Day 8 - Vortexes and Vegas

Sedona, AZ is a really, really nice place. The folks are nice, everyone is relaxed (but not too relaxed) and there is an air of activity and appreciation from everyone you interact with. In short, if you’re a hippie, golfer or have no need to stress over things like an income, Sedona is probably the place for you several seasons a year. In fact, if Stacy had her way we’d likely be there for the remainder of our lives. Alas realistic considerations like employment and poor ancestral decisions to settle our family members in the northeast eliminate that as an option, but a girl can still dream. 

This praise of Sedona is based on a sample size of two (yeah, yeah, prone to inaccuracy…blah blah…):

1. An outstanding Mocha Latte and coffee shop experience
2. Hiking Cathedral Rock

Cathedral Rock is the perfect short hike - it’s an intense up and back, but only takes an hour and rewards you with a new view every few steps. It also provides a few unmarked trails at the top that make for even better exploring. As always, pics are much better than my words could ever be:

The other interesting thing about Sedona is the claim of vortexes that can change your life. Being the illogical spiritualist that I am (sarcasm!), I felt the need to locate and fully (not) experience whatever these vortexes provide you. 

And boy did I ever experience strong emotions! Frustration! Skepticism! A loss of an hour of my life! These damn pseudo science hippie holes are poorly marked and often come with a warning of “you’ll know when you get there”. I’m sure with the right amount of mood altering intoxicants that these vortexes will change your life (and justify the numerous energy healers around town), but I’ll claim malarkey and tourist trap for the time being. 

Having recovered from the vortex disappointment through a combination of emotional In-N-Out Burger and ice cream eating and the promise of a relaxing night in Vegas, we hit I-40 for a jaunt to the Hoover Dam.

If you haven’t been to the Hoover Dam since 2010, you should really go. The Tillman-O’Callaghan Memorial Bridge makes traveling across it much easier, and also opens up new tourist options including an old rail trail and great walk along the new bridge for some outstanding pictures. The first bit of the rail trail was a bit disappointing, but it sounds like the Lake Mead overlook and tunnels further down (we were running out of daylight and had to turn back) make it well worth the couple hours to cover the 6.5 mile round trip.

To wrap up this vacation, we headed back to Vegas where a great deal on a suite helped us settle back into civilization with speedy wi-fi, dual shower heads and a huge in bedroom bath tub. In an attempt to get out of Vegas without going broke while making the most of the location, we took a pretty simple approach:

1. Walk the strip and realize how little people pay attention to others while under minimal amounts of confusion
2. Visit the Bellagio because it’s fancy and has a great conservatory and botanical garden
3. Eat a cheap, good meal
4. See a GREAT show. You can never go wrong with any of the Cirques, especially when you’re two rows from the stage!

Having survived a night in Vegas without hitting my card's limit, we decided to wrap up a great trip and grab an earlier flight home the next morning. All in all this was a great trip with a ton of hiking, limited missed plans (Canyonlands was the big one) and a ton of unexpected goodness!

Thanks for stalking us remotely for a week!

Day 7 - Mesa Verde and a Canyon Sunset

As an east coaster it’s pretty easy to under appreciate our National Parks Service. Other than the occasional visit to Acadia, most of the parks and forests we get to visit are either a lesser class (and hence lesser funding) or run by one of the local or state governments that do the best with the resources they're given. Having hit well over a half dozen parks on this trip, let me shed a little more light on why the National Parks are worth visiting at any chance you get:

