A Recipe to End the Year On

Having spent my previous New Year's Eve in an entertaining but way too healthy manner, I made a pre-2011 resolution to consume as much combined sugar, caffeine and alcohol in one night as my quickly aging body would allow, while still being able to drive to a wedding the following day.

The natural choice for such a challenge was the much ballyhooed Four Loko, which proudly boasts having as much caffeine as a large cup of coffee mixed with up to 12% alcohol and a fruity kick for fun. Alas, in a show of surprising responsibility and potential intelligence, our government quickly banned the product enjoyed by frat boys from coast to coast

Luckily, college age degenerates are plentiful, creative and internet savvy, leading to home brew Four Loko instructions quickly being posted on YouTube:

Unfortunately, I don't keep a regular supply of St. Ides Malt Liquor in my humble abode as the instructions recommend, and typically avoid straight consumption of caffeine pills as they occasionally can cause hearts to stop beating. With those factors in mind, I hit up Walmart and the local liquor store, and after a little experimenting, came up with the following recipe with not quite disappointing results:

Ingredients:

• 2 - 12 oz cans of Monster Lo-Carb Energy drink
• 10 - Jolly Ranchers (The purple/blue combination is recommended although pink/red worked ok as well)
• 32 oz diet sprite
• 12 oz Pomegranate Vodka

Instructions:

1. Dissolve the Jolly Ranchers in the Monster for ~12 hours
2. Mix everything together
3. Drink

The resulting mixtures contained somewhat unnatural hues of reds and greens but goes down as easy as Kool-Aid (this was confirmed with several small children playing outside). While the results of consuming such a brew have yet to occur, and will likely be best left undocumented, it can only be assumed that caffeine + booze = pure awesomeness.

Long Distance Subletting in NYC~or~You're Gonna Get Screwed

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Trattoria Athena: A Semi-Biased Review

Disclaimer: I am friends with Timothy O'Brien, one of Trattoria Athena's co-owners, making this review immediately biased. I'm also obsessively critical, routinely play the role of devil's advocate for fun and have presented the following details in the exact same way I shared with both owners. If you disagree after a visit, I'll gladly teach you how to start your own blog, make friends with restaurant owners and write essays that your parents and loved ones will act like they read so they don't have to hear about it to no end.

Overview: A-
A short 25 minutes from Portland, ME, Trattoria Athena (25 Mill St, Brunswick, ME) serves a reasonably priced mix of Italian and Greek fare. The homey atmosphere is the perfect location for a celebratory dinner or date night.

Atmosphere: A-
Trattoria Athena's dining area is large enough to hold a private conversation, yet small enough for the servers to be attentive and non-intrusive. Barn door table tops, mason jar drinking glasses and comfortably eclectic wall hangings round out an environment that channels an upscale Downeastern feel.

Appetizers: B+
If available, order the Fiori di Zucca Ripieni (lightly fried zucchini blossoms with ricotta and mozzarella - 4 for $10). The ricotta and mozzarella combination is perfectly heated - hot enough to be tender, but not so hot as to be runny. The zucchini blossom makes for an excellent departure from the typically heavy casings of cheese based appetizers.

The bread in the Greek & Italian oil service ($2.50, one Greek oil, one Italian oil) was well worth ordering the on its own. The oils were interesting and worth a try, but I won't object to the rumored plans to rotate through a variety of oils.

Wine: B+
Wine is my biggest weakness in my well honed gluttony, but the wine list is exactly what I desire in a casual, intimate eatery - with options ranging from affordable to nice, yet not obscene. The house red was unoffensive and went down smooth. While the list may occasionally change, I had choices of reds and whites from both Greece and Italy. A glass of the house was a reasonable $4.50, while a bottle of the finest was a justifiable $70.

To add to the atmosphere, wine is served in stemless glasses that tend to make a standard pour look somewhat lacking. Rest assured that this is just an interesting illusion and 2 glasses are plenty to leave most diners in a sufficiently relaxed mood.

