Fantasy Dating

The Rambling Prologue

Portsmouth, NH may be a beautiful place 10 months of the year, but January and February can be absolute beasts - the days are short, the people are grumpy, the wind is frigid and outside of dodgeball, drinking and Black Ops marathons, there's just not a whole lot to do. Every year as despair begins to set in and one becomes more and more thankful for mandatory firearm waiting periods, Spring will bless the Seacoast with scattered 50 degree blasts of sunshine. The first of such days occurred last week, much to the joy of the community, and more entertainingly, to my mind which has decided to go from contentedness with 9pm bed times and Adam Sandler movies to the exact opposite end of the spectrum in searching for mates worthy of reproductive exploits.

Of course, the logistics of such searches are complicated and dangerous grounds that should not be tread upon lightly. Among the factors that must be considered are social awkwardness, a mother's requirements (specifically, a dress size no larger than a 12, or if the lovely lady is a wearer of man jeans, a waist of no larger than 31 inches), extra hesitant targets of admiration, manscaping and, of course, which t-shirt is more impressive ("I Shaved My Pubes for This?" narrowly edges out "Wine 'em, Dine 'em, Sixty-nine 'em" in almost every category).

Chazzy Gets His Groove Back

Luckily, friends can be more than willing to ruin their good names in an effort to live through a typical Fat Man Running dating experience. While the most recent (and honestly, only) one of these outings did not live up to normal levels of jackassery, there were a few highlights:

• An introduction of "Hi, I'm Chad and apologize for the rest of the evening in advance"
  
• Sharing 20 ounces of delicious Bud Lite with your friend's pants within 2 minutes of it being delivered
• Big Buck Hunter marathons at all you can eat sports bars
  
• A life recap of "My best relationship ended with the chick moving to Alaska and shacking up with another chick"
• Open and specific discussion of the above "Mom Big Butt Requirements"

The League

As these exploits were chuckle worthy, they certainly didn't entertain close friends and family members in a way they've come to expect. Because of this, it has been proposed that the dating issue must be forced in a way that can be considered both proactive and engaging at the same time. With this in mind and a common desire to restart the Fantasy Football season 6 months early, a hybrid set of Fantasy Dating rules has been proposed:

• 8 competitors (we'll call them "handlers") get access to the same online dating account with my information
  
• Each handler gets to log in twice a week and pick 2 girls to contact. These may not include fatties, dumbies, obvious dullards, or anyone that would make me audibly gasp upon first meeting (aka, "defects").
  
• Each handler will be allowed a maximum of 4 messages with each girl which must result in a face to face meeting or termination of contact
• Each handler will have one audible which they can use to terminate one of their relationships at any point for the greater good
• I will have audible veto power which can be overruled by a majority vote

The Scoring

Once contact has been initiated, scoring will occur in the following manner:

• Any date falling in the "defects" category: -5 points
  
• Disinterested date (texting/drifting/taking calls): -2 points
  
• Date taking "emergency out" call: -2 points/+2 points if handler is the one making the call
  
• Full coffee without exercising her emergency out option: +1 point
  
• Full outing: +2 points
  
• Sharing of saliva: +5 points
  
• Sharing of non-saliva fluids: +9 points (can include spilled/thrown beverages)
  
• Real adult relationship > 2 months: +15 points
  

The Payout

The 8 competitors will compete for bragging and torture rights over a 5 month span at which point the Fantasy Football season will be underway and female companionship mostly unneeded for five months. While there are no monetary awards the pure entertainment value of such shenanigans will likely be worthy of currency if presented in the correct medium.