1. They Hire for Passion - The National Parks are notoriously under funded, meaning the majority of park employees are there for the love of nature…not just experiencing it, but learning and educating about it. Having encountered numerous park rangers, not one was rude, irritable or unfriendly. Their passion allows for a great individual experience as well as an even greater respect and ultimately a better park system one day at a time.
2. They’re Accessible - I’ve touched on it a few times, but the level of accessibility in the parks is second to none. While I’m not a big fan of the 100 yard max waddle culture we’re turning in to, I’m also not into 4 day long back woods hikes to see the sights (nor are ~99.9999% of the population). Over the decades, the parks system has made mind blowing sights accessible in a fairly eco-friendly way, and are clearly on a push to drive more individual activity in the park. Having the option to zoom through a park in a mind blowing two hours, spend an outdoorsy two weeks living in the back country, or anywhere in between is a privilege, not a right and we should all be more appreciative for it.
3. They’re Informative - Did you know the Anasazi had a permanent encampment at Mesa Verde for well over 700 years…or twice as long as we’ve currently been a country? Or that they ventilated kivas through a simple but highly effective process that is similar to how jet engines work? Or that they routinely traded with areas as far away with Peru (and have the full parrot feather blankets to prove it)? Neither did I until one of the outstanding Mesa Verde rangers provided one of the more entertaining hours of my life during the Cliff Palace tour. The amount of ingenuity, discovery and lost wonders exposed in that one hour will quickly make you realize that our current culture is yet a blip on a bigger map and maybe we should chill out about our minor irritations a little more. (Side note - Despite this enlightenment, I will continue to be a curmudgeon as it is my nature.)
4. They’re Affordable - We spent $80 total on a park pass and used it frequently. I’ve never had $80 provide so many “Holy Shit” moments in such a short amount of time.

And now for a quick run down of Day…

We started the day in the Far View lodge where we were lucky enough to find one final room online. The lodge is comfortable in a basic way (WiFi, private rooms, great views, decent food) and gets the day started much faster since it’s 15 miles into a somewhat difficult to navigate park. From there it was all heavy breathing as we took a Cliff Palace andSpruce Tree House tour, and hiked to some petroglyphs at 7,000+ feet where the oxygen is about 20% lower than that at 250 feet elevation in lovely Amesbury, MA.

As rambled above, the Mesa Verde tours were outstanding and you’ll not get a full appreciation for the dwellings without taking at least one. Naturally, TripAdvisor has a great list of the top attractions for when you want to go. And if you’re really lucky, you might get one or two outstanding National Park Ranger jokes:

Joke 1  

“Watch your step, the Anasazi didn’t quite meet OSHA standards on these structures”

Joke 2
Ranger: “What happens when water hits sandstone?”
Crowd: “Erosion.”
Ranger: “Right, and what happens when sandstone erodes?”
Crowd: *Head scratching*
Ranger: “That’s right - you get National Parks!”

Trust me, among certain crowds, these absolutely KILL!

Having had our fill after a day in the park, we jumped back into the clay covered Compass and headed out on a 4 hour drive to the Grand Canyon, but not before a delicious and quick lunch at El Burro Pancho (thanks again Yelp!).

After four hours on the road we hit the South Rim about an hour before sunset. Now I know what you’re thinking - Chad, you sly devil, you planned for a romantic sunset experience at the South Rim to really highlight your worth as a romantic partner. Logical right? 

Unfortunately, it couldn’t have been further from the truth, although the end results were the same - an enjoyable tour of the Desert View Drive Watchtower followed by an enjoyable sunset view at Moran Point where a combination of amateur photogs scoffed at our iPhone camera abilities and we scoffed at their dedication to taking marginally impressive photos.

Since we had limited time and the Grand Canyon really deserves multiple days during a future journey, we spent the rest of the evening in a quick tour of the Canyon by car, viewing of occasional elk and an hour long drive to Flagstaff where we white-trashed it up with fine dining at the Olive Garden before a final drive to search for Sedona Vortexes, gawk at dams and a final relaxing night in Vegas.

Day 6 - Monumental Observations

With four solid days of hiking in the books, it was time for a day of driving, gawking and being filled with awe by both nature and humans. But first, a kudos to Kokopelli lodge for maybe the best quick stop travel hotel in existence. With a cheap rate ($80 or so), easy check-in, super fun and clean decor and a two minute walk to an overly enjoyable Moab downtown, there is nothing to dislike. Were this an Amazon review, I’d give it an "A+++++, would buy from again” rating.

After a quick checkout, delicious iced coffee from Moab Coffee Roasters, breakfast wraps from Love Muffin Cafe (don’t judge me for another double breakfast - I’m on vacation) we hit the road for a quick 150 miles to Monument Valley, but not without a detour to Newspaper Rock. 