Entrees: A
Due to repeated poor experiences, I make it a point to avoid ravioli at all costs. Luckily my date was not so picky and took a chance with one of the specials - goat stuffed ravioli. The kitchen was able to avoid the common mistake of overcooked pasta and under flavored filling hidden in a heavy sauce. Instead, the goat was flavored to be uncommon but tasty and was well complimented by a light sauce. In a land where most restaurant ravioli is comparable to a 4 year old's canned lunch, this handmade pasta is well worth a try.

The Involtino di Pollo (or Chicken "roll" as the menu helpfully guides) is a great combination of breast stuffed with a variety of flavors including feta and sundried tomatoes. The fregula (similar to orzo or couscous in shape) that it was served on was slightly under seasoned but easily fixed with a touch of salt. I would gladly order both entrees again on repeat visits.

Desserts: A+
If the entrees were a concert, the desserts would easily play the first, second and third encores due to popular demand. The dessert raviolis were perfectly fried, filled with a tasty blueberry/sauce combination and topped with more handpicked blueberries. To tie the warm dessert together, a scoop of Greek homemade mint ice cream topped the combination.

As good as the dessert raviolis were, the baklava served with an individual scoop of Greek homemade coffee ice cream was unequaled. One of the co-owners, Marc, was able to avoid the common mistakes of making the baklava too dry or serving it with honey that was too sweet. Instead they were a perfect compliment to one another. Again, the ice cream was able to bring the dish together and make for a delicious treat to end the meal.

Total Price: B
Approximately $70 before tipping the friendly and helpful server. While this isn't a nightly meal, $70 for 3 glasses of wine, 2 appetizers, 2 entrees and 2 desserts all of a quality rarely found north of Boston's North End was more than justifiable. A basic meal for two could easily cost $40 or less.

Affirmation of a Blog Name

While I'd like to believe that my blog name is somewhat original, a quick search shows that multiple others of larger carriage have taken a liking to the "Fat Man Running" theme. Most of these sites focus on a plump gent documenting the journey to their "inner skinny guy" or who has "aspirations of losing weight while completing a marathon". I'd love to report that these blogs often end in great success, but I'd be lying. The Fat Man Running life is a tough one to live for more than a few ambitious months at a time.

Luckily, my Fat Man Running theme is not fly-by-night - I've been a fat runner since I became a man. This, of course, is arguable. My mother will always claim I'm too skinny (she once told me this at 255 lbs while I squeezed into 42" jeans), skilled runners may call my stride more of a waddle (I prefer an awkward gait), and my brothers love to remind me that my manhood is questionable at best.

With such misguided accusations of a healthy BMI, choppy strides and flowing effeminacy, I needed a sign that I was in fact a Fat Man Running. Something that says "this is so unique to your situation that it would bare your name if it were any less common." Something that affirms gender, body composition and activity level with one fell swoop. Something...sexy!

Instead, I got injured. With only 1/2 mile left in the Scotland Run 10k an injury struck me with such force that doctors had to give it the least intimidating name possible so as to avoid panic at its' mere utterance. Yes, I'm talking about plantar fasciitis.

Now don't let fancy Latin sounding names diminish the seriousness of this issue. Plantar fasciitis travels with it's friend - Excruciating Pain - sometimes as high as a 5 or 6 on the pain scale (roughly between a cat scratching your leg and a really bad migraine). Even worse, the main course of treatment is rest - not something that I do well when the sun is shining and races abound.

Luckily there is a golden lining in plantar fasciitis - the affirmation I was desiring (yes - this is what I worry about these days). Something to prove my manhood. My running. My truly being a big fat fatty. Scientific proof that I was a Fat Man Running in the form of common causes of plantar fasciitis:

1. Active men (normally 40-70, but I'll take what I can get)
2. Running
3. Obesity

Some may argue that such proof may bring at least one of my questionable traits under further scrutiny, but I'm just happy that I now have hard evidence to fall upon when discussing my moniker of choice.

Positional Oddities

With Spring Training in full swing, it is safe to say that the doldrums of winter are quickly coming to an end and the world will soon be blessed with sun showers, park bench reading and glorious tank top/short shorts combinations that will render my knees useless.

