Positional Oddities

With Spring Training in full swing, it is safe to say that the doldrums of winter are quickly coming to an end and the world will soon be blessed with sun showers, park bench reading and glorious tank top/short shorts combinations that will render my knees useless.

This also means my transition into all things baseball is quickly underway. MLB.TV will quickly consume 3-6 hours of each night, sporting a Sox hat/iPod/phone on the subway will become a little more dangerous, and most importantly, a group of 12 man boys will argue about trivial baseball nonsense in my DC based APBA league.

Such an argument recently occurred with some interesting results. I'll not go in to details as they are incredibly inconsequential, but the end point was thus: on occasion, MLB players will be plopped in a spot that is completely unexpected. Some examples:

Position Players Often Pitch In Blow Outs

Wade Boggs was known to have a killer knuckleball and showed it off at least twice during his career. Jose Canseco actually required Tommy John surgery after pitching against the Sox in 1998. No less than five players completed this dubious feat in 2009. Needless to say, it's not uncommon but is entertaining.

Position Players Occasionally Get Plopped In A Weird Place

Albert Pujols has played in every non-battery position. Yes - even 2B and SS for a few innings due to a short bench. Three Nights in August also tells a great story of Pujols playing the outfield with a strict rule to never throw the ball due to an elbow injury. This is not a Pujols only category though. Every now and again Sox fans will see Youk roaming the outfield or Buchholz running around like a fool. Again, these aren't totally uncommon, but can lead to a good chuckle.

Pitchers Sometimes Wander Off The Mound

This is where the reading gets interesting and trivial meets trivia. Did you realize that Pedro once played third base? Or that Randy Johnson roamed around left field for a few pitches? Or better yet - you can actually rotate players between the mound and other positions? This article gives some great stories on pitchers playing in positions and situations. Well worth the read if you have 15 spare minutes.

Every Now and Then, The Rules Fly Out The Window

A 1946 Polo Grounds game has become famous for many generations of fans. While the entertainment value is there, the rules were completely disregarded, paving the way for debates over spitballs, sign stealing and steroid use. A full breakdown of the multiple infractions can be found in this lengthy, but very entertaining read.

Needless to say, these examples won't quell the minutiae driven arguments found in any semi-competitive, dice fueled league, but they are great fun to read about and have stored in the back of your head for future trivia.

A Place to Raise Your Spirits

A great man (namely, MiaManda's pretty awesome father) once told me:

"When you have money, it finds a way to disappear, but when you need it the most, it has a way of showing up."

Being that I can't help but over-think most topics, I've slowly been building a list of things that seem to ebb and flow at just the right times - money, tummy fat, sex, sanity, and a handful of life's other little pleasures and mysteries. The reasoning can be debated, but the fact can't - life is full of ups and downs beyond anyone's control.

So it was with great glee that I encountered possibly my 20 most entertaining minutes in NYC to date. A combination of "little things" so completely enjoyable and random that even this grinch smiled despite being on the tail end of way too many consecutive days of mundane work, bad take out, contempt for electronics and a generally Negative Nancy-esque attitude towards the technology industry.

Such a tale would be better off shown in the style of a Goodfella's bar stroll, alas my funds, acting inabilities and constant mumbling preclude that from my list of options. Instead, we'll have to go to the good ole' bullet point format that tends to pop up on this blog so often. So imagine, if you will, a grumpy me dressed in my finest hoodie, jeans, 3 year old sneakers and Sox cap strolling out of a generic NYC apartment building feeling like Bill Gates himself just gave me an 8-bit bitch slap of epic proportions:

• A random dude on the street sees the hat. I brace for a "Youk sucks" or "Wish you had A-Rod, don't cha?" or even a simple "27 baby!" Instead I'm pleasantly surprised with a "43 more days 'til spring training then it's on!" A man after my own heart - he reminds me that the early evenings and frigid temperatures will soon part as mits pop, tobacco gets chewed and girls feel comfortable in tank tops and short shorts. A fleeting grin passes my mug as there appears to be hope for a happier future.
  
