Luckily, I've been able to pull myself away from a poor office internet connection, unreliable phone line and vacant apartment neighborhood to wander the streets of London in the evening. While much of the wandering has been quiet, a few incidences have sprung up worth sharing:
Early Evening Drunkards
I'm not sure what volume of alcohol would make anyone wander the streets at 7:30pm on a Monday screaming the following, but I one day hope to find out. This particular bloke (see, I'm learning the lingo) was as disheveled and aged as one would think. Among his highlights were:
"What the fuck is this? WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS!?"
"All because NO ONE KNOWS THE SCORE!"
"I could rob a bank with a bunch of FUCKING MONKEYS!"
It's important to note that there was neither an athletic competition, bank or zoo within several hundred yards, which only made the commentary more entertaining. Unfortunately I was unable to convince him to elaborate on the intended meanings of his messages.
Amazing Sights
London, as you might expect, has some amazing sights to be seen, especially in the evening. While the House of Parliament, Big Ben, Buckingham Palace and the like are picture worthy (unless you forget one of the 3 camera inclusive devices you brought along), wandering the streets solo on Valentine's Day leads to even better discoveries. Among them:
- A brand new Lamborghini in line behind a brand new Rolls Royce. I'm not a car guy, but I'm pretty sure both left me half erect.
- A list of things I'd prefer prison rape over: The London Eye, A Black Tie Chartered Boat Cruise with 250 Strangers, Seeing Men in Running Tights and Being One of the 3 Guys Holding a Bouquet of Flowers and Bitterly Drinking Directly from a Bottle of Wine While a Girl Wept Quietly Next to Them
- A "Woman of WWII" monument depicting the woman from behind in an incredibly unflattering way
- The 2012 Olympic's Logo Everywhere. Warning: Once you realize it looks like Lisa Simpson giving oral pleasures you can never unsee it (thanks yet again for spoiling my innocent mind Reddit!)
Ahhhh, Pubs!
As of this writing I had visited exactly one pub and had one beer along side a combination of chicken and curry. Pubs are tricky as it is difficult to tell those with some charm from those run by a major company and being just one step above TGI Fridays. Unfortunately this pub was as bland as the tikka it served, so I decided to spice things up a bit...by talking to a lady! In my defense, she was the only other solo one there, so it was more to fill the time than hit on her. Luckily, my smooth moves are still effective, so it only took 3 well placed comments to claim a full bench for myself:
- "Nice laptop, mind if I sit down?"
- "You're not from around here, are ya? Don't worry, I'm not as idiotic an American as you would think."
- "Oh, Lithuania? That's kind of like Russia, right?"
I can only say that I'm proud to have helped someone break a human powered land speed record.
The Girls
How could I travel to a foreign land without completely objectifying half of their population based solely on physical appearances and incredibly infrequent interactions? Based on what I've seen so far, the ladies of London are the most average women in the world - they are neither too big/small, hot/fugly, tall/short or scrawny/voluptuous - nearly every one is a solid 6! It likely doesn't help that they have nearly identical indistinct features of a girl I once took to expensive dinners while she banged other dudes courted unsuccessfully, but I've found not one that made my mouth water more than a brand new Rolls Royce.
All in all the trip is still entertaining and I plan on making at least a few alcohol related mistakes this weekend (think wrong turns and missed steps, not hookah bars and drag queens). London certainly is a great place for sight seeing and worth a visit or two, but not nearly as adventurous as the brutal weekday competitions of the NH Sport and Social Club that I'm used to.
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