This also means my transition into all things baseball is quickly underway. MLB.TV will quickly consume 3-6 hours of each night, sporting a Sox hat/iPod/phone on the subway will become a little more dangerous, and most importantly, a group of 12 man boys will argue about trivial baseball nonsense in my DC based APBA league.

Such an argument recently occurred with some interesting results. I'll not go in to details as they are incredibly inconsequential, but the end point was thus: on occasion, MLB players will be plopped in a spot that is completely unexpected. Some examples:

Position Players Often Pitch In Blow Outs

Wade Boggs was known to have a killer knuckleball and showed it off at least twice during his career. Jose Canseco actually required Tommy John surgery after pitching against the Sox in 1998. No less than five players completed this dubious feat in 2009. Needless to say, it's not uncommon but is entertaining.

Position Players Occasionally Get Plopped In A Weird Place

Albert Pujols has played in every non-battery position. Yes - even 2B and SS for a few innings due to a short bench. Three Nights in August also tells a great story of Pujols playing the outfield with a strict rule to never throw the ball due to an elbow injury. This is not a Pujols only category though. Every now and again Sox fans will see Youk roaming the outfield or Buchholz running around like a fool. Again, these aren't totally uncommon, but can lead to a good chuckle.

Pitchers Sometimes Wander Off The Mound

This is where the reading gets interesting and trivial meets trivia. Did you realize that Pedro once played third base? Or that Randy Johnson roamed around left field for a few pitches? Or better yet - you can actually rotate players between the mound and other positions? This article gives some great stories on pitchers playing in positions and situations. Well worth the read if you have 15 spare minutes.

Every Now and Then, The Rules Fly Out The Window

A 1946 Polo Grounds game has become famous for many generations of fans. While the entertainment value is there, the rules were completely disregarded, paving the way for debates over spitballs, sign stealing and steroid use. A full breakdown of the multiple infractions can be found in this lengthy, but very entertaining read.

Needless to say, these examples won't quell the minutiae driven arguments found in any semi-competitive, dice fueled league, but they are great fun to read about and have stored in the back of your head for future trivia.

A Place to Raise Your Spirits

A great man (namely, MiaManda's pretty awesome father) once told me:

"When you have money, it finds a way to disappear, but when you need it the most, it has a way of showing up."

Being that I can't help but over-think most topics, I've slowly been building a list of things that seem to ebb and flow at just the right times - money, tummy fat, sex, sanity, and a handful of life's other little pleasures and mysteries. The reasoning can be debated, but the fact can't - life is full of ups and downs beyond anyone's control.

So it was with great glee that I encountered possibly my 20 most entertaining minutes in NYC to date. A combination of "little things" so completely enjoyable and random that even this grinch smiled despite being on the tail end of way too many consecutive days of mundane work, bad take out, contempt for electronics and a generally Negative Nancy-esque attitude towards the technology industry.

Such a tale would be better off shown in the style of a Goodfella's bar stroll, alas my funds, acting inabilities and constant mumbling preclude that from my list of options. Instead, we'll have to go to the good ole' bullet point format that tends to pop up on this blog so often. So imagine, if you will, a grumpy me dressed in my finest hoodie, jeans, 3 year old sneakers and Sox cap strolling out of a generic NYC apartment building feeling like Bill Gates himself just gave me an 8-bit bitch slap of epic proportions:

• A random dude on the street sees the hat. I brace for a "Youk sucks" or "Wish you had A-Rod, don't cha?" or even a simple "27 baby!" Instead I'm pleasantly surprised with a "43 more days 'til spring training then it's on!" A man after my own heart - he reminds me that the early evenings and frigid temperatures will soon part as mits pop, tobacco gets chewed and girls feel comfortable in tank tops and short shorts. A fleeting grin passes my mug as there appears to be hope for a happier future.
  
