Fun in Horsham

Despite my best efforts, I've been unable to avoid the blogosphere for more than a couple weeks. Add to the fact that my many fans (many can be defined as more than 2, right?) have asked, nay, DEMANDED more posts, and everyone's favorite blogger is right back on track. How about we do this one Q&A style...

Dwight (of Dwight and Carol) writes: "I'm an old man and my days have been devoid of joy since you've stopped posting. Please, share some of your day-to-day exploits and help me make it to my 73rd year."

Well Dwight, what can I say. I just finished a 28 day road trip which I chased with an immediate jump back into the world of software security. Now, don't be jealous, it's not as glamorous as it seems - it's all hack this and break that, but not a whole lot more. Other than that, I've been filling my time with various pursuits of love, miracle cures, continued travels and the ever continuing research of my next auto to replace the trusty Saab.

"Wait", you may say. "Love? Miracle cures? More travels! NOT THE SAAB! Screw the Q&A - go into more details."

I'm not one to deprive my fans, so let's go at this one list style...

Pursuits Of Love?

Alright, lets not get ahead of ourselves on this one. Love is a wee bit strong, but I was somehow able to metaphorically club a lovely lady over the head and drag her home. My escape from the gorilla like clutches of singledom are no doubt due to a combination of my boyish good looks, awkward yet amusing mumblings, eloquent nature of speaking, and of course, this very blog.

Add to the fact that this is yet another 22 year old (I keep getting older, but they stay the same age!), and life isn't all that bad. At this point, I'm obliged to make three statements:

1. Sorry mom - I swear I was trying for an older one.
2. Sorry Mia Manda. Not sure for what yet, but I figure I should just throw it out there.
3. Sorry to everyone else - No naked photos to share. Yet.

I'll save the tales of romantic exploits for future posts, direct-to-VHS videos and family gatherings. Feel free to wonder aloud how I pulled this one off (and how far away she'll move once she comes to her senses...)

Ok, even a blind dog finds a bone sometimes. But what is this talk of miracle cures?

Upon returning to my humble abode (please note the irritated sarcasm on this one), I found my front door covered in monstrous weeds. Unfortunately, I decided that I should get my annual dose of manual labor in and started pulling like a three year old in need of a potty.

Now, in life, there are certain things that select groups of people can usually identify. Fat people always know when a golden corral is nearby. Pervs can usually find an adult superstore in less than 3 minutes on a Saturday evening. Frat boys can find a passed out sorority girl in mere seconds, and techies can find a Micro Center in a micro second (I know, lame). Unfortunately, I know of at least one person who should know what Poison Ivy looks like, but after 28 summers has yet to learn.

I'll not go into the details of puss drenched paper towels, hotel rooms covered in peeling skin, visits to urgent care and steroids that will not make me buff, but do want to share a couple little secrets. There are two products on the market that help remove urushiol from skin and speed the healing. They are called Tecnu Extreme and Zanfel. While they weren't a miracle cure for me, they did stop the oozing a few days early - just in time for me to visit Horsham and Toronto...

Toronto! Horsham? Do tell...

In the glamorous life of consulting, there are many travel opportunities. "Wow!" most people think "I'd love to travel!" Hey, so would I - to New York, Chicago, London, Paris - hell I'd even settle for Norway in the summer.

Unfortunately, I've spent months of my life in Montgomery, AL, Mechanicsburg, PA, Columbus, OH and now Horsham, PA. I shouldn't complain, but there is only such much to love about a Candlewood Suites with an over-amorous neighbor (the room is only home to one person - I asked), a recliner with a 3 inch hole to prove that, yes, they are in fact stuffed with real cotton, and remnants of the last 12 guests who showered in (and around) my bathroom.

Luckily, my stay in Horsham was extended by a day, therefore shortening my weekend visit to Toronto to see the Sox play. Now, my boss was cool about it, and my travel mates didn't seem to mind too much, but having to choose sitting in Horsham writing a blog over an extra night of Canadian stripper boobies in my face was not an easy decision. I guess I'll at least save a buck or two this way and hopefully make a few of you laugh.

And finally, the Saab...

It's a great car. The turbo is new, the seats comfortable, and the gas mileage great. But as another New England winter slowly creeps up on us and my disposable income taps on my shoulder, I've begun my search for a replacement. I really have no idea which way I want to go with this, so feel free to throw out a suggestion or two. Just remember that All Wheel Drive or Four Wheel Drive are required, I am cheap, and I'd prefer something that conveys my elevated level of masculinity.

And that is how I spend my life when I'm not driving around the country. I'll try to liven it up a bit, but can't make too many promises.

Until next time...

Day 22: Filth, Flam, Filth

Filth is a strange thing. Most of us will go well out of our way to avoid it, but once it happens we realize it isn't the most horrible thing (unless of course you're around other, cleaner people). Filth (NSFW) is probably the best way to describe my 8 hour drive to Denver.

The day saw me rise at 6 am still encrusted in the sweat, dirt and disgustingness brought about by a 3 hour hike in the Grand Canyon. Due to excessive lines at the canyon showers and a complete lack of showers in Zion, my bedtime odor was less than desirable. Needless to say, my morning stench was breathtaking (not in the good way) and I was wishing for a washing. To complicate the situation, I arose 2 hours before all the shower facilities in nearby Springdale opened and ended up driving about a hundred miles to the nearest KOA that offered $10 showers.

In most cases, the problem would be solved. Not for this bumbling fool though. I had passed up an opportunity to wash my clothes while in San Francisco since I thought I had plenty - and for some articles I did. If I only wore around hiking socks and sweatshirts, I would have been fine (I strongly advise against picturing that image). Unfortunately, other essentials such as underwear, shorts and t-shirts were needed. The end result was a unwashed, unshaven, disheveled fool going through a pile of sweat and dirt stained clothes and smelling them to see which pair of boxers and shorts were the least dirty ("most clean" was the original wording here, but that would have wrongly implied some cleanliness). Luckily for all the campers, I was doing this about 10 feet from the all -you-can-eat pancake breakfast, so all in all, I ruined about a dozen people's morning and still smelt of a baby's diaper. Not a bad couple of accomplishments before 9am.

Once my uncleanliness debacle was complete, I shot on up to I-70 for the 9 hour drive to Denver.

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Since this drive took up the majority of my day, I figured I should go into a little more detail about my Saab. This thing is a beast - it's going strong with 107,000 miles on it. It has great leather seats that I ripped from my brother's beater. The gas gauge doesn't work, only about half of the pixels displaying the time and radio station do (I always know how far past the hour it is, but not necessarily the hour itself), and at least one of the air conditioning fans is falling out of the casing. Overall, it's a pretty sweet ride. Of course, when you take a trip that has covered roughly 8,000 miles up to this point, even this classy auto is bound to get messy. I'll let the pictures do the talking:

The Front Seats

The Back Seat:

The Trunk:

As I approached Denver, I started looking for a place to do laundry. Then I spotted it. No, not the "Super Duper Watch Naked Coeds Wash Your Clothes For Free Laundromat". Nope, I spotted Coors Field, home of the Colorado Rockies. Needless to say, I had a dilemma - do I go another day without clean clothes, or do I miss the Rockies/Nats game?

It turned out to be one of the simpler choices I've ever made. Even though I ended up wearing the same underwear for 3 straight days and only lasted 4 innings at the game, it was a great time. The stadium is beautiful, security was super nice when they "randomly" searched me because I apparently fit some kind of profile, the beer was cheap ($5 for a Blue Moon) and the fans were somewhat knowledgeable of the game. Overall it was a great time and well worth stinking for another day or two.

After a few innings of Little League level ball (the Nats are THAT bad), I jumped back in the Saab and, ignoring the conventional wisdom, drove east. The Limon, CO KOA was nice enough to host me for a long 6 hours before I headed towards my next destination: Kansas City (and 2 Sox games!!!)

Day 17: Driving Down the 101 (Part 2)

I started writing this vacation blog for 3 reasons:

1. Reading past travel journals is always fun for me.
2. It helps in retelling the same story over and over.
3. My memory for relevant events (such as the answer to the question of "What did you do for 30 days?") is nearly non existent.

After reading the original post for this day, the third reason above was plainly obvious. Not only was it short and very boring, but it missed nearly every event that went on during the day:

Cliff Climbing in the Morning

Now, I don't want to make this sound like I was solo climbing shear vertical surfaces. These were simply some sandy cliffs that were on the edge of the beach, but they were sandy and steep enough to give me a good hour long workout. Climbing is always a blast because it gives me a reason to travel on all fours like my primitive cousins. Also, most people are too lazy to climb, so I don't have to listen to the other idiot tourists debate the quality of Wendy's over McDonald's while I try to relax.

More Massive Trees

These redwoods are huge. Luckily, every town has a salesman that is trying to attract tourists, so there are places to stop where you can drive through a tree, see a full house made of a tree, eat next to a tree, or set a tree on fire. I only got to experience one of these, with somewhat unappealing results...

Being a Good Samaritan Doesn't Always Pay

There are some things in life you just don't see very often, but when you do, you know something is wrong. Sometimes it is a person with a blue face or a car turned upside down. I never even considered this sight though: Stoners running as fast as their legs would take them with no frisbees to be seen floating through the air. The reason became clear almost immediately: There was a redwood tree stump on fire and their stuff was very near by.

Being the good, upstanding guy that I am (and still a little bitter from the fires that canceled my trip to Yosemite) I decided to stop and try to dump a few bottles worth of water on the flames. After a minute or two of pouring and refilling in a nearby brook, firefighters showed up to save the day and sent us all on our way. Luckily, karma decided to give me a good kick in the crotch while I was trying (poorly, mind you) to be a hero. Another good Samaritan decided that he should park next to my car. Unfortunately, his definition of "next to" was "where the Saab's bumper used to be before he hit it".

What can I say - if this is the worst auto trouble I have this trip, I am a lucky man. No one was hurt, the damage was minor, and the forest is not on fire. I really can't ask for much more.

Finding a Campground

Up until this point, finding a campground has been pretty easy. I've been sleeping hundreds of miles away from anything remotely resembling civilization, so I've had my choice of places to set up my blue floral tent (thanks for that one mom - the girls really dig it). Unfortunately once you get near San Francisco, the campgrounds become more sparse and a little more work is required. One little hint though - always check for campgrounds in the town 10 miles away before you try to drive 2 hours out of the way. Usually you just waste two hours of your life (as I did) although the driving is beautiful.

Ultimately I ended up using GOOG-411 to find the Cloverdale, CA KOA. It was a bit more expensive, but I did get a powered site with running water, free internet and an attendant that gave me a tour of the place on a golf cart in the middle of the night. Don't think that going over a 3 foot drop that you don't see in one of those babies isn't a good time.

So despite a car accident and a two hour detour, it was a nice, relaxing day of driving.


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Up next - Silicon Valley (think processors, not implants)