Newspaper Rock is a 45 minute detour from 491 and well worth the time. Whereas the drawings in Capitol Reef were clearly to communicate the existence of aliens to future visitors, Newspaper Rock was more along the lines of doodlings by artistic tribesman. From men standing on horses to jackass vandals, you’ll get a good view of centuries of drawings that will entertain for full minutes and make you think, “Yeah, that was worth it."

From Newspaper Rock it was a couple of quick hours to Monument Valley where one thing became abundantly clear - grand, aww inspiring structures combined with crystal clear skies make one quickly lose any sense of distance. Multiple mile wide buttes were approached for minutes on end at full speed without ever getting any closer. While I could attempt to capture these with words, sub par iPhone photos will do better than I could ever imagine. Enjoy.

As one might deduce from previous ramblings, a day of limited physical activity leaves me with plenty of energy to focus on how much I dislike other tourists. Examples:

• If you see approximately 1,000 signs that say “Tribal Land, No US Parks Passes Accepted”, please assume this applies to you as well. Otherwise you risk making a 10 car entry line take 45 mins to process while 6 of those 10 cars argue the policy (No exaggeration - I timed it)
• Kudos to the native who claimed land next to an often flooded road and charges $5 to go through his yard. Perfect foresight and price point. Boo too the guy we saw say no and turn around.
• Germans are everywhere. EVERYWHERE. They will rise again and try to take us down if China doesn’t first. (Please appreciate an avoidance of recent data breach rants and red herrings here)
• Selfie sticks are a thing. You use them so you can take photos that don’t look like a selfie. This is so, so sad.
• Those boxy Kias really just want to be Elements (aka, second best car ever other than the Tesla Model X). Tell me this photo doesn’t look like an old school Element add.

One more thing before I throw a wrap up paragraph and future post teaser your way...it's become apparent that a PSA needs to be issued for proper tourist placement, so here it goes:

Tourist Protip: Don’t sit, stand or pose in any of the following locations. It is rude and irritating.:

• Doorways
• Narrow Paths
• Signs/Information Booths
• Next to me
• Touching me
• On top of me (in any way)
• In me (figuratively and literally)

Having had more than enough fun in two awe filled hours driving the Monument Valley scenic loop, we jumped back on the road to view the four corners (worth visiting if you’re ever within an hour’s drive) and then on to Mesa Verde where we arrived just in time to catch a glimpse of ancient dwellings and eat our fill of Navajo tacos. More on this awesomeness tomorrow.

Day 5 - Arches!

When you sleep in a yurt surrounded by crumbling rock formations and wake up to find a sign pointing to Goblin’s Lair, it’s difficult not to wander down that path. It’s also really tough to find a place name Goblin Lair if you’re not looking for a tiny cave and huge hole in the ground requiring significant skill and equipment. And so started Day 5 with a two hour rambling hike through Goblin Valley searching for cairns.

Luckily for us, the rambling was quite nice (save for a lost hiking shirt) and provided for great views, tons of tracks, weird plants and a sandy scramble through Carmel Canyon. Now some fun facts about Goblin:

• Carmel Canyon floods after a night of rain meaning you’re going to have to divert your path at the end and use drainage pipes to climb out.
• Basic toilets are available near the trailhead. Approximately 3,000 flies live in each one. Plan accordingly.
• It takes no less than 24 hours to remove sand from an iPhone case.

Having wrapped up an adventurous morning, we jumped in the car for a quick drive to Arches. Very quickly we realized that a few days without showers or good sleep can be very wearing and result in certain people named Chad acting like an ass. Kudos to Stacy for dealing with me until we stumbled upon an Arby’s where emotional eating helped to quell my attitude.

The road to Arches was a nice change of pace after several days of stressful driving - it’s straight, fast, provides modern amenities and gives connectivity for the first time in (*gasp!*) over two days! It also provides multiple places to pull over and view dinosaur tracks! While they weren’t quite a defined as I’d expect after several million years, they were clearly giggle worthy tracks.