  
• By the time the temporary enjoyment of such random camaraderie wears off, I'm standing on a subway platform. Luckily a purty l'il thang has decided I'm the least threatening homeless looking dude riding the 4-5 at that point in time and saddles up next to me to wait for a ride. Two things become very apparent within moments of her entering the corner of my eye:
  
  
1. Somewhere under her mini skirt this lovely lady has a wedgie of epic proportions. Between the squirming and shifting, my approximation would be that her lower intestine is being harassed by unwelcome satin.
   
   
2. Her parents stopped at being happy that she isn't working a pole. Apparently discretion, patience and being a lady were not taught in her home.
   
   
With little more than an ounce of hesitation, the girl decided to go for it. While I'm not full on staring, there is no doubt in my mind that my jaw hit the floor as a mini-skirt was lifted to expose a fishnet-bound 22 year old glute trapping some combination of lace and dental floss. I'm not one to complain, but such excitement often drives me deep into my soft, anti-social shell, and in this case onto another train with a facial expression that can only be described as a mixture of awe and confusion.


• Thinking that the night could get no more random, fate decided to throw one more piece of unexpected excitement my way - through the words of Robert Frost. A poem of such simplicity and thoughtfulness that anyone who has walked through a snowy forest after a long day must instantly have their spirits raised:

"The way a crow

Shook down on me

The dust of snow

From a hemlock tree

Has given my heart

A change of mood

And saved some part

Of a day I had rued."

-Dust of Snow

And with those three tiny, random events, an evening of whining and whimpering was turned into a 3 hour grin-fest. The moral of the story is thus:

• Guys - Randomly (and nicely) talk a stranger each day.
• Girls - Randomly flash guys. Even better - strike up a conversation with them.
• Geniuses - Write good stuff that can't be fully appreciated until it lands on a Jeopardy advertisement.

New Year's Eve in NYC: A Better Alternative

Anyone that has spoken to me for more than 12 seconds on the topic of NYC gets an instant dose of passionate (and often unprompted) opinions. First, it is the most amazing place in the world. Second, the taxes are horrible. Third, nestled in the middle of this wonderland is a place of such vulgarity, gaudiness and pinballesque existence that I've devised a list of tortuous activities I'd prefer over a jaunt to the capital of giant M&Ms and unoriginal show tunes.

Naturally, I was less than excited about potentially spending 9 hours on New Year's Eve adjacent to strangers sporting urine bags, ridiculous scarves and Nivea hats just to see 32,235 LED lights drop concurrently. So I was quite delighted to be informed by MiaManda about a healthier, more original and surprisingly entertaining event a mere 25 blocks north of Times Square - the Emerald Nuts Midnight Run.

To say this fun run was the perfect way for a lard-ridden man to start the new year would be an understatement. Among the many benefits are:

• Fireworks in Lieu of a Starting Gun - The display began directly over the starting line and lasted for much of the first mile. Even a bitter old man such as myself had to feel a little giddy.
  
• A Manageable Distance - 4 miles is a great distance. Long enough to get a decent workout, but short enough that even the moderately in shape can run it.
  
• Great Costumes - The Tetris blocks won the costume competition this year, but the full squad of TMNT, the Snuggie patrol and multiple 80s-themed sorority girls gave them a run for the money.
• On Lookers - The streets of Central Park were lined with supporters blaring music, giving high fives and providing plenty of encouragement. I'm not sure who let the old dogs out, but they turned the fun run into a FUN RUN!
  
• Pure Hotness - This one may get me in trouble with the girl, but it is worth mentioning. There were multiple naughty Mrs. Claus costumes, runner chicks in spandex and one can only assume numerous unmentionable thoughts running through other participants' heads. For those more impressed by testosterone, shirtless, moob-less men abound.

Unfortunately, my normal team of trainers, photographers, groupies and handlers decided that activities such as drinking and working were preferable to standing in a dark, cold, snowy Central Park to catch a glimpse of me waddling for 15-20 seconds, so decent pictures are currently non-existent. But please take my word on this one - if you ever plan on spending New Year's Eve in NYC, skip the ball dropping and take a 40 minute jaunt around the park.