Belgium - A First Impression

One of the benefits of being a socially awkward (but lovable) tech geek is the opportunity to travel to far away lands. While the majority of my traveling in the past has been to locations that would rank very low on the awesomeness scale - Montgomery, AL and Mechanicsburg, PA spring to mind - cities of much higher caliber will occasionally sneak into the mix. Gems like San Francisco and New York are thrown my way with a frequency that earns my current employer just enough goodwill to guarantee I will be one of their cash cows for at least a few more months, but infrequently enough to keep me from whining about the abundance of plane and train seats I must squeeze in to.

So, after far too many months in Merrimack, NH, it was with much joy that I was informed of my next assignment location - Brussels, Belgium! Better yet, the assignment required an odd Wednesday to Wednesday schedule, meaning I would have to be tortured by a European weekend on my company’s dime.

Being the dedicated, subservient employee I am, I forewent obvious questions like “Don’t we have a European office just for situations like this?” and “Don’t you realize a two hour train ride is cheaper than a transatlantic flight?”, assumed there was some advanced staffing logic beyond my grasp and quickly booked a direct flight to the capital of the European Union. (Yup, that was news to me too).

After a few days of work, exploring the city at night and avoiding my sleeper sofa in any way possible, I came to the following conclusion - Brussels is to Europe as Nashua, NH is to the United States. A great place to raise a family and live, but not the most exciting spot to visit. What better way to demonstrate this than through factors upon which all civilized cultures should be judged: Food, Bathrooms and Ladies.

The Food

There are three things that I think of when Belgium is mentioned: waffles, chocolate and beer (in that order). While this sounds like a simple night of gastronomic indulgence for a normal person, it excites formerly fat children the world over into outbreaks of week long buffet sweats. I must say, my preconceived notions did not disappoint.

Unsurprisingly, the beer was delicious and exactly what I expected. While Stella is readily available in the States, I had yet to experience the deliciousness of Jupiler. Hoegaarden comes in a close 3rd, but only because I’m not into Belgian wheats all that much.

The waffles are crisp but chewy - glazed with any combination of chocolate, powder, honey and fruit based preserves that one's cholesterol clogged arteries may desire. Your hands are sticky and stomach heavy for hours after eating them, but it only takes seconds after the digestive cycle is complete before you are contemplating another trip to the waffle stand. There’s a reason I’m fat, deal with it.

In no way did I think anything could live up to the quality of the waffles or beer, but alas, I was wrong. I’ll explain the chocolate with this little tale from a Saturday afternoon stroll:

I entered a chocolate shop just for a treat - 4 pieces of chocolate (2 dark walnut, 2 dark caramel) at a cost of 6 Euros, or about $7.50. Now, the number of motivations that override my cheapness is comparable only with the number of ladies I’ve made lucky in my life, but of those, gluttony easily takes the cake. The chocolate was gone in a matter of minutes and I quickly found myself dropping another 5 Euros on several more pieces. I’m proud to say that every piece of my 58% cocoa-based lunch was one of the best I've ever consumed, even with the $1.50/piece price tag added in.

Much to my surprise, this is the limit of Belgian food (other than French Fries) that I would consider edible in any way. Based on the list of native dishes (including black pudding, horse steak and tongue set in gelatine) in my Lonely Planet guide book, I forewent the search for a Belgian restaurant and stuck with Irish, Chinese and Indian. While they may still make me sick, at least I'll know exactly why.

The Bathrooms

Take every preconception you've ever had about European bathrooms and throw them out the window. Despite having watched European Vacation to no end, only once have I had to share a bathroom while traveling in Europe. For the most part, they've been completely private, perfectly clean and up to the standards of someone hailing from rural Maine (I figure the Europeans should get the benefit of the doubt on this one).

The bathrooms in Belgium have actually been quite pleasant. They often have very stylish fixtures, great color schemes and lots of tile and mirrors. It's like walking around nude in an Ikea showroom without the threat of security chasing you out.

Now the bad part: I'm an American. A large one at that. Even without my soft outer shell, I tend to have a very wide stance. Like certain politicians, I prefer bathrooms where sitting on the toilet doesn't require my knees to touch the stall door, or each other for that matter. No one should ever bump their head on a door when standing up after sitting on a toilet to cry. Nor at any time during the number 2 process should one have to tuck body parts in a way that results in a "mangina" because the side walls are too close. It's just not natural, and actually a little disturbing.

So to all European landlords out there - keep up the good work! Keep the water hot and the style cool, but please widen those stalls by 6 inches on all sides.

The Ladies

Remember that dude from college that went to Europe for a summer and came back bragging about how hot Italian women are? Or Spanish women. Or Swiss. Or Polish. Or even the German ladies in their own "I want to be emasculated when I make love" kind of way. Think real hard. Did that kid ever mention a Belgian woman?

Let me help you with the answer - NO! There is a reason Belgium is known for beer, waffles and chocolate - because the women are incredibly average. Not fugly, just not anything worth looking twice (or even once) at. Not to get too self deprecating (riiiiggghhhttt....), but Belgium is to hot women as I am to attractiveness, grooming, personal appearance, common sense, casual conversation, athletic ability, bedroom adventures and anything else not involving a keyboard. (For the record, my bedroom adventures involving keyboards fall more into my tech strengths than love weaknesses.)

It kind of baffles me. I have walked everywhere possible - malls, tourist areas, universities, even the red light district in Antwerp (seriously), and not once have I been wowed by a woman. Hell, the whole red light district only had two women I'd even consider allowing to see me nude in real life, and never would I pay them for that honor.

The girls aren't hideous, they are just consistently fours, fives and sixes. There are too many buck teeth, overly plump behinds, crossed eyes and missing limbs on each one to put them in a category even approaching hot. Belgium is the place where women should send their fiancees for bachelor parties - I promise you that the guys will come back thankful for finding a hottie to take him after being totally immersed in such averageness.

While I'm hoping my opinion of Belgium, and Brussels in particular, change over the next few days, my hopes are not high. It is going to take a massive beer garden with killer sausages, live sports on big screen tvs and girls of Oktoberfest proportions to elevate my opinion above "Eh, it's worth seeing for an afternoon".