From the dinosaur tracks it was off to a quick hike to the Corona and Bowtie arches. While not actually in the park, this is considered the “must hike” trail around Moab and it’s easy to see why. The trail gets you sweating, but is still easy enough that a 6 year can make it to the end. You get to cross train tracks, use chains for support, climb a ladder, see a HUGE collection of cairns and finally get blown away by Corona arch. Corona initially blends in with the background, but opened up to bright blue skies as we got closer, and was large enough that grabbing a photo with someone smiling and waving makes them seem like a discolored pixel. All in all, a great 3 mile hike!

In an attempt to avoid continued grumpiness, we toned down the day a bit more by scrapping Canyonlands and opting instead for the Arches scenic drive and relaxing night in Moab. The scenic drive is everything you’d hope for - easy to follow, amazing sights that are difficult to capture on camera, quick walks to a ton of rocks eroded away to shapes slightly resembling man made creations, and overall entirely enjoyable. Being a Tuesday afternoon, we weren’t hit by too much traffic, so it was also quick!

We finally wrapped up the day with a super dose of delicious Mexican, Ice Cream and ramble around a nice Moab downtown. While I’m a big fan of one day stays in a location, it’s easy to see how the many shops, restaurants, trails and adventure outfitters could make several days or even a week entirely enjoyable and exciting.

Up next: Monument Valley

Day 4 - A Scenic Byway

Teepees may sound like a great idea - a romantic one even, but unless you’re entertaining a group of 7 year olds under perfectly clear skies, I’d highly recommend they be avoided. And so started the damp, tired morning at the gates of Bryce Canyon. 

Luckily, this was the extent of the bad news for day 4 of our journey.

An early wake up time means one thing at Bryce - the opportunity to catch one of the world’s best sunrises! While we may not have caught the sun on its best day, we did get a decent enough 7am show to put us on the road early and start a rambling 120 mile trip across Scenic Byway 12 to Capitol Reef. 

The byway is receiving more promotion out west these days, and for good reason - it provides you incomparable views of canyons, valleys and grasslands from up to 10,000 feet high, frequently on the edge of a cliff. While it’s a bit of a nerve wracking drive at times, the views (which sadly can’t be replicated in a picture) are worth it, as are a few other bonuses:

• Escalante Petrified Forrest State Park - Provides a great two mile hike amongst a petrified forrest - effectively big ass logs that have been turned into colorful rocks over millions of years. #BadAss
  
• A passing glance of a Drive-In Movie/Air Stream RV Park. It may not look like anyone has ever stayed at the Shooting Star, but their website will prove otherwise. I can only imagine what shenanigans ensued when Barb Bush pulled in a few years back.
• An AMAZING hippie dining/boarding commune in Boulder, UT that includes the fantastic Hells Backbone Grill - the type of place that allows you to justify a hobbit-esque second breakfast.
• A quick but interesting tour of an Anasazi museum and archaeological dig site. Side note - their bathroom light timers encourage rather quick work of any more involved business or you risk wasting some precious iPhone battery life using its flashlight.
  

After a nice four hour journey we finally entered Capitol Reef and were amazed from Chimney Rock (no, not the Oregon trail one...) until the last second of our visit. Capitol Reef is the perfect active rest day park - epic 360 degree views are made possible by some of the cleanest air in the world allowing for visibility of up to 150 miles. Add to this a great scenic drive and access to quick (1-4 mile) hikes and you’ll be more than happy for a few hours.

Our hike for the day was Grand Wash which is a mostly flat walk through stone walls hundreds of feet high. When not gawking at the landscape, you can also find gems of petroglyphs from ancient peoples, names/dates of early Mormon settlers, and graffiti/vandalism from dummies who think walking half a mile in 2012 is an equally impressive accomplishment as it was in 1880. 

Add a few pools named The Tanks to the above sites and Grand Wash is a great way to take in much of the park by car and foot in about two hours. And of course, stop by the Gifford house on the way back for a reward of ice cream and cinnamon buns. Or pie. Or maybe all of the above.

