Day 2 - Zion is Amazing. People are Not.

The great thing about smartphones is the variety of ways you can take notes for future reference...

Cameras!

For instance, you can capture dozens of pictures that could easily be found on a Google Image Search, but would lack a blacked out corner from where you still haven’t learned to move your goddamn finger.

Of course they can also grab surprisingly clean panoramas of sandstone structures towering thousands of feet in the air, 18 inch wide hiking paths that can lead to rapid falling down those towering structures, multi-chin selfies and a variety of other levels of awesomeness.

The one thing these photos can’t do is explain how absolutely amazing Zion is. Starting with a surprisingly convenient and efficient shuttle system that is nearly 15 years old (skim this long but fascinating write up for more details) can get you from the hotel to trailhead with surprising ease, efficiency and friendliness every step of the way. 

They also can’t capture how paved paths can surprisingly work well with nature. Or how the park is planned out in a way that makes people want to explore and exercise, even if it’s obvious that this is very, very far from their nature.

But luckily other mediums can…

Self Texts

When in doubt, shoot yourself a text. Sure it looks douchie, but it helps capture gems like:

“I love my new shoes” - I’ve had horrible luck with my feet for several years, but the Columbia Conspiracys are amazing - great traction, just the right amount of padding and minimal slippage on downhills. If anyone actually read this, I could be blamed for a cheap plug, but instead read it as a rare compliment.

“Easy $80 Pass” - If you’re hitting more than a few national parks in a row, get the $80 “America the Beautiful” park pass. It'll pay for itself by park #4 of your trip and is good for a full year!

“Great Under/Over 3 Hour Signs” - Again, Zion is awesome about catering to folks and making their trips easy and adventurous. A swath of signs great visitors within the first few hundred yards explaining all of the options they have, right down to what they should do with what amount of time. As someone with a short attention span, hatred of feeling lost and limited time in each park this was great.

Of course, it’s not in my nature to be so positive, so the texts can actually be entertaining too!

“PSA: You are horrible if you clip your nails in public” - Clipping your nails within earshot of house mates is barely acceptable. Doing it in public makes you worse than a person who dislikes babies. Clipping your nails ON A PUBLIC BUS proves that you should be euthanized. Clipping them on a public bus WITH SHARDS FLYING EVERYWHERE proves that South Park’s depiction of Saddam Hussein and Satan mating is not only factually accurate, but also that their offspring is living on earth. This is disgusting and will result in a punch to the face worldwide starting on Jan 1, 2015.

“Euros: GTF out of the way. No need to hug me on an 18 inch path” - Here’s the deal…I’m a 100+ kg round mound of poor coordination, awful decisions and easy exhaustion on a good day. On a day where I’ve just climbed for 2+ hours and we’re sharing an 18 inch swath of ground with a lethal drop on both sides, it’s probably a safe bet that treading should be light around me. But noooo…every person who is either from the EU, under the age of 22, female and over the age of 55, or holding a camera worth more than my car felt the need to charge head on into me at every opportunity with no regard for their safety or my nimbleness. Folks, if you’re hiking be respectful of others and work with them. 

Voice Memos!

There are just some bits of raw emotion that even text and photos can’t properly capture. Rather than try and describe the meaning behind these messages, I figure a raw transcript will have your imaginations giggling with delight at the possibilities:

Memo 1: Mesquite, NV

“Mesquite, NV is a s***hole where people that can’t afford Vegas go. Period. We saw two fat as f*** ladies walking down the middle of the road with no bras on with some poor schlep that had to escort them while he mocked them. So that was awesome. And they make horrible Starbucks. So a really, really good start to a bitter vacation.”

Memo 2: Squeaky Hiker

Me (Whispering): “Note to self: Squeaky people that don’t know how to climb are really, really irritating on the trail.”
Stacy (Loud): “So much faster than us somehow!”
Me (Whispering): “They’re not faster. We keep stopping so they don’t kill us.”

Memo 3: Euros

“Dear Europeans, get the f*** out of the way. I’m 100+ kilogram wrecking ball of mis-coordination and mis-steps that will take us both out on an 18 inch wide path. Please stop.”

Wrap Up: I Love Zion

In all earnestness, I can’t believe how awesome Zion is…right down to an amazing Tex-Mex eatery serving great spicy fire tacos! If you make it to Zion, promise to:

• Take the full scenic bus tour
• Hike the Angel Landing Trail as far as you feel comfortable (if you can run a 5k, you can make it up to the dangerous part…after that it’s a comfort thing).
• Hike at least one more trail - we enjoyed the Emerald Pools trails from the Grotto stop back to the lodge.

TL;DR: Visit Zion - Ignore the People