Fun in Horsham

Despite my best efforts, I've been unable to avoid the blogosphere for more than a couple weeks. Add to the fact that my many fans (many can be defined as more than 2, right?) have asked, nay, DEMANDED more posts, and everyone's favorite blogger is right back on track. How about we do this one Q&A style...

Dwight (of Dwight and Carol) writes: "I'm an old man and my days have been devoid of joy since you've stopped posting. Please, share some of your day-to-day exploits and help me make it to my 73rd year."

Well Dwight, what can I say. I just finished a 28 day road trip which I chased with an immediate jump back into the world of software security. Now, don't be jealous, it's not as glamorous as it seems - it's all hack this and break that, but not a whole lot more. Other than that, I've been filling my time with various pursuits of love, miracle cures, continued travels and the ever continuing research of my next auto to replace the trusty Saab.

"Wait", you may say. "Love? Miracle cures? More travels! NOT THE SAAB! Screw the Q&A - go into more details."

I'm not one to deprive my fans, so let's go at this one list style...

Pursuits Of Love?

Alright, lets not get ahead of ourselves on this one. Love is a wee bit strong, but I was somehow able to metaphorically club a lovely lady over the head and drag her home. My escape from the gorilla like clutches of singledom are no doubt due to a combination of my boyish good looks, awkward yet amusing mumblings, eloquent nature of speaking, and of course, this very blog.

Add to the fact that this is yet another 22 year old (I keep getting older, but they stay the same age!), and life isn't all that bad. At this point, I'm obliged to make three statements:

1. Sorry mom - I swear I was trying for an older one.
2. Sorry Mia Manda. Not sure for what yet, but I figure I should just throw it out there.
3. Sorry to everyone else - No naked photos to share. Yet.

I'll save the tales of romantic exploits for future posts, direct-to-VHS videos and family gatherings. Feel free to wonder aloud how I pulled this one off (and how far away she'll move once she comes to her senses...)

Ok, even a blind dog finds a bone sometimes. But what is this talk of miracle cures?

Upon returning to my humble abode (please note the irritated sarcasm on this one), I found my front door covered in monstrous weeds. Unfortunately, I decided that I should get my annual dose of manual labor in and started pulling like a three year old in need of a potty.

Now, in life, there are certain things that select groups of people can usually identify. Fat people always know when a golden corral is nearby. Pervs can usually find an adult superstore in less than 3 minutes on a Saturday evening. Frat boys can find a passed out sorority girl in mere seconds, and techies can find a Micro Center in a micro second (I know, lame). Unfortunately, I know of at least one person who should know what Poison Ivy looks like, but after 28 summers has yet to learn.

I'll not go into the details of puss drenched paper towels, hotel rooms covered in peeling skin, visits to urgent care and steroids that will not make me buff, but do want to share a couple little secrets. There are two products on the market that help remove urushiol from skin and speed the healing. They are called Tecnu Extreme and Zanfel. While they weren't a miracle cure for me, they did stop the oozing a few days early - just in time for me to visit Horsham and Toronto...

Toronto! Horsham? Do tell...

In the glamorous life of consulting, there are many travel opportunities. "Wow!" most people think "I'd love to travel!" Hey, so would I - to New York, Chicago, London, Paris - hell I'd even settle for Norway in the summer.

Unfortunately, I've spent months of my life in Montgomery, AL, Mechanicsburg, PA, Columbus, OH and now Horsham, PA. I shouldn't complain, but there is only such much to love about a Candlewood Suites with an over-amorous neighbor (the room is only home to one person - I asked), a recliner with a 3 inch hole to prove that, yes, they are in fact stuffed with real cotton, and remnants of the last 12 guests who showered in (and around) my bathroom.

Luckily, my stay in Horsham was extended by a day, therefore shortening my weekend visit to Toronto to see the Sox play. Now, my boss was cool about it, and my travel mates didn't seem to mind too much, but having to choose sitting in Horsham writing a blog over an extra night of Canadian stripper boobies in my face was not an easy decision. I guess I'll at least save a buck or two this way and hopefully make a few of you laugh.

And finally, the Saab...

It's a great car. The turbo is new, the seats comfortable, and the gas mileage great. But as another New England winter slowly creeps up on us and my disposable income taps on my shoulder, I've begun my search for a replacement. I really have no idea which way I want to go with this, so feel free to throw out a suggestion or two. Just remember that All Wheel Drive or Four Wheel Drive are required, I am cheap, and I'd prefer something that conveys my elevated level of masculinity.

And that is how I spend my life when I'm not driving around the country. I'll try to liven it up a bit, but can't make too many promises.

Until next time...

Day 20: Castro and Driving

Despite my friend Robert's best effort, my final day in San Francisco was less than eventful. Even with a visit to the Castro district I was unable to come up with a good story to end the second leg of my travels. (This may be one time that I am thankful for such a bland day).

After that stroll and a thorough APBA ass whooping, I was off to Williams, AZ in preparation for the Grand Canyon.

View Larger Map

I could go into detail of zipping through the Mojave Desert at high rates of speed, but three sentences should just about cover it: "I went fast. I nearly dirtied my Wonder Woman Underoos. I'm still alive."