We finally rounded out a day of driving and waltzing with a couple hour drive from Capitol Reef to Goblin Valley with a quick stop over in Hanksville for dinner. Goblin Valley had one of the most anticipated features of our trip to date - a night in a Yurt (think a big, round, non-wet teepee with heat an electricity). Luckily for us, the nasty rain held off for the day until we approached the rather desolate area that houses Goblin Valley, where we were treated to a thunder and lighting show backed by dark shadows and huge buttes…an entertaining end to an outstanding day.

And now some more personal thoughts...

1. Never enter a port-a-potty while chewing any kind of food. Especially almonds.
2. On the way out of Capitol Reef there are petroglyphs that look like "anthropomorphic humanoids with geometric shapes”, or some similar description. NO - These were ancient spaceman drawings. I don’t know what this mysterious tribe called the Fremonts were in to, but those dudes knew ALIENS.
3. How does someone get to the age of 70 without ever learning to cross the road? Or not park in the road? Or not stand in the road? Or just not knowing how to avoid traffic in general? I’m shocked there aren’t more elderly traffic related deaths in national parks.

Day 3 - Bryce: An Adventure at Every Turn

If Zion is an epic sledgehammer of awe that blows you away with many of the same views over and over, Bryce is it’s trickier cousin who beats you into submission with a new super slap around every turn to make sure you love every moment of it. 

For our day at Bryce, we decided to do what all wise folks do and blindly follow a write up found on the internet - and boy did we luck out! Not only did the Climb Utah site provide spot on directions, but it gave us exactly what we needed in a hike - 3 enjoyable hours with constantly changing scenery ending up in a perfect 6 mile loop. Among the joys of the combo Navajo, Peekaboo and Queens Garden trails were:

• Storms EVERYWHERE - Apparently Utah is no stranger to off and on storms that will leave you soaked one minute and nearly dry the next. Bryce makes these even better as you can see miles in each direction, meaning full rays of sunshine to your left, lighting striking straight ahead and hail pouring down to your right. Getting wet wasn’t fun, but the overall views were great.

• Leg Day! - Canyons always irritate me a bit because you save the hardest part - the climb - for the end. Bryce was a bit different as the Peekaboo trail was a constant up and down and the exit to Sunrise point was significantly more gradual than expected.

• Panoramas - I’ve never stopped for more photos on a hike than today. Every turn was a new alien land that needed to be documented so I could torture family friends over cocktails like a 1970s couple who just drove to Disney for the first time. Enjoy.

• Great Signs - Who doesn’t love wooden signs that are a bit over bearing? I found one in particular that need to be in my home for when semi-unwanted house guests arrive.

Having fully enjoyed a solid mid-day of hiking we returned to town and checked in to our ultra lux teepee. Funny thing about those things - there is a big ass hole in the top that in the right conditions (a light rain for example) will allow just enough water in for discomfort. Being the chubby version of McGeyver that I am, this was quickly solved with a tent tarp that upgraded to the native version of a double wide.

To wrap up a post that is relatively nice to other travelers, I leave you with these thoughts:

1. The Civilian Conservation Corps (CCC) put millions to work and made great strides in connecting humans with mother nature in a somewhat non-destructive way. Also, this was a super socialistic program, so please bitch slap any dumb ass that ever slanders government work programs without giving some credit where it is due.
2. If you pay for a buffet but instead opt for the omelette station, you’re a bad person. In all likelihood you don’t fully understand lines, queues, waiting your turn or the speed and simplicity benefits that actually drive you to a buffet in the first place. Also, save $4 and order the omelette from the kitchen…do you really need to stand over the chef while staring down those next to you in one of the most pathetic power trips known to man?
3. I love awkwardness. Not to name names, but a travel companion of mine had the following exchange that I absolutely adored (for all the wrong reasons) today:

Traveler: “Do you have blabbidy boo?” (Or something similar)
Waitress: “No, what is it?”
Traveler: “It’s what Mormons drink instead of coffee”
Waitress: “Well I’m Mormon and I’ve never heard of it”
Editor’s note: This enough would tide me over in the awkwardness department, but one final line really made me appreciate the awkwardness effort…Traveler: “Really? Because that’s what they drank on Big Love on HBO.”
At this point, we saw the waitress exactly three more times: To take our order, to deliver our order and to leave our check. She was very cordial, but also very obviously getting ready to shoot the next tourist that referenced the one thing about Mormonism that they knew on tv.