  
• By the time the temporary enjoyment of such random camaraderie wears off, I'm standing on a subway platform. Luckily a purty l'il thang has decided I'm the least threatening homeless looking dude riding the 4-5 at that point in time and saddles up next to me to wait for a ride. Two things become very apparent within moments of her entering the corner of my eye:
  
  
1. Somewhere under her mini skirt this lovely lady has a wedgie of epic proportions. Between the squirming and shifting, my approximation would be that her lower intestine is being harassed by unwelcome satin.
   
   
2. Her parents stopped at being happy that she isn't working a pole. Apparently discretion, patience and being a lady were not taught in her home.
   
   
With little more than an ounce of hesitation, the girl decided to go for it. While I'm not full on staring, there is no doubt in my mind that my jaw hit the floor as a mini-skirt was lifted to expose a fishnet-bound 22 year old glute trapping some combination of lace and dental floss. I'm not one to complain, but such excitement often drives me deep into my soft, anti-social shell, and in this case onto another train with a facial expression that can only be described as a mixture of awe and confusion.


• Thinking that the night could get no more random, fate decided to throw one more piece of unexpected excitement my way - through the words of Robert Frost. A poem of such simplicity and thoughtfulness that anyone who has walked through a snowy forest after a long day must instantly have their spirits raised:

"The way a crow

Shook down on me

The dust of snow

From a hemlock tree

Has given my heart

A change of mood

And saved some part

Of a day I had rued."

-Dust of Snow

And with those three tiny, random events, an evening of whining and whimpering was turned into a 3 hour grin-fest. The moral of the story is thus:

• Guys - Randomly (and nicely) talk a stranger each day.
• Girls - Randomly flash guys. Even better - strike up a conversation with them.
• Geniuses - Write good stuff that can't be fully appreciated until it lands on a Jeopardy advertisement.

New Year's Eve in NYC: A Better Alternative

Anyone that has spoken to me for more than 12 seconds on the topic of NYC gets an instant dose of passionate (and often unprompted) opinions. First, it is the most amazing place in the world. Second, the taxes are horrible. Third, nestled in the middle of this wonderland is a place of such vulgarity, gaudiness and pinballesque existence that I've devised a list of tortuous activities I'd prefer over a jaunt to the capital of giant M&Ms and unoriginal show tunes.

Naturally, I was less than excited about potentially spending 9 hours on New Year's Eve adjacent to strangers sporting urine bags, ridiculous scarves and Nivea hats just to see 32,235 LED lights drop concurrently. So I was quite delighted to be informed by MiaManda about a healthier, more original and surprisingly entertaining event a mere 25 blocks north of Times Square - the Emerald Nuts Midnight Run.

To say this fun run was the perfect way for a lard-ridden man to start the new year would be an understatement. Among the many benefits are:

• Fireworks in Lieu of a Starting Gun - The display began directly over the starting line and lasted for much of the first mile. Even a bitter old man such as myself had to feel a little giddy.
  
• A Manageable Distance - 4 miles is a great distance. Long enough to get a decent workout, but short enough that even the moderately in shape can run it.
  
• Great Costumes - The Tetris blocks won the costume competition this year, but the full squad of TMNT, the Snuggie patrol and multiple 80s-themed sorority girls gave them a run for the money.
• On Lookers - The streets of Central Park were lined with supporters blaring music, giving high fives and providing plenty of encouragement. I'm not sure who let the old dogs out, but they turned the fun run into a FUN RUN!
  
• Pure Hotness - This one may get me in trouble with the girl, but it is worth mentioning. There were multiple naughty Mrs. Claus costumes, runner chicks in spandex and one can only assume numerous unmentionable thoughts running through other participants' heads. For those more impressed by testosterone, shirtless, moob-less men abound.

