Observations of a London Street Rambler

As the past few days have been quick to remind me, the intent of my current stint overseas is in no way meant to tickle my fancy. The days have been long due to supporting a combination of efforts of which I can't seem to fully escape, meaning the rumored 3pm jaunts to local pubs are but a figment of my imagination.

Luckily, I've been able to pull myself away from a poor office internet connection, unreliable phone line and vacant apartment neighborhood to wander the streets of London in the evening. While much of the wandering has been quiet, a few incidences have sprung up worth sharing:

Early Evening Drunkards

I'm not sure what volume of alcohol would make anyone wander the streets at 7:30pm on a Monday screaming the following, but I one day hope to find out. This particular bloke (see, I'm learning the lingo) was as disheveled and aged as one would think. Among his highlights were:

"What the fuck is this? WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS!?"

"All because NO ONE KNOWS THE SCORE!"

"I could rob a bank with a bunch of FUCKING MONKEYS!"

It's important to note that there was neither an athletic competition, bank or zoo within several hundred yards, which only made the commentary more entertaining. Unfortunately I was unable to convince him to elaborate on the intended meanings of his messages.

Amazing Sights

London, as you might expect, has some amazing sights to be seen, especially in the evening. While the House of Parliament, Big Ben, Buckingham Palace and the like are picture worthy (unless you forget one of the 3 camera inclusive devices you brought along), wandering the streets solo on Valentine's Day leads to even better discoveries. Among them:

• A brand new Lamborghini in line behind a brand new Rolls Royce. I'm not a car guy, but I'm pretty sure both left me half erect.
• A list of things I'd prefer prison rape over: The London Eye, A Black Tie Chartered Boat Cruise with 250 Strangers, Seeing Men in Running Tights and Being One of the 3 Guys Holding a Bouquet of Flowers and Bitterly Drinking Directly from a Bottle of Wine While a Girl Wept Quietly Next to Them
• A "Woman of WWII" monument depicting the woman from behind in an incredibly unflattering way
• The 2012 Olympic's Logo Everywhere. Warning: Once you realize it looks like Lisa Simpson giving oral pleasures you can never unsee it (thanks yet again for spoiling my innocent mind Reddit!)

Ahhhh, Pubs!

As of this writing I had visited exactly one pub and had one beer along side a combination of chicken and curry. Pubs are tricky as it is difficult to tell those with some charm from those run by a major company and being just one step above TGI Fridays. Unfortunately this pub was as bland as the tikka it served, so I decided to spice things up a bit...by talking to a lady! In my defense, she was the only other solo one there, so it was more to fill the time than hit on her. Luckily, my smooth moves are still effective, so it only took 3 well placed comments to claim a full bench for myself:

• "Nice laptop, mind if I sit down?"
• "You're not from around here, are ya? Don't worry, I'm not as idiotic an American as you would think."
• "Oh, Lithuania? That's kind of like Russia, right?"

I can only say that I'm proud to have helped someone break a human powered land speed record.

The Girls

How could I travel to a foreign land without completely objectifying half of their population based solely on physical appearances and incredibly infrequent interactions? Based on what I've seen so far, the ladies of London are the most average women in the world - they are neither too big/small, hot/fugly, tall/short or scrawny/voluptuous - nearly every one is a solid 6! It likely doesn't help that they have nearly identical indistinct features of a girl I once took to expensive dinners while she banged other dudes courted unsuccessfully, but I've found not one that made my mouth water more than a brand new Rolls Royce.

All in all the trip is still entertaining and I plan on making at least a few alcohol related mistakes this weekend (think wrong turns and missed steps, not hookah bars and drag queens). London certainly is a great place for sight seeing and worth a visit or two, but not nearly as adventurous as the brutal weekday competitions of the NH Sport and Social Club that I'm used to.

A Man, His Thoughts, And A Boatload of Poorly Charged Electronics

So I'm a bad, bad blogger. I've gone almost a full year without posting, despite several very entertaining races (Yay Reach The Beach, Pineland Farms Trail Run and Cross dressing 5k/6 beer challenge), an incredibly entertaining summer of dating and more changes at work than I can remember. As a friend once told me - blogging is for those who fall in that gray area between too boring to write about and too active to actually write, and I seemed to have stumbled into the latter category for a stint.

The good news is, all of the above have been for the positive. The running is theoretically slimming, the dating theoretically enjoyable and work theoretically profitable. Even better - the profitable aspect (namely life at everyone's favorite AppSec company) has lead to an adventure where I'll be hopping across the pond for nearly a month in order to better support some co-workers.

It was during this first hop that I learned that not all international flights between first world countries have Wi-Fi, personal video monitors, power outlets or any form of entertainment not related to canceled NBC programming. Luckily, 7 hours in a confined, sleepless space can do wonders on a mind constantly in need of stimulation. Even more luckily for my 2-3 adoring fans, I decided to write down some of the wondrous thoughts formulated 7 miles over the Atlantic:

• Real portions sizes are great, especially if you've just ripped a large hole in the crotch of your cargo pants.
• Michael Lewis writes some great sports books, but his financial books are even better.
• Why the hell do I always forget Lewis is married to Tabitha Soren of MTV fame until I read his acknowledgments?
• The New "Footloose" movie! Um, no.
• Kenny Loggins stands the test of time.
• The new girl is great. I'm sure I'll pay for this gushing at some point.
• Tina Fey and Steve Martin should have a baby, if for no other reason than to ensure I have a lifetime of smart humor available to me.
• People that refer to themselves as enjoying smart humor are usually pretentious pricks.
• I'm pretty sure no one has ever said "Wow, I feel so much better now that I scarfed down that Otis Spunkmeyer baked good!"
• Finding a tour guide page titled "London's Best Curries" elicits the same wide eyes I used to show when given a yard long pixie stick.
• Muenster cheese - Awwww yeah!
• At least I can now blame the pee stains on my pants on the turbulence.

No, it's not the best written list, but it should get a chuckle or two. I'm hoping the coming weeks will end in lurid tales of mistaken identities, unknown alley ways and parts of London no American has ever experienced. More likely it will end in exhausting sight seeing, travel blogging and longing to no longer smell of curry when I sweat.