Fat Man Running: 2011

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Old Writings, Same Me

While going through some ancient relics, I recently stumbled upon several items which can not be valued in any way known to man. Among the treasures were a High School Football Coach's Award (aka, "Good Hustle Fat Kid"), a couple letterman jackets and some photos that will bring pure joy for hours on end (take a look here and here). Even better I found some poems that I was required to write for my stoner 10th grade English teacher.

Normally such assignments are approached by teens with contempt and fear, but in rereading these nuggets of beauty, I'm now convinced in time travel. It is as if a 35 year old version of myself manipulated the laws of physics, sat down my 16 year old self and gave the following words of wisdom: "Self deprecation, smart-assery and a borderline condescending attitude will get you everything you want in life."

Luckily, my 16 year old self seems to have listened fully to the advice. The resulting 4 poems contain mockery of both myself and the assignment, to the point that the teacher had no choice but to give them a perfect score. If these aren't Fat Man Running v1.0, I don't know what is.

"Sehr Gut"

(Note: Shut up, I thought German was cool at the time)

I laugh out loud, everyone stares

I say something dumb, nobody cares

I ask out a girl, she wants to be friends

I'm not up to date with the newest trends

I got a new car, it goes really fast

Sometimes in sports, I'm the one that's picked last

Everyone knows about my huge family

UMass' center was Marcus Camby

My favorite expression is "What the heck?"

I am me, what do you expect

"No Glory"

(Aka, fat kids must be lineman)

You dig in the trenches and lift the big weights

You get sweaty and dirty and fall in positions glory boys hate

You look like a giant and feel like a fool

When you talk with a mouthpiece that makes you drool

You run a five-five forty without any sweat

It's the girls in your head that the coaches fret

You are a lineman, the best of positions

You wouldn't miss practice unless it's for fishin'

(One more note: This is obviously a generalization as I don't think I've ever willingly gone fishing)

"Why Now"

I sit on the bench all night long

Then go home and watch the movie King Kong

It's the same thing every Tuesday and Friday

It's up to the coach, playing time's his say

I go to school all day long and practice all night

Then me and Reg get in to small fights

I run and dribble and dive on the floor

But still check my pants when I finally score

I miss all the lay ups and knock down the treys

My work ethic is good and improves every day

Me and the bench, we are best of friends

My pre-game meal consists of two hens

What was that? Coach said my name?

"Get me some water" he says with a flame

It's finally a blow out, I get to go in!

But when I stand up, I fall without grin

I fall to the floor with a mighty crash

Because I have forgotten about my nasty jock strap rash

"Skowhegan"

This town sucks, it really does

There's nothing to do besides count navel fuzz

The only thing fun is watching TV

The whole town knows when you're taking a pee

You always get caught when you get drunk

I can't back up without hitting a tree trunk

If you lock you're doors, you're surely a fool

'Cause all the dumb thieves break in to the schools

The hospital here isn't that good

You could diagnose the problem better than they could

In short, this town sucks, it isn't that fun

Especially when you get a bad case of the runs

And for the record, there are about a thousand inside jokes above that make these "poems" much more enjoyable. Of course, my family still has their own private stash that they enjoy reciting over the phone when I get too mouthy...

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Wait, First Dates Can Be Fun?

As anyone who has read more than 3 of my previous blog posts well knows, my romantic life tends to be just a couple small notches above a shitshow. Of course, this isn't the typical "trailer on fire, tires slashed, baby momma drama" shitshow, but instead an "awkward silence, foot in mouth, absolutely no connection" shitshow. After seeing clear evidence of this pattern yet again becoming prevalent in my life, I decided to treat the current round of dating more like a science experiment, which has garnered some interesting initial results.

(***Important Note***: This is not meant to be a gushing email about the lovely lady who accompanied me on the outing. She does seem like quite the catch, but a first date is only enough to eliminate a total dullard, not lock in my next subject of semi-obsession).