Unfortunately, my normal team of trainers, photographers, groupies and handlers decided that activities such as drinking and working were preferable to standing in a dark, cold, snowy Central Park to catch a glimpse of me waddling for 15-20 seconds, so decent pictures are currently non-existent. But please take my word on this one - if you ever plan on spending New Year's Eve in NYC, skip the ball dropping and take a 40 minute jaunt around the park.

Happy Holidays From Central Maine

I'm often asked, "Chadwik66, how does a discerning individual such as yourself spend the winter holidays?" The common assumptions usually include some combination of fine art, heated fireside chats about postmodernism, decades old scotch and caroling in authentic 18th century garb. While such activities would not be unlike me, I usually prefer to let my hair down around the holidays and really let loose.

First, every holiday season should be spent with family. After all, if it weren't for them, none of us would have to a legit reason to drink away a week of torment on New Year's Eve. I spent most of Christmas day with my brothers this year.

Second, everyone should fully enjoy any gifts they receive. I was fortunate to receive some great L.L. Bean duds this year as well as a sweet Big Game Hunter game for Wii. Needless to say, the combination of a corduroy blazer (with leather elbow patches!), a scarf and a Wii gun can really bring out a man's inner beast.

Third, everyone should enjoy the local celebrations and decorations. The Freeport L. L. Bean Flagship store has a great tree, as does the South Street Seaport in NYC. Both also have frequent carolers, concerts and events during the holiday season.






















Finally, I truly enjoy having a drink or two and "going wild". For the 2009 holidays, this involved an accidental visit to NYC's #1 Gay Club, entering a "Stud Search" and walking away with $200 in cold hard cash. While I'm not about to make this an annual thing, I would recommend everyone partake in such events once in their lives for a good laugh (and great story!)
I thoroughly enjoyed the Christmas season this year. I hope everyone else enjoyed Christmas, Hanukkah, Festivus, Kwanzaa or whatever consumer driven holidays you celebrate this time of year!

A Gratuitous Plug

I'll keep this one short and sweet. My good buddy Tim is a cook. Not just a cook, but a chef - and a damn good one at that. He actually rolls his own pasta by hand, knows where to find fresh zucchini buds and goat's milk at a moment's notice and prepared a full meal for his own 150 person wedding.

Being that I love to eat, drink and be merry, I dive head first into his mounds of delicious Italian goodness whenever I get a chance. Luckily for the good folks of Southern Maine, Tim and his wonderful wife have started Ancora Pasta:

"A family-run business that prides itself on producing fresh, dried, and frozen artisanal pasta the way it has been for centuries: by hand."

If you have a chance, stop by il pettine ed il ferretto or one of the many farmer's markets they attend and treat yourself to some of the best pasta this side of Italy.

Cool by Proxy

Until recently, my biggest claims to fame have been:

1. Shooting around in college with future NBA and NFL players
   
2. Having a cousin who is married to the sister of the chick from Happy Gilmore
   
3. Riding the bench on a championship high school basketball team (shockingly enough, the internet did not capture this proud moment from over a decade ago)
   

Needless to say, my brushes with fame are few and far between. Until now. With much pride I can now claim being directly involved in back-to-back dinners that featured the epitome and antithesis of total awesomeness. Unfortunately, I play the antithesis to Lance-freakin'-Armstrong's epitome in this little ditty.

The story goes like this: A good buddy of mine from UNC (Go Heels!) happens to be a damn good cellist. After graduation he spent several years with Big Blue before giving up the glorious life of tech consulting for the world of rock cello. He bounced around for a few years before The Avett Brothers decided to gobble up his skills and throw him on the tour bus. Ultimately, it was the best move he ever made as they are now getting critical acclaim, bookings on Letterman and invites to Lance Armstrong's house for dinner.

You read that right - dinner at Lance Armstrong's house. Gnarly, I know.

Unfortunately for Mr. Joe, the Texas stay was short lived as the band had to get to NYC for a Jimmy Fallon taping. Don't you hate when that happens?

