Sunday, July 12, 2009

Fat Child Eating

Not to alarm any of the Fat Man Running fans, but I have a revelation to make - I was a fat child. I know, it's shocking. Don't kick yourself for not realizing it earlier - it's easy to miss my self deprecating "humor" brought about by being a 230 lb 14 year old, as well as my current ability to chase a half marathon with a gallon and a half of ice cream. There are a handful of little clues, but you may have missed them if you're blind, have never spoken to me for more than 17 seconds or live in the state of denial that some of my relatives call "motherhood".
Luckily, my childhood is rife with stories of husky sweatpants, little league jerseys that must be mounted over a La-Z-Boy (aka - the "Shirt Stretcher") before they fit, or being thought to be of Asian descent due to excessive forehead fat hanging over your eyelids.

A perfect example of the joys of childhood obesity is the following gem that recently popped up to the delight of MiaManda:
It's 1992. Slick Willie is getting ready to enter the White House, the MLB Player's Union has yet to strike, and a waddling pile of blubber is breaking hearts and taking names while getting straight-As at Skowhegan Area Middle School. The day after receiving his perfect marks, Mrs. F, the social studies teacher, approaches yours truly about his report card.

Mrs. F: "Congrats on the great grades Chad! Did you get a reward from your parents?"
Chad (emitting a distinct smell of onions and obesity): "Yup! I got the best gift a growing boy could ever ask for!"
Mrs. F: "Really? Did your parents give you money? Take you to the movies? Maybe even take you to Walmart without putting you in the harness?"
Chad (glowing with memories of the previous night): "Nope. Even better! We went to Subway and they let me get 2 foot long meatball subs!!!"
Mrs. F: Stunned Silence
Chad: "That's right. Maybe the best gift I have ever had. I scarfed them down in about 2 minutes flat and even had some room left over for extra chips!"
Now, I'm not sure if Mrs. F contemplated calling child services, slapping the smirk off my face, or just crying for humanity, but I can only now understand her shocked silence that spoke volumes.
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2 comments:

MOM said...

Chad Michael Holmes,
I absolutely do NOT remember that incident - I do remember that you were a brilliant child and taking you and your friends to Reid State Park and you all hiding in the way back of the van doing something that you were trying to keep hidden from me. (I could tell something was going on because when I looked in the rear view mirror, you had a look of utter horror - so I would rather not know what was going on anyway.)Besides, Subway in Skwohegan was not even built yet at that time if you remember correctly. I would suspect it was more like a spaghetti-type celebration with cold sauce.......Love, your wonderful nurturing mother

July 15, 2009 at 12:48 PM
Anonymous said...

maybe you should start blogging again... that may help your fantasy football managing skills in some way.

September 23, 2009 at 7:03 PM

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