non-compliance of my Mom's "Rule of Ass" (to be known as MROA from here on out)
• Signs of being a dullard - either borderline or completely
• Other completely arbitrary disqualifiers that changed depending on my mood, randiness and alcohol consumption at time of communication

Luckily a very intelligent, active, driven, engaging and attractive young lady tickled my fancy and a driving range outing was scheduled after a week or so of exchanging emails. (Again, this is not intended to gush about her, just set the stage and flatter her if she stumbles upon this post.)

The Outing

Seeing as how the change in attitude and approach was going so well, I continued with the same mindset. Rather than seeing this little meet up as an event in which I attempted to impress a girl with bad jokes, obscure references and long-winded tech babble (or "smart stuff, smart stuff, blah, blah, blah" as a certain cousin called it recently), I decided to treat it as a golf outing with a new activity partner. The difference was immediately noted:

• Limited Forced Conversation - The conversation started short and sweet with an obvious excuse to end awkward silence (namely, buckets of balls to smack) as needed. This limited the forced conversation and actually allowed for more entertaining discussions.
• Reminder of a Mutual Try Out - Every time I got a bit nervous, I remembered that this was a mutual try out - I was kicking her tires as much as she was kicking mine. For every bad joke I made, she whiffed at an unmoving ball. For every long, straight drive I had, she flashed even more intelligence or a great smile. It was like we both read the first 3 pages of "Alternative Flirting for Dummies" and alternated actions from the "Do's" and "Don'ts" lists.
• Display of True Nature - There is only one thing more infuriating than completely whiffing at a golf ball - a smart-ass, giggling fool who just smacked a ball 250 yards dropping a teasing insults every time you do. If there is ever an opportunity for a real attitude to show through, the first driving range session of the season with a complete stranger is the time.
• A Chance to "Check Out the Goods" (In a Non-Pervy Way) - Some may not want to admit it, but physical attraction plays a part in all relationships. The amount differs between individuals, but a first date is the first chance to gauge the level of attraction. Luckily I had gotten to the range early and found side-by-side hitting booths. By pure chance, I ended up in the booth behind her. Now, of course this wasn't planned, but it at least gave me an opportunity or two to check out her swing, posture, and of course make sure she fulfilled the MROA. For the record, she passed with flying colors.

The Aftermath

The driving range outing was actually quite a success. Not only did most of my game carry over from last season (this really isn't saying too much...), but we both seemed to have a blast. It took us nearly two hours to hit 60 balls each - much longer than it should have. The laughing and talking spilled over to a sushi bar where a fish filled boat the size of a Buick was presented as the standard dinner for two. After 3.5 hours, she had not managed to bore me at any point, and as far as I can tell, I rarely offended her. I'm not sure which of these tasks are more impressive, but they are mutually unusual.

The future is unknown and unpredictable (although if she stumbles upon this and previous posts, she may be a little taken aback by my seemingly non-sensical approach to dating), but this mini-experiment at least helped me realize that it is impossible (albeit difficult) to have an enjoyable first date. The key is just good company, fun times, some confidence and a small amount of booze and Red Bull about an hour beforehand.

Stay tuned for my likely next post - How to Blow a Great Opportunity By Posting Your First Date on the Internet.