Needless to say, once he arrived we met up for some great Korean food and a stroll to Bryant Park for people watching. We had a blast, but there is no doubt in my mind that everyone at the dinner table was pondering how one person can go from Lance Armstrong to me (or any Holmes for that matter) in just 24 short hours. I dare ye to identify a faster fall from grace.

If nothing else, I can now claim just 2 degrees of separation from the greatest athlete of our time and an immediate upgrade in coolness by way of an old college buddy's success.

Now for some good ole' fashion North Carolina folk-rock:

An Introvert's Guide To NYC

After several visits by family and friends to the new habitat, I've realized that coming to NYC without a minimal amount of planning can be disastrous. It is as easy to be in bed by 8pm wondering why anyone would want to live in this hellhole as it is to be out until 2am laughing at (or with) dainty men wearing nothing more than daisy dukes and a bit of blush.

In order to help future visitors plan a great time that falls somewhere between "bitter old man" and "exploring cardinal curiosities", I present the following list of activities for consideration.

For The Glutton In You...

Stage Door (33rd & 8th)
Want a great breakfast with generous portions at a decent price anytime of day? If you're anywhere near Penn Station, the Stage Door is your place. The desserts and sandwiches are great too.
Added bonus: Their website appears to be straight out of 1995!

Pho 32 & Shabu (2 West 32nd St - Near the corner of 32nd & 5th)
Believe it or not, fine Asian dining is not limited to strip malls in Central Maine. Explore the delicious world of Pho (think chicken noodle soup with a tastier twist) while those with less exotic tastes grab a Vermicelli Bowl.

Max Brenner (Broadway between 13th & 14th - Just south of Union Square)
A restaurant dedicated entirely to chocolate: Chocolate Pizzas. Chocolate Fondue. Spicy Chocolate Fajitas. A word of caution - the lines are long for a reason. Aim for a mid-afternoon snack to cut down on the wait (but not the weight).

To Lighten Those Purse Strings...

5th Ave/Madison Ave (5th/Madison Aves between 49th and 59th)
What better way to remember that your $100 credit card limit can buy little more than a tissue in some parts of the world? A walk down 5th and Madison Aves is shiny, trendy and entertaining but makes you wonder who has that kind of money. Spend 30 minutes window shopping and jotting down the designs you like then head to...

Chinatown (Canal St)
Want one of those ugly brown Louis Vuitton bags for less than $600? Maybe a $12 cashmere scarf? Canal Street in Chinatown is the place to go. Don't be afraid to haggle as discounts can be gotten with minimal effort.
A word to the wise: Avoid electronics and stick to clothing/accessories.

To Increase Your Courage...

Heartland Brewery (Times Square, Union Square, South St Seaport and Various Other Locations)
Want a way to guarantee a blubbery runner stumbles out of your establishment once a week? Deliver a delicious pumpkin brew (2nd only to Shipyard) for several months a year. Want to ensure his patronage for the other 9 months each year? Offer concoctions combining home brewed beers with hard cider or lemonade and a variety of tasty appetizers. Well worth visiting any of their 6 Manhattan locations.

Luxor Lounge (118 Macdougal St - Near 6th & Bleecker)
At first sight, hookah is more than a little suspect. It comes in a water pipe, surrounds you in smoke and relaxes you nearly immediately. With a little investigation, you soon realize the lack of tobacco and fruity smells are as enticing as they are legal. Add cute, friendly bartenders and a likely audience with the world's friendliest Canadian and you have the beginnings of an enjoyable evening.
Caution: Luxor Cafe is only a few doors down. Equally as entertaining, but a much smaller bar.

Duplex (61 Christopher St - Near Christopher & 7th)
The pianist plays in a lingerie and blush (at least on Halloween). The bartenders belt out show tunes between rounds and all walks of life are welcome. Booze + Pianos + Show Tunes = Instant fun. If you're a homophobe, 20 minutes here will change your mind (don't worry, it's not contagious).

