Day 13: Part 1 - The Wait List

So I'm finally off the boats after nearly 3 full days of travel and did not manage to change clothes or take a shower in that time. I know, yummy.

Luckily, such a stretch is full of entertainment to share. So without further ado, here is part 1 of my journey back to the mainland:

Imagine this scene, if you will. You've just stumbled off a ferry on which you slept in an uneasy 220 pound ball for most of the night. You're going on day 3 of the same pants and sweatshirt (although your Superman underoos are clean). You are on a race against time to catch the next boat where your name teeters on the top of the stand-by list.

You sprint in to a room full of haggard strangers looking as miserable as the pre-dawn hour will allow. And they're all staring. This is not a funny stare, like "Uh-oh, Chad's on beer #5. He's gonna break out that primal form of defense he calls dancing. Someone please get him a shot so he can't stand up." And it's not a pathetic stare you receive from a classroom of peers when called upon in the middle of a day dream. No, this is a hateful stare. One that can only mean that "Mr. Holmes" has been paged numerous times, to the point where they rue the name.

In symphony, three people ask if you, are in fact, Mr. Holmes. The one on the wait list? With a car to bring aboard? The stares grow more hateful. A cold breeze has filled the room, making you think that Lord Voldemort may in fact be real. What is the best way to handle this? Well, if you're me, you throw on a huge, stubble surrounded smile, put your right hand in the air and greet one and all with a big "Howdy everybody, that's me".

And it worked. Apparently, everyone loves a smart ass at 5am. People laughed. Even the biggest curmudgeons (aka BC Ferries ticket agents) cracked a smile. Maybe it's my boyish good looks, maybe it's the gap filled smile, or maybe a little friendliness (even in semi-mockery) is contagious.

So as my 3 days of ferry travel come to an end, and my driving adventures return to their rambling nature, do me a favor. Throw on a smile. Compliment someone. Smile at that cutie in the hall and make eye contact. Maybe even send some naked pictures to someone that would enjoy them. Meanwhile, I'm gonna try and get in some trouble that you guys can enjoy.

View Larger Map

And as always, here are some photos and a map for your enjoyment.

The smaller carbon-based beings tucked in Big Blue


I figure touring a former whore house might turn my luck with the ladies around. Check out the flowers - they are old silk condoms. Yeah, I'm sure those worked great.

A view of the Ketchikan's Creek Street

Up next - Part 2 - I Just Want to Sleep...!

Day 13: Part 2 - I Just Want To Sleep!

Last we left our pudgy hero, he was waving, grinning and making British Columbians smile (they smuggle herring, not nose candy like normal Columbians)...

As you may imagine, riding ferries for three straight days can be tiring. You're sleeping options are either chairs that are less comfortable than a hot sauce enema, dining room tables, or multi-colored carpets smelling of sawdust and lysol. Luckily for me, the final leg of this travel arrived at 11pm and required a 5 hour drive to the next destination, so I had the opportunity to try all three.

Please do enjoy the hijinks that ensued:

The Chairs

I have to give it up to BC Ferries on this one. The chairs were actually quite nice and comfortable, relatively speaking of course. Unfortunately the surroundings weren't as palatable. Where do you usually find reclining leather chairs? Right - in a movie theater. And where do you usually find the diaper clad leaders of tomorrow on epic voyages such as this? Right - in front of the only tv on the ship.

Between the crying, gagging, coughing, threats, pleads and occasional odd smell, it is impossible to sleep with imprisoned children nearby. I honestly have no idea how Nicholas the Shepard and Stephen of Cloyes were able to lead the Children's Crusade. I don't care if the big man upstairs walked along side me as I led them, I'd probably still try to find a cliff to lead them over while He was tending to His other duties.

Dining Room Tables

These were actually a pretty good option. The chairs are passable, the tables bolted down, and most of the other patrons were playing cards or eating, so the noise was minimal. After just a few pages of Nickel and Dimed (NOTE: I would only recommend this to certain people - for some it will be an eye opener, while others would scoff at it), I was out like a light. By my estimation I got nearly 2 full hours of sleep.

Now the sleeping wasn't the issue here, it was the way in which I was awoken. If you are in a slumber comparable to Yogi and Boo Boo's on Valentine's day, there are very few things that will wake you up. I now know that 4 teenagers clad in white kitchen aprons and braces frantically shaking you can be added to the list.

And when such an occasion arises, what may be the first thing you'd want to hear? Maybe, "You were having a nightmare, so we woke you" or "Here have some cake", but certainly not, "OH MY GOD WE THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD!!! WE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO". Add to that the fact that all the surrounding tables were clad in spotless white table clothes to match the aprons, and I didn't have a clue if I was in purgatory or the Alaskan Panhandle.

The Carpet

In case you didn't read my previous entry (and how dare you!), I had not washed or changed clothes for nearly three days at this point in my travels. It's not that I am a slob (though I am), but there were just no facilities for me to use. Because of this, I had worked up a nice stench representing a combination of freshly dug earth, chicken manure and my own personal scent - Eau d'Fat Man Running.

