Old Writings, Same Me

While going through some ancient relics, I recently stumbled upon several items which can not be valued in any way known to man. Among the treasures were a High School Football Coach's Award (aka, "Good Hustle Fat Kid"), a couple letterman jackets and some photos that will bring pure joy for hours on end (take a look here and here). Even better I found some poems that I was required to write for my stoner 10th grade English teacher.

Normally such assignments are approached by teens with contempt and fear, but in rereading these nuggets of beauty, I'm now convinced in time travel. It is as if a 35 year old version of myself manipulated the laws of physics, sat down my 16 year old self and gave the following words of wisdom: "Self deprecation, smart-assery and a borderline condescending attitude will get you everything you want in life."

Luckily, my 16 year old self seems to have listened fully to the advice. The resulting 4 poems contain mockery of both myself and the assignment, to the point that the teacher had no choice but to give them a perfect score. If these aren't Fat Man Running v1.0, I don't know what is.

"Sehr Gut"

(Note: Shut up, I thought German was cool at the time)

I laugh out loud, everyone stares

I say something dumb, nobody cares

I ask out a girl, she wants to be friends

I'm not up to date with the newest trends

I got a new car, it goes really fast

Sometimes in sports, I'm the one that's picked last

Everyone knows about my huge family

UMass' center was Marcus Camby

My favorite expression is "What the heck?"

I am me, what do you expect

"No Glory"

(Aka, fat kids must be lineman)

You dig in the trenches and lift the big weights

You get sweaty and dirty and fall in positions glory boys hate

You look like a giant and feel like a fool

When you talk with a mouthpiece that makes you drool

You run a five-five forty without any sweat

It's the girls in your head that the coaches fret

You are a lineman, the best of positions

You wouldn't miss practice unless it's for fishin'

(One more note: This is obviously a generalization as I don't think I've ever willingly gone fishing)

"Why Now"

I sit on the bench all night long

Then go home and watch the movie King Kong

It's the same thing every Tuesday and Friday

It's up to the coach, playing time's his say

I go to school all day long and practice all night

Then me and Reg get in to small fights

I run and dribble and dive on the floor

But still check my pants when I finally score

I miss all the lay ups and knock down the treys

My work ethic is good and improves every day

Me and the bench, we are best of friends

My pre-game meal consists of two hens

What was that? Coach said my name?

"Get me some water" he says with a flame

It's finally a blow out, I get to go in!

But when I stand up, I fall without grin

I fall to the floor with a mighty crash

Because I have forgotten about my nasty jock strap rash

"Skowhegan"

This town sucks, it really does

There's nothing to do besides count navel fuzz

The only thing fun is watching TV

The whole town knows when you're taking a pee

You always get caught when you get drunk

I can't back up without hitting a tree trunk

If you lock you're doors, you're surely a fool

'Cause all the dumb thieves break in to the schools

The hospital here isn't that good

You could diagnose the problem better than they could

In short, this town sucks, it isn't that fun

Especially when you get a bad case of the runs

And for the record, there are about a thousand inside jokes above that make these "poems" much more enjoyable. Of course, my family still has their own private stash that they enjoy reciting over the phone when I get too mouthy...