Experimental Details

The Theory: A straight-forward, no-nonsense, avoid-the-normal-dating-games attitude may actually work with sane, intelligent, ambitious-in-life girls.

The Experiment: Completely update my Match.com account to remove any doubt about what I want, who I am or what I look like. Skip the normal cutesy, joking or sensitive gunk and get right to the point. Ultimately, the profile has a picture of me as you'd find me on a Saturday night (unshaven, wearing a long sleeve t-shirt with geek glasses and celebrating with a three beer fueled smile) and two direct, one paragraph sections (available upon request):

About Me
About The Chick I want

Initial Results: An immediate increase in lovely ladies viewing my profile, sending me messages or winks (a virtual wink though, really?), and ultimately an incredibly enjoyable first date (keep reading to understand the definition of 'incredibly enjoyable'...)

Initial "Test" Subject/Activity Partner/Date
The initial test subject was one that had to really break the previous mold of partially intelligent, nearly mute, rarely laughing types of ladies that have tended to show up to the many Starbucks and Paneras in which I've sat uncomfortably throughout the years. I also narrowed the age range to someone within a couple years of myself and immediately eliminated anyone with:

Rampant misspellings in their profile or emails
References to how she'd really like to try a 5k/hike/some other simple activity
Obvious non-compliance of my Mom's "Rule of Ass" (to be known as MROA from here on out)
Signs of being a dullard - either borderline or completely
Other completely arbitrary disqualifiers that changed depending on my mood, randiness and alcohol consumption at time of communication

Luckily a very intelligent, active, driven, engaging and attractive young lady tickled my fancy and a driving range outing was scheduled after a week or so of exchanging emails. (Again, this is not intended to gush about her, just set the stage and flatter her if she stumbles upon this post.)

The Outing

Seeing as how the change in attitude and approach was going so well, I continued with the same mindset. Rather than seeing this little meet up as an event in which I attempted to impress a girl with bad jokes, obscure references and long-winded tech babble (or "smart stuff, smart stuff, blah, blah, blah" as a certain cousin called it recently), I decided to treat it as a golf outing with a new activity partner. The difference was immediately noted:

Limited Forced Conversation - The conversation started short and sweet with an obvious excuse to end awkward silence (namely, buckets of balls to smack) as needed. This limited the forced conversation and actually allowed for more entertaining discussions.
Reminder of a Mutual Try Out - Every time I got a bit nervous, I remembered that this was a mutual try out - I was kicking her tires as much as she was kicking mine. For every bad joke I made, she whiffed at an unmoving ball. For every long, straight drive I had, she flashed even more intelligence or a great smile. It was like we both read the first 3 pages of "Alternative Flirting for Dummies" and alternated actions from the "Do's" and "Don'ts" lists.
Display of True Nature - There is only one thing more infuriating than completely whiffing at a golf ball - a smart-ass, giggling fool who just smacked a ball 250 yards dropping a teasing insults every time you do. If there is ever an opportunity for a real attitude to show through, the first driving range session of the season with a complete stranger is the time.
A Chance to "Check Out the Goods" (In a Non-Pervy Way) - Some may not want to admit it, but physical attraction plays a part in all relationships. The amount differs between individuals, but a first date is the first chance to gauge the level of attraction. Luckily I had gotten to the range early and found side-by-side hitting booths. By pure chance, I ended up in the booth behind her. Now, of course this wasn't planned, but it at least gave me an opportunity or two to check out her swing, posture, and of course make sure she fulfilled the MROA. For the record, she passed with flying colors.

The Aftermath

The driving range outing was actually quite a success. Not only did most of my game carry over from last season (this really isn't saying too much...), but we both seemed to have a blast. It took us nearly two hours to hit 60 balls each - much longer than it should have. The laughing and talking spilled over to a sushi bar where a fish filled boat the size of a Buick was presented as the standard dinner for two. After 3.5 hours, she had not managed to bore me at any point, and as far as I can tell, I rarely offended her. I'm not sure which of these tasks are more impressive, but they are mutually unusual.