Day 2 - Zion is Amazing. People are Not.

The great thing about smartphones is the variety of ways you can take notes for future reference...

Cameras!

For instance, you can capture dozens of pictures that could easily be found on a Google Image Search, but would lack a blacked out corner from where you still haven’t learned to move your goddamn finger.

Of course they can also grab surprisingly clean panoramas of sandstone structures towering thousands of feet in the air, 18 inch wide hiking paths that can lead to rapid falling down those towering structures, multi-chin selfies and a variety of other levels of awesomeness.

The one thing these photos can’t do is explain how absolutely amazing Zion is. Starting with a surprisingly convenient and efficient shuttle system that is nearly 15 years old (skim this long but fascinating write up for more details) can get you from the hotel to trailhead with surprising ease, efficiency and friendliness every step of the way. 

They also can’t capture how paved paths can surprisingly work well with nature. Or how the park is planned out in a way that makes people want to explore and exercise, even if it’s obvious that this is very, very far from their nature.

But luckily other mediums can…

Self Texts

When in doubt, shoot yourself a text. Sure it looks douchie, but it helps capture gems like:

“I love my new shoes” - I’ve had horrible luck with my feet for several years, but the Columbia Conspiracys are amazing - great traction, just the right amount of padding and minimal slippage on downhills. If anyone actually read this, I could be blamed for a cheap plug, but instead read it as a rare compliment.

“Easy $80 Pass” - If you’re hitting more than a few national parks in a row, get the $80 “America the Beautiful” park pass. It'll pay for itself by park #4 of your trip and is good for a full year!

“Great Under/Over 3 Hour Signs” - Again, Zion is awesome about catering to folks and making their trips easy and adventurous. A swath of signs great visitors within the first few hundred yards explaining all of the options they have, right down to what they should do with what amount of time. As someone with a short attention span, hatred of feeling lost and limited time in each park this was great.

Of course, it’s not in my nature to be so positive, so the texts can actually be entertaining too!

“PSA: You are horrible if you clip your nails in public” - Clipping your nails within earshot of house mates is barely acceptable. Doing it in public makes you worse than a person who dislikes babies. Clipping your nails ON A PUBLIC BUS proves that you should be euthanized. Clipping them on a public bus WITH SHARDS FLYING EVERYWHERE proves that South Park’s depiction of Saddam Hussein and Satan mating is not only factually accurate, but also that their offspring is living on earth. This is disgusting and will result in a punch to the face worldwide starting on Jan 1, 2015.

“Euros: GTF out of the way. No need to hug me on an 18 inch path” - Here’s the deal…I’m a 100+ kg round mound of poor coordination, awful decisions and easy exhaustion on a good day. On a day where I’ve just climbed for 2+ hours and we’re sharing an 18 inch swath of ground with a lethal drop on both sides, it’s probably a safe bet that treading should be light around me. But noooo…every person who is either from the EU, under the age of 22, female and over the age of 55, or holding a camera worth more than my car felt the need to charge head on into me at every opportunity with no regard for their safety or my nimbleness. Folks, if you’re hiking be respectful of others and work with them. 

Voice Memos!

There are just some bits of raw emotion that even text and photos can’t properly capture. Rather than try and describe the meaning behind these messages, I figure a raw transcript will have your imaginations giggling with delight at the possibilities:

Memo 1: Mesquite, NV

“Mesquite, NV is a s***hole where people that can’t afford Vegas go. Period. We saw two fat as f*** ladies walking down the middle of the road with no bras on with some poor schlep that had to escort them while he mocked them. So that was awesome. And they make horrible Starbucks. So a really, really good start to a bitter vacation.”