To Get All Intellectual And What-Not...

The Moth (Various Locations)
I must admit - I have yet to actually go to a live Moth show. I am a loyal listener to the weekly podcasts though and imagine the audience to be the quintessential image of an NPR party. For some great stories and good laughs on the smarter end of the scale, a Moth show is the place to go.

The Strand (Broadway between 12th & 13th - Just south of Union Square)
The Strand boasts over 18 miles of books, many at greatly discounted prices. One can literally wander around, mouth agape, for hours before even knowing where to start in the place non-naughty librarians dream about at night.
Interesting note: I am starting a rumor that this is where intellectuals can go to find dates. Please feel free to spread this rumor so one of my good friend's has a chance to procreate.

For Some Relatively Smog Free Air

Central Park (North of 59th between 5th & 8th)
Central park is an oasis in the hustle and bustle of city life. It is entirely possible to go for a jog without hearing a horn honk or an f-bomb dropped. It is rumored that carriage rides are quite nice, as are the dozen of miles of running trails and dedicated walk/bike lanes around the park.
Jogger's Note: A full lap around the outermost park trails is almost exactly 10k. A great runner's guide of the park is available here.

Brooklyn/Manhattan Bridge Loop (Financial District/Chinatown/Brooklyn)
One of the great benefits of living in the Financial District is the proximity to both bike paths and bridges to run. The Brooklyn and Manhattan bridge loop combines both of those for a safe, fun, awe-inspiring 5 mile jog.

The High Line (Various West Side Locations Between 10th & 11th)
The High Line is a set of old elevated freight rails running over the west side of the city that has been turned into a park for enjoyment of the greater good. The odd feeling of standing in grass while cars zip by 15 feet below takes a few seconds to get used to.
Interesting Tidbit: The Standard Hotel is perched alongside the High Line around 13th St. It is rumored that this is the place where exhibitionists go to see and be seen.

Finally, To Indulge Your Inner Tourist...

South Street Seaport (Less than 1/2 mile from the Brooklyn Bridge)
The South Street Seaport is the ultimate tourist trap. The restaurants are incredibly safe and average. The shops are overpriced but appealing. The sights (Bodies) are priced just right and worth the visit. Overall, it is well worth the visit.
Fun Fact: I live 3 minutes from the Seaport. If you are down this way, drop me a line and we'll meet up.

Rockefeller Center (49th & Rockefeller Plaza)
If you live for SNL and Thursday night comedies on NBC like I do, Rockefeller Center is your ultimate people watching spot. In the past year I've had two brushes with fame here - I was interviewed by a Japanese news station and also saw Tina Fey taping 30 Rock. The former was just plain awkward and the latter will allow me to die happy.
Quiet Time: At night Rockefeller Center is very lit up but not very active. This makes it an ideal reading spot on a warm evening.

The Intrepid (46th & 12th)
The Intrepid Sea, Air & Space Museum includes a retired battleship, submarine and concorde that you can freely walk around at your own pace. The battleship deck has a varied collection of helicopters, spy planes and fighter jets on display and provides one place in this world where it's somewhat acceptable for a 30 year old to make chopper and machine gun sounds.
Cheapskate Hint: The Intrepid is free with a Bank of America credit card during the first weekend of each month.


Of course, what would a post like this be without a google maps inclusion? All hail the geniuses in Mountain View...

View An Introvert's Map of NYC in a larger map

Added Bonus: One Place to Avoid At All Costs...

Times Square
Anyone that has been in NYC for more than 2 minutes realizes that Times Square is the worst place on earth. It is overpriced, crawling with idiot tourists and the sole reason that people believe NYC is a horrible place. The only acceptable reason for visiting Times Square is due to a wrong turn out of a theater. If for some reason you must enter this den of misery, avoid entering any store fronts - the M&M store might look cool, but you will become a human pinball within seconds of entering.