Day 21: The Grandest of Canyons

Last I reported in with my ever insulting fan base, I had driven nearly 800 uneventful miles across the Mojave desert in the middle of the night. The journey left me at a KOA just an hour short of the Grand Canyon with high hopes of an equally grand day.

The morn began with a quick tour of Williams, AZ through which the fabled Route 66 (where it is rumored you can get your kicks) runs through. The most amazing thing about Williams is how genuine the locals are - these are real cowboys at their best. I felt like I was at a denim, spur and 10 gallon hat convention. There was a rodeo. Everyone walked around with their thumbs in their belt loops. The men actually tipped their hats when ladies passed by. It was like my trip to Six Gun City when I was a wee lad, but with a higher temperature and a lower BMI.

After a delicious breakfast at the Pine Country Restaurant, I was ready to really start the day. Much to my chagrin, I soon learned that I was entering the park at noon on a Sunday (I'd kinda lost track of what day it was at this point) along with nearly every other vacationer in the world. Overall this was a very positive day, so I don't want to harp too much on my hatred towards the irritating people that make up about 90% of our population, but I figure I can squeeze a couple comments in:

• No, it's not horrible that you have to walk almost 200 yards to actually see the canyon.
• Also, your child probably shouldn't be chasing that king sized snickers with a 10 piece Kit-Kat.
• Really, it is ok to not push me while I'm in line for the bathroom.
• And finally, a 6 mile hike should not be done in a skirt and flip flops.

Now that my negativity towards tourists is out of the way (I'm one of the tolerable ones for the record), I can actually report on the Grand Canyon. This is one of the sights that was more impressive than I expected. It is wide. It is deep. It is colorful. It is hot. All in all, it is just amazing. In order to fully enjoy it in the few hours I had, I decided to hike part of the Bright Angel Trail (thanks for the tip Mom and Scott). This is an amazing trail that combines the beauty of the south rim with historic hieroglyphs and throws in a great workout to boot. I ended up going down to the 3 mile rest house and back (6 miles total) in a little over three hours. Other than donkey droppings here and there, it was an entirely enjoyable trip.

Once I triumphantly reached the trail head I decided to get ahead on my driving and head to Zion for the night.

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The desert drive was much like the others - boring, fast and uneventful. Luckily, the fuzz weren't out and I was able to get to Zion just before sunset. If this park is described as breathtaking in the day time, I have no idea how to describe it at sunset. The orange rock faces turn pink, the sky turns orange and nature seems to be working together to say "Screw IMAX, we got it all right here." The drive through the park took me about an hour, during which "Damn", "Jeezuz" and "Holy <insert your favorite naughty word here>" were uttered numerous times. As I've said before, the pics just can't do it justice, but I've posted a few anyway.

As the night grew old, I finally crashed at one of the Zion campgrounds. Unfortunately, the park doesn't provide showers and it was too dark to take a dip in the river. Added to the fact that I thought the lines were too long at the Grand Canyon to get a shower, and it goes without saying that I was very ripe. Some advice - if you ever find yourself in this position, just sleep in your Under Armour. Otherwise the odor brought about by a 3 hour hike in triple digit temperatures will escape, leading children to vomit, vultures to circle, and stoners to ask "What is that smell"?

Next stop in my travels: Denver

Day 20: Castro and Driving

Despite my friend Robert's best effort, my final day in San Francisco was less than eventful. Even with a visit to the Castro district I was unable to come up with a good story to end the second leg of my travels. (This may be one time that I am thankful for such a bland day).

After that stroll and a thorough APBA ass whooping, I was off to Williams, AZ in preparation for the Grand Canyon.

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I could go into detail of zipping through the Mojave Desert at high rates of speed, but three sentences should just about cover it: "I went fast. I nearly dirtied my Wonder Woman Underoos. I'm still alive."

So in order to keep you entertained, here is another Q&A session (and some completely unrelated pictures):

Why aren't you posting as often?
What can I say - I live an exciting life. Between rolling dice, viewing computers that are 40 years old and riding on ferries, I just can't seem to find the time. Actually - the trip back is in a shorter time span and there aren't as many campgrounds with internet access. I've actually gone a whole 2 days with no internet at one point - Egads! Don't worry - the days are being chronicled and will be posted soon. Until then, the few privileged with the knowledge of my phone number can call to get updates.

A man of such great masculinity and pure sexuality must require companionship on the road. How have you been fulfilling your manly desires?
Whoever asked this question knows me all too well. What can I say - some men have to carry greater burdens than others, and this is the life that has been chosen for me. I've become partial to interstate rest areas and the occasional truck stop - mostly because it costs me less than the brothels. Plus the post-coital bliss is intensified by the rounded bellies of big rig drivers.
(NOTE: If you've never met me - please read this again with the greatest sarcasm possible. If you're thinking of employing me and stumbled upon this blog - I guess I made that decision easy for you. Good luck filling the position.)

Is it lonely traveling alone?
Traveling with Scotty, Janine and Moose was awesome. They are among the few beings on this planet that have any tolerance for extended periods of time in my presence (and vice versa). I do miss the walkie-talkie conversations and discussions on the origin of life, globalization and flatulence, but am coping well without them. Luckily I have made some GREAT changes to the schedule that have left me too excited to be lonely - check back soon for details (If you are an English teacher, this could be used for your discussion on foreshadowing - it could also get you early retirement.) Seriously though - no, it's not that bad.

How's the facial hair going?
You be the judge (and be more Paula than Simon...)

Did you go to the original Starbucks?
I tried to go to the one in Pike Place Market, which I believe is the original. The line was literally out the door with people looking like they hate the Starbucks stereotypes and just happened to stop by that one. I figured one more irritated jackass was unnecessary so I went and grabbed some gelatto instead.

Is your dating life that bad that you're mother is pimping you out in the comments of your blog?
I wish I could say no...

What's it like?/You think I should do it?/Are you enjoying it?

• It's like what it sounds like - something different everyday followed by lots of driving. The stories are as good as you're willing to make them - it's a lot easier to ignore a German lady straddling you than it is to make light of the situation.
  
• If you like having no real plans, eating up your savings at a good rate (don't worry - I'm nowhere close to broke - I still have a few McDonald's coupons left), showering in locker rooms, living in a constant state of sweat and just not giving a sh*t, then it might be for you. This is a much larger conversation.
  
• And yes, I'm having a decent time. It will only get better in the coming days.