Memo 2: Squeaky Hiker

Me (Whispering): “Note to self: Squeaky people that don’t know how to climb are really, really irritating on the trail.”
Stacy (Loud): “So much faster than us somehow!”
Me (Whispering): “They’re not faster. We keep stopping so they don’t kill us.”

Memo 3: Euros

“Dear Europeans, get the f*** out of the way. I’m 100+ kilogram wrecking ball of mis-coordination and mis-steps that will take us both out on an 18 inch wide path. Please stop.”

Wrap Up: I Love Zion

In all earnestness, I can’t believe how awesome Zion is…right down to an amazing Tex-Mex eatery serving great spicy fire tacos! If you make it to Zion, promise to:

• Take the full scenic bus tour
• Hike the Angel Landing Trail as far as you feel comfortable (if you can run a 5k, you can make it up to the dangerous part…after that it’s a comfort thing).
• Hike at least one more trail - we enjoyed the Emerald Pools trails from the Grotto stop back to the lodge.

TL;DR: Visit Zion - Ignore the People

Day 1 - From A(rches) to Z(ion) - The Start of a New Road Trip

Having been absent from both the blog-o-sphere and vacation-o-sphere for way too long (plus having made a grand gesture of @saubin50's b-day this year with a promise for a National Park Road trip), it's time to fire up the old Blogspot account and see if I can still entertain folks...

Foundation Point 1: The Overview

This year's road trip will be all National Parks, almost all the time. The list is long and dare I say AWESOME with parks ranging from Arches to Zion and accommodations including Yurts, Teepees and a scattering of reasonably priced hotels, motels and Holiday Inns. As is my wont, a semi-detailed Google Map is available for those looking to stalk a bit more.

Foundation Point 2: The Epic Eff Up

It’s not every day that I begin planning a fall vacation during the spring, so picking a date seemed pretty easy at the time. At one point I even uttered the words “Won’t Utah be a bit too hot in August? Let’s go in September!” All harmless, right?

Wrong. WRONG. W-R-O-N-G! September 7th is week 1 of the NFL and anyone that follows my pathetic attempt at life IRL realizes that this marks the first of 16 consecutive Sundays where I sit on a couch cheering on myriad fantasy teams with idiotic names like “VAST Like Yo Mama”, “Skowvegas Skidmarks” and my most lazy attempt at double entendre ever, “Chad’s Low Hanging Fruit”. Missing week 1 of hibernation in front of NFL RedZone is like a junkie showing up 5 minutes after the methadone clinic closing…it just doesn’t happen.

Until it does. 

But wait…we’re flying into Vegas. Where better to watch week 1 than Vegas? NOWHERE! Unless you fly in on a Friday and plan to be hiking Bryce Canyon on Sunday. Alas, a week 1 binge is not in the cards, meaning I’ll be “That Guy” on Sunday, hiking through amazing scenery with a beautiful girlfriend while pathetically checking for fantasy updates on his phone ever 37 seconds.

Foundation Point 3: The Tortas

If there’s one thing social media is good for, it’s finding a 24 hour torta house with murderous blinking lights, a cash only policy and no menu for vegetarian travel companions after a long flight to Vegas. Tortas El Rey - I thank you for your generosity and patience at 2 am while we mutually discovered that a blackbean quesadilla is both possible ~and~ up to the standards of a vegetarian. Godspeed dear graveyard shift workers. Godspeed.

Foundation Point 4: The Car

Being that I’m a real ‘Murican and will fight for the rights of every man, I needed something equally as masculine to tour the arid lands of Utah with. No Ford Focus or Toyota Camry would work for the terrible tangle of testosterone…this had to be a car my manly thighs could step up into while sucking down the gas mileage of everyone around them. That’s right, nothing less than a base model Jeep Compass with AM/FM radio, difficulty shifting and something resembling cloth seats would work for this guy. It’s a wonder they ever discontinued an auto that could nearly claim an elite title had it been released during the Nixon presidency.

With those points in mind, I invite you to stalk away over the next few days and place side bets on how long I can manage to post on a regular basis before another multi-year hiatus...