The future is unknown and unpredictable (although if she stumbles upon this and previous posts, she may be a little taken aback by my seemingly non-sensical approach to dating), but this mini-experiment at least helped me realize that it is impossible (albeit difficult) to have an enjoyable first date. The key is just good company, fun times, some confidence and a small amount of booze and Red Bull about an hour beforehand.

Stay tuned for my likely next post - How to Blow a Great Opportunity By Posting Your First Date on the Internet.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Fantasy Dating

The Rambling Prologue

Portsmouth, NH may be a beautiful place 10 months of the year, but January and February can be absolute beasts - the days are short, the people are grumpy, the wind is frigid and outside of dodgeball, drinking and Black Ops marathons, there's just not a whole lot to do. Every year as despair begins to set in and one becomes more and more thankful for mandatory firearm waiting periods, Spring will bless the Seacoast with scattered 50 degree blasts of sunshine. The first of such days occurred last week, much to the joy of the community, and more entertainingly, to my mind which has decided to go from contentedness with 9pm bed times and Adam Sandler movies to the exact opposite end of the spectrum in searching for mates worthy of reproductive exploits.

Of course, the logistics of such searches are complicated and dangerous grounds that should not be tread upon lightly. Among the factors that must be considered are social awkwardness, a mother's requirements (specifically, a dress size no larger than a 12, or if the lovely lady is a wearer of man jeans, a waist of no larger than 31 inches), extra hesitant targets of admiration, manscaping and, of course, which t-shirt is more impressive ("I Shaved My Pubes for This?" narrowly edges out "Wine 'em, Dine 'em, Sixty-nine 'em" in almost every category).

Chazzy Gets His Groove Back

Luckily, friends can be more than willing to ruin their good names in an effort to live through a typical Fat Man Running dating experience. While the most recent (and honestly, only) one of these outings did not live up to normal levels of jackassery, there were a few highlights:

An introduction of "Hi, I'm Chad and apologize for the rest of the evening in advance"
Sharing 20 ounces of delicious Bud Lite with your friend's pants within 2 minutes of it being delivered
Big Buck Hunter marathons at all you can eat sports bars
A life recap of "My best relationship ended with the chick moving to Alaska and shacking up with another chick"
Open and specific discussion of the above "Mom Big Butt Requirements"

The League

As these exploits were chuckle worthy, they certainly didn't entertain close friends and family members in a way they've come to expect. Because of this, it has been proposed that the dating issue must be forced in a way that can be considered both proactive and engaging at the same time. With this in mind and a common desire to restart the Fantasy Football season 6 months early, a hybrid set of Fantasy Dating rules has been proposed:

8 competitors (we'll call them "handlers") get access to the same online dating account with my information
Each handler gets to log in twice a week and pick 2 girls to contact. These may not include fatties, dumbies, obvious dullards, or anyone that would make me audibly gasp upon first meeting (aka, "defects").
Each handler will be allowed a maximum of 4 messages with each girl which must result in a face to face meeting or termination of contact
Each handler will have one audible which they can use to terminate one of their relationships at any point for the greater good
I will have audible veto power which can be overruled by a majority vote

The Scoring

Once contact has been initiated, scoring will occur in the following manner:

Any date falling in the "defects" category: -5 points
Disinterested date (texting/drifting/taking calls): -2 points
Date taking "emergency out" call: -2 points/+2 points if handler is the one making the call
Full coffee without exercising her emergency out option: +1 point
Full outing: +2 points
Sharing of saliva: +5 points
Sharing of non-saliva fluids: +9 points (can include spilled/thrown beverages)
Real adult relationship > 2 months: +15 points

The Payout

The 8 competitors will compete for bragging and torture rights over a 5 month span at which point the Fantasy Football season will be underway and female companionship mostly unneeded for five months. While there are no monetary awards the pure entertainment value of such shenanigans will likely be worthy of currency if presented in the correct medium.