So in order to keep you entertained, here is another Q&A session (and some completely unrelated pictures):

Why aren't you posting as often?
What can I say - I live an exciting life. Between rolling dice, viewing computers that are 40 years old and riding on ferries, I just can't seem to find the time. Actually - the trip back is in a shorter time span and there aren't as many campgrounds with internet access. I've actually gone a whole 2 days with no internet at one point - Egads! Don't worry - the days are being chronicled and will be posted soon. Until then, the few privileged with the knowledge of my phone number can call to get updates.

A man of such great masculinity and pure sexuality must require companionship on the road. How have you been fulfilling your manly desires?
Whoever asked this question knows me all too well. What can I say - some men have to carry greater burdens than others, and this is the life that has been chosen for me. I've become partial to interstate rest areas and the occasional truck stop - mostly because it costs me less than the brothels. Plus the post-coital bliss is intensified by the rounded bellies of big rig drivers.
(NOTE: If you've never met me - please read this again with the greatest sarcasm possible. If you're thinking of employing me and stumbled upon this blog - I guess I made that decision easy for you. Good luck filling the position.)

Is it lonely traveling alone?
Traveling with Scotty, Janine and Moose was awesome. They are among the few beings on this planet that have any tolerance for extended periods of time in my presence (and vice versa). I do miss the walkie-talkie conversations and discussions on the origin of life, globalization and flatulence, but am coping well without them. Luckily I have made some GREAT changes to the schedule that have left me too excited to be lonely - check back soon for details (If you are an English teacher, this could be used for your discussion on foreshadowing - it could also get you early retirement.) Seriously though - no, it's not that bad.

How's the facial hair going?
You be the judge (and be more Paula than Simon...)

Did you go to the original Starbucks?
I tried to go to the one in Pike Place Market, which I believe is the original. The line was literally out the door with people looking like they hate the Starbucks stereotypes and just happened to stop by that one. I figured one more irritated jackass was unnecessary so I went and grabbed some gelatto instead.

Is your dating life that bad that you're mother is pimping you out in the comments of your blog?
I wish I could say no...

What's it like?/You think I should do it?/Are you enjoying it?

• It's like what it sounds like - something different everyday followed by lots of driving. The stories are as good as you're willing to make them - it's a lot easier to ignore a German lady straddling you than it is to make light of the situation.
  
• If you like having no real plans, eating up your savings at a good rate (don't worry - I'm nowhere close to broke - I still have a few McDonald's coupons left), showering in locker rooms, living in a constant state of sweat and just not giving a sh*t, then it might be for you. This is a much larger conversation.
  
• And yes, I'm having a decent time. It will only get better in the coming days.

Days 13: No internet!!! - Q and As

I'm probably stuck in a ferry somewhere between Metlakatla and Vancouver, so I figured I'll throw a little Q and A your way...

1. My Mom
You guys seem to love her. She rocks (that should about fill my quota of good stuff to get all my Christmas presents this year). The fact that she confused Colbert (as in Steven) with Cobalt (the old school programming language) is damn impressive. The feats of teaching 3 aerobics classes a day, working with people of all ages to help them live a healthier life and doing it for next to nothing is unheard of. She bugs the hell out of my brother's and I, but everyone else loves her to death. What can I say - there could be much worse, but not much better (that should get me an extra LL Bean gift card in December). And for the record - her fiancee is a damn saint for putting up with her.

2. My grooming habits
You guys asked, so I'll show and tell. I haven't cut the mop top in a while, and I don't plan to anytime soon. There are no girls in the picture to strongly suggest that I should and work doesn't really require it. I also haven't shaved for a while, so here is the overall effect:

I haven't come this close to looking homeless since the night a certain friend locked me out of his apartment and I had to sleep with the Boston street people for 30 minutes or so.

Don't worry - I'm still flossing, brushing, gargling, clipping and trimming. And I make sure my "If you are reading this, we both have some big problems" tramp stamp is nice and clean every morning.

3. The "Day 8: Help Me Colbert - You're My Only Hope" geek references
One is a reference to Stephen Colbert's campaign against bears. The quote itself is a reference to the message that Princess Leia sends to Obi Wan in "Star Wars" - "Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi; you're my only hope."

4. "I will sleep with your girlfriend so bears don't eat the dog"
This was more a solution to a real life logic problem than anything. Here are the hints:

• All sites can have one car and two tents, or two cars and one tent, but not two cars and two tents
  
• All dogs must be kept in cars so bears don't smell them
  
• Bears could well eat dogs they smell
  
• Someone should be in the car with the dog
  
• The dog is too excited to sleep when my bro's girlfriend is around

See - totally innocent, but well worth repeating.

5. Mount Holmes
Hell - if that is a command to the FGOCs, then I'm all for it. In fact, maybe I should start selling "I hope to be a Future Gal of Chad" t-shirts, visors and panties. I'm just happy to have a mountain named after someone that might be a very distant relative.

I'll be back in the continental US soon enough, so look for another post soon. And I'll soon be able to text and phone again once I am back. So if you've missed hearing from me, I'll make sure you don't feel that way much longer in just a few days.