While the others on the ship may have been aromatically offended, I had come to quite enjoy my contribution to the vessel. It was with great pride that I laid upon a floor which I could claim to be the smelliest object despite stains that hinted of contenders for the title. With my head propped on my sleeping bag and my sweatshirt used as a makeshift blanket, I was out for what I assumed would be the duration of the trip.

One thing I've yet to mention in this post is the make up of my travel companions. I had assumed they would be a bunch of locals, but to my surprise, they were not. Instead, they were a clan of tall, broad shouldered, blond haired, blue eyed Germans, their children and their meager husbands.

Now Germans are known for the ability to withhold emotion and take all events in stride. Unless, of course, whales are involved, in which case all bets are off. It was during one of these Aryan stampedes that I awoke to find a frantic elderly Fraulein attempting to spot the humpbacked mammal. This would have been fine if she'd not been standing directly over my head, a heel adjacent to either ear.

I do have to admit that it could have been worse. She apparently anticipated a chilly day and had dressed accordingly, leaving her skirt packed away. I can only imagine the resulting trauma had this been a tropical cruise.

The result of such sleep deprivation and lack of green tea, coffee or red bull left me in a most curious state. Luckily, a food service employee saw that I was in a weird state and struck up a conversation:

Employee: "Did you see the whale?"
A Groggy Me: "Yeaaahhh. They are BIIIIGGGG."
Employee: "I know, but there are small ones too."
A Groggy Me: "Really? That would be cool to see a small one and a big one."
Employee: "Yeah - the small ones are usually the baby whales."
My Internal Monologue: "Shite, even the food service guy thinks I'm SPECIAL".

At that point I excused myself and silently wept for the duration of the trip through the Inside Passage.


You'll be glad to know that the 5 hour drive was completed successfully (and uneventfully) which led to my arrival in Vancouver at 8 am (after one last, short ferry ride).

Next - Day 14: Ewoks, Olympics and Custom Searches

Day 12: Top 10 Revelations

Timothy Austin from Portland, ME writes: "So I love a good Top 10 List every now and again...". What Timmy wants, Timmy gets, so here are the top 10 revelations that have occurred to me in the first leg of this trip.

1. Blogging is time consuming...

When I first thought of writing this blog, I assumed I'd just sit down and type out whatever is in my head. I did this a couple times without publishing it, and realized a few things:

• I have no idea how I'm a productive member of society. My neurons only seem to fire in the computer, math, boobies and sports section of my brain (not in that order). For the record, I'm only good with at most two of those subjects.
  
• My grammar is horrible. Speaking to me is like putting together a verbal jigsaw puzzle. Oooh - a simple noun/verb pairing, that might be the start of a sentence! Rewriting these thoughts so they are coherent takes a little more time than I expected.
  
• I now feel the burden of being a celebrity (this is sarcasm, not assholedness). Upwards of 40 people read the blog each day, probably more since the folks at SSF haven't conquered the art of sharing URLs and are content to print out the blog each day. I can't let my myriad fans be disappointed, so I'm trying to keep it at least a little entertaining.

2. ...But worth it

If I have to listen to one more person say how much fun Space Mountain is, or talk of the grandeur of the Cathedral of Notre Dame like they helped build it, or that the Mona Lisa was a disappointment, I might just puke. You're on vacation people, live it up. Would you rather have a journal that says
"Went to Disney today, rode the rides, nearly peed myself, had fun"
or one that says:
"Disney rocked today. Between rides I slapped Cinderella's ass, stole a fry from a fat kid, snuck into the employee only area and got a picture of me licking Pluto's face."
The blog forces me to record the memorable stuff and skip the obvious. Well worth it.

3. I am spoiled (Sorry, this one is a little serious)

I've met a ton of people over the last few days that made me realize how lucky I am. I'm young, healthy, usually the hottest person waking up in my bed each morning and make a decent living. Most importantly, I rediscovered friends and family after a few years of loving "stuff" too much. I've met a lot more people in cars packed with bags, animals and friends that are having a great time than those rolling around in spacious RVs towing Hummers (and often screaming children).

4. State/Country lines mean very little to a traveler

Every time I've crossed a state line, or even into Canada, I expected to feel different. Maybe a different smell in the air, or hear a different accent. At one point I even said, "Wow, that guys sounds like he has a Minnesotan accent even though we are 10 miles into South Dakota." The only thing these imaginary lines mean is that the sales tax is going to change, and usually the legal age of consent will too. Ultimately, they just don't mean a whole lot to travelers.

5. America is big

Seriously - in a matter of a week I saw 2 oceans, a couple great lakes, rolling hills, endless pine forests, jagged mountains, deserts and glacial ice sheets. The temperature has ranged from near freezing in British Columbia to nearly 100 in South Dakota. I've seen real cowboys, bison, whales and dolphins. And not once did I have to enter an airplane. All of that one the same continuous piece of land is amazing.