Friday, February 11, 2011

The Joys of Online Dating

Having recently re-entered the world of dating (both online and, in theory, face-to-face), I vowed not to take anything too fast or serious. I've also decided that since the odds of periodic rejection are fairly high(which is a fair assumption; reference: "my life"), then I might as well have a little fun with it.

Luckily, it turns out that the combination of a few beers, free online dating sites, and a handful of girls that seem semi-interesting can lead to some surprisingly entertaining quotes. While these may not be of the level of my new goto pick up line ("My mom doesn't want me dating a chick with a big ass, but I think she'll make an exception for you..."), I think they are worth repeating to the 3-4 family members that check this jumble of words on a semi-consistent basis.

I'd like to say that the following were all written in jest, alas that would be slightly more than a white lie. These are 100%, honest to goodness lines, that even upon re-reading, I sent to a hot internet babe in hopes of a quick response. Oddly enough, they haven't been all that successful, as my writing this post and playing Black Ops on a Friday night may attest to...

"I'm really good at...Obscure references, misplaced sarcasm and bringing about general awkwardness"

Upon further review, I guess that a night full of obscure references and sarcastic half jokes about a lady's appearance may not be all that appealing. I guess guys just don't get bonus points for good old honesty like they used to.

"I've been roaming the streets looking for a fight, but haven't had any luck as of late. I'm starting to think I may have to expand my search across the Maine and Mass borders. Where do you usually fight?"

In my defense, this was in response to some chick's stupid super hero joke. Writing "haha, that's funny" is a little too boring for me, so I just decide to take it too far...

"Good choice on the 'God Delusion' - I've been battling with it for the last year off and on. The writing and logic are great, as are Dawkin's conclusions..."

Because first internet 'dates' are supposed to be all about religion and politics, right?

"I have the Glee mix of 'Bust a Move' on my Great Bay half training mix. Top that!"

Typically, I think this one would be a hands down winner. Nothing screams "I'm fabulously stuck in the past" like acknowledging a knowledge, enjoyment and active involvement in the phenomenon that is Glee. Challenging the lovely lady to top such a claim is both an impossible task and somewhat telling statement.

"I've somehow managed to avoid the shift to Python and stuck with Perl as my scripting language of choice."

And the winner...a reference to my preference of an old school scripting language over a young up-and-comer. I actually spent another sentence or two going into more detail, but could not bring myself to copy and paste the shit show of my trying to hit on a hot internet babe of PhD proportions.

Friday, January 14, 2011

2011 Race Training - Playlist All Stars

Having recently pursued nonathletic adventures in urban living, cohabitation and extended confinement in a 4'x8' space, the urge to run a somewhat challenging race crept back into my quickly aging legs. Sure, I'd done a 4 miler or 10k here and there, but my rigorous training schedule for those typically consisted of a few lumbering 5 mile jogs each week and required no attention to pace, eating habits or training plans.

So on a whim, I signed up for an early April half - my first in nearly two years. Luckily, I was able to dig up a few useful resources in planning for this surprisingly hilly course:

Hal Higdon's Training Guide - Straight forward, easy to understand and targeted towards multiple levels of runners. I prefer a slightly modified version of the Novice plan.
Google Calendar - To schedule those pesky training runs that good ole' Hal insists on. I find that email reminders of "Run, you fat ass!" can be quite motivating.
LiveStrong.com - An outstanding site for tracking runs, meals and a variety of other useful tools. It definitely helps reconsider that mid-day mocha or push for one more mile at the end of a long run.

Of course, none of this would be fun without an accompanying playlist - my own personal montage music if you will. Having already dedicated a full post to the brilliance of one Mr. Benjamin Folds and another to previous incarnations of my playlist, I figured a third was in order. The below playlist all stars have a pretty distinctive 60s/70s feel to them, but are definitely worth consideration for any soundtracks that need refreshing: