Day 13: Part 1 - The Wait List

So I'm finally off the boats after nearly 3 full days of travel and did not manage to change clothes or take a shower in that time. I know, yummy.

Luckily, such a stretch is full of entertainment to share. So without further ado, here is part 1 of my journey back to the mainland:

Imagine this scene, if you will. You've just stumbled off a ferry on which you slept in an uneasy 220 pound ball for most of the night. You're going on day 3 of the same pants and sweatshirt (although your Superman underoos are clean). You are on a race against time to catch the next boat where your name teeters on the top of the stand-by list.

You sprint in to a room full of haggard strangers looking as miserable as the pre-dawn hour will allow. And they're all staring. This is not a funny stare, like "Uh-oh, Chad's on beer #5. He's gonna break out that primal form of defense he calls dancing. Someone please get him a shot so he can't stand up." And it's not a pathetic stare you receive from a classroom of peers when called upon in the middle of a day dream. No, this is a hateful stare. One that can only mean that "Mr. Holmes" has been paged numerous times, to the point where they rue the name.

In symphony, three people ask if you, are in fact, Mr. Holmes. The one on the wait list? With a car to bring aboard? The stares grow more hateful. A cold breeze has filled the room, making you think that Lord Voldemort may in fact be real. What is the best way to handle this? Well, if you're me, you throw on a huge, stubble surrounded smile, put your right hand in the air and greet one and all with a big "Howdy everybody, that's me".

And it worked. Apparently, everyone loves a smart ass at 5am. People laughed. Even the biggest curmudgeons (aka BC Ferries ticket agents) cracked a smile. Maybe it's my boyish good looks, maybe it's the gap filled smile, or maybe a little friendliness (even in semi-mockery) is contagious.

So as my 3 days of ferry travel come to an end, and my driving adventures return to their rambling nature, do me a favor. Throw on a smile. Compliment someone. Smile at that cutie in the hall and make eye contact. Maybe even send some naked pictures to someone that would enjoy them. Meanwhile, I'm gonna try and get in some trouble that you guys can enjoy.

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And as always, here are some photos and a map for your enjoyment.

The smaller carbon-based beings tucked in Big Blue


I figure touring a former whore house might turn my luck with the ladies around. Check out the flowers - they are old silk condoms. Yeah, I'm sure those worked great.

A view of the Ketchikan's Creek Street

Up next - Part 2 - I Just Want to Sleep...!

Day 13: Part 2 - I Just Want To Sleep!

Last we left our pudgy hero, he was waving, grinning and making British Columbians smile (they smuggle herring, not nose candy like normal Columbians)...

As you may imagine, riding ferries for three straight days can be tiring. You're sleeping options are either chairs that are less comfortable than a hot sauce enema, dining room tables, or multi-colored carpets smelling of sawdust and lysol. Luckily for me, the final leg of this travel arrived at 11pm and required a 5 hour drive to the next destination, so I had the opportunity to try all three.

Please do enjoy the hijinks that ensued:

The Chairs

I have to give it up to BC Ferries on this one. The chairs were actually quite nice and comfortable, relatively speaking of course. Unfortunately the surroundings weren't as palatable. Where do you usually find reclining leather chairs? Right - in a movie theater. And where do you usually find the diaper clad leaders of tomorrow on epic voyages such as this? Right - in front of the only tv on the ship.

Between the crying, gagging, coughing, threats, pleads and occasional odd smell, it is impossible to sleep with imprisoned children nearby. I honestly have no idea how Nicholas the Shepard and Stephen of Cloyes were able to lead the Children's Crusade. I don't care if the big man upstairs walked along side me as I led them, I'd probably still try to find a cliff to lead them over while He was tending to His other duties.

Dining Room Tables

These were actually a pretty good option. The chairs are passable, the tables bolted down, and most of the other patrons were playing cards or eating, so the noise was minimal. After just a few pages of Nickel and Dimed (NOTE: I would only recommend this to certain people - for some it will be an eye opener, while others would scoff at it), I was out like a light. By my estimation I got nearly 2 full hours of sleep.

Now the sleeping wasn't the issue here, it was the way in which I was awoken. If you are in a slumber comparable to Yogi and Boo Boo's on Valentine's day, there are very few things that will wake you up. I now know that 4 teenagers clad in white kitchen aprons and braces frantically shaking you can be added to the list.

And when such an occasion arises, what may be the first thing you'd want to hear? Maybe, "You were having a nightmare, so we woke you" or "Here have some cake", but certainly not, "OH MY GOD WE THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD!!! WE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO". Add to that the fact that all the surrounding tables were clad in spotless white table clothes to match the aprons, and I didn't have a clue if I was in purgatory or the Alaskan Panhandle.

The Carpet

In case you didn't read my previous entry (and how dare you!), I had not washed or changed clothes for nearly three days at this point in my travels. It's not that I am a slob (though I am), but there were just no facilities for me to use. Because of this, I had worked up a nice stench representing a combination of freshly dug earth, chicken manure and my own personal scent - Eau d'Fat Man Running.

While the others on the ship may have been aromatically offended, I had come to quite enjoy my contribution to the vessel. It was with great pride that I laid upon a floor which I could claim to be the smelliest object despite stains that hinted of contenders for the title. With my head propped on my sleeping bag and my sweatshirt used as a makeshift blanket, I was out for what I assumed would be the duration of the trip.

One thing I've yet to mention in this post is the make up of my travel companions. I had assumed they would be a bunch of locals, but to my surprise, they were not. Instead, they were a clan of tall, broad shouldered, blond haired, blue eyed Germans, their children and their meager husbands.

Now Germans are known for the ability to withhold emotion and take all events in stride. Unless, of course, whales are involved, in which case all bets are off. It was during one of these Aryan stampedes that I awoke to find a frantic elderly Fraulein attempting to spot the humpbacked mammal. This would have been fine if she'd not been standing directly over my head, a heel adjacent to either ear.

I do have to admit that it could have been worse. She apparently anticipated a chilly day and had dressed accordingly, leaving her skirt packed away. I can only imagine the resulting trauma had this been a tropical cruise.

The result of such sleep deprivation and lack of green tea, coffee or red bull left me in a most curious state. Luckily, a food service employee saw that I was in a weird state and struck up a conversation:

Employee: "Did you see the whale?"
A Groggy Me: "Yeaaahhh. They are BIIIIGGGG."
Employee: "I know, but there are small ones too."
A Groggy Me: "Really? That would be cool to see a small one and a big one."
Employee: "Yeah - the small ones are usually the baby whales."
My Internal Monologue: "Shite, even the food service guy thinks I'm SPECIAL".

At that point I excused myself and silently wept for the duration of the trip through the Inside Passage.


You'll be glad to know that the 5 hour drive was completed successfully (and uneventfully) which led to my arrival in Vancouver at 8 am (after one last, short ferry ride).

Next - Day 14: Ewoks, Olympics and Custom Searches

Day 11: A Day on the Boats

Alright, so here's the deal. I rode two ferries for over 8 hours today. Before the comments are overridden with questions pulled directly from the gutter, let me give a few answers:

• No, I'm not sore
  
• In fact, I did enter from the rear of the ship, and somewhat towards the bottom
  
• The motion of the ocean didn't do much for me, but the size of one of the ships was quite impressive

If those answers don't satiate you're appetite for poorly veiled homoerotic references, feel free to ask away. Just try to keep the questions original. Comments like "Ha! Ferry - you're gay! Where ya going next, a gay strip club with gay naked gay dudes dancing gayly?" are boring, horribly unoriginal and are the grammatical equivalent of my typical first (and usually only) date with soon to be former members of FGOCs.

The first 3 hours of today's itinerary consisted of Big Blue being loaded to the hilt and waiting in line to board the boat while I sat in the lobby preparing for a big day of, well, more sitting.

Once we were all aboard, we were off on a 6 hour journey from Prince Rupert, AB to Ketchikan, AK. There were some amazing views along this journey including:

My brother and his girlfriend posing in front of Ketchikan, AK

A cruse ship being crushed, "Kids in the Hall" Style

Snow capped mountains overlooking ocean front homes

And my brother posing with what appears to be a homeless man

After a quick turnaround, we jumped right on a ferry to Metlakatla, AK - the new home to two of the best teachers that Maine has to offer and their pet Moose.

After an hour long jaunt around Annette Island, we finally tracked down some lodging the cleverly named "Tuck 'Em Inn"

Amazingly enough, the accommodations were as cozy as the name would have you believe. The furniture was comfortable, the tv large and the internet slow. All in all, I couldn't complain.

I'm also happy to give two-tid bits that would fall in the miscellaneous category (because everything else is so logical and well laid out):

1. Disappearances by Howard Frank Mosher is a great read. I was turned on to Mosher by his book Waiting for Teddy Williams which is even better and a must read for New England baseball fans (not about that Ted Williams though).
   
2. My brain-to-mouth filter is starting to fail again. Driving around a very small island sarcastically yelling "There's another good trailer for ya" with the windows down is not smooth. Telling someone that you hardly know over the phone that you are finally wearing clean underwear again after a trip to the laundromat is just plain stupid.

Off tomorrow to help everyone find a place to live, then lots more time on the boats. I wonder how people will react to an unshaven, disheveled man watching Superbad on his MacBook. Please send bail money if you don't hear from me soon...