6. Long road trips are best taken with someone you can tell to "F*** Off"

I never would have made it through the first leg of this trip if I had to be polite and PC with everything I did. Sometimes things get frustrating and you need to be able to speak freely, even if you're wrong. If you're traveling with a stuck up ass-hat that loves to hold a grudge, you'll end up getting way too stressed (Seriously - TRUST ME on this one, I have a little experience here). Sometimes a good verbal slap fight is all you need to liven up a day.

7. You can sleep cheap

It's amazing how much money you can save if you drop $200 on camping equipment. I think the most expensive night for 3 people so far has been $40. KOAs in general are great - they have great showers, tolerable staff, skim the pool for turds daily and usually provide decent internet access. State parks have also been big winners so far.

8. You can travel cheap, if you have time and can defend yourself

I know, there is a huge gas crisis in our country, but I have still only spent about $500 to go 4,000+ miles. A flight for that distance runs in the $800 range. Greyhound would be even cheaper, but you'll have to deal with the people that ride greyhound - good luck. Even sleeping can be cheap if you don't mind the stained floor of a bus terminal. Believe me, sometimes sleeping with homeless people can be quite comfortable (especially if you've drank more than they have).

9. TV is overrated - but I'll still end up watching too much of it

It is amazing what you can do with the time in your life if you're not watching TV. I've completed 1 book, and am almost done with another. I've written a ton of blogs (the quality of which is still to be determined). And best of all, I've seen some amazing sites that few get to. Guess what though - I return in a little over two weeks and will fall right back into the same routine. Work all day, go for a jog or hit the gym, crash in front of the tv and skim eHarmony with limited luck. I don't like it, but it's what I do.

And if you dislike commercials now, go two weeks without seeing them and rewatch them. They are insane. Cell phone commercials with families going to nude beaches. Brendan Fraser still acting. Ads for the Seahawks season. Who really wants to watch that crap?

10. Ethanol kills gas mileage

I tried filling up on 10% ethanol gas a few times since it was cheaper. There was a reason - it dropped my gas mileage by 10-20% but only lowered the price by 2.5%. You might as well water down my fuel at that point. Maybe the flex cars are great, but I don't have one and probably won't soon, so warn dummies like me first.

And in honor of Scotty and Janine, who I just left in Metlakatla a few hours ago, let me introduce everyone to "Chaz Hands". This new form of celebration is saved for the most special of occasions when my alter ego breaks out and gets excited. Chaz hands must be experienced to truly be appreciated, but resemble "Jazz Hands" or "Happy Fingers". I believe Janine coined the term, but I very well could be wrong.

So to the two of you (and Moose) - it was a great trip and I had a blast. You're gonna rock Alaska's socks off.

Day 11: A Day on the Boats

Alright, so here's the deal. I rode two ferries for over 8 hours today. Before the comments are overridden with questions pulled directly from the gutter, let me give a few answers:

• No, I'm not sore
  
• In fact, I did enter from the rear of the ship, and somewhat towards the bottom
  
• The motion of the ocean didn't do much for me, but the size of one of the ships was quite impressive

If those answers don't satiate you're appetite for poorly veiled homoerotic references, feel free to ask away. Just try to keep the questions original. Comments like "Ha! Ferry - you're gay! Where ya going next, a gay strip club with gay naked gay dudes dancing gayly?" are boring, horribly unoriginal and are the grammatical equivalent of my typical first (and usually only) date with soon to be former members of FGOCs.

The first 3 hours of today's itinerary consisted of Big Blue being loaded to the hilt and waiting in line to board the boat while I sat in the lobby preparing for a big day of, well, more sitting.

Once we were all aboard, we were off on a 6 hour journey from Prince Rupert, AB to Ketchikan, AK. There were some amazing views along this journey including:

My brother and his girlfriend posing in front of Ketchikan, AK

A cruse ship being crushed, "Kids in the Hall" Style

Snow capped mountains overlooking ocean front homes

And my brother posing with what appears to be a homeless man

After a quick turnaround, we jumped right on a ferry to Metlakatla, AK - the new home to two of the best teachers that Maine has to offer and their pet Moose.

After an hour long jaunt around Annette Island, we finally tracked down some lodging the cleverly named "Tuck 'Em Inn"

Amazingly enough, the accommodations were as cozy as the name would have you believe. The furniture was comfortable, the tv large and the internet slow. All in all, I couldn't complain.

I'm also happy to give two-tid bits that would fall in the miscellaneous category (because everything else is so logical and well laid out):

1. Disappearances by Howard Frank Mosher is a great read. I was turned on to Mosher by his book Waiting for Teddy Williams which is even better and a must read for New England baseball fans (not about that Ted Williams though).
   
2. My brain-to-mouth filter is starting to fail again. Driving around a very small island sarcastically yelling "There's another good trailer for ya" with the windows down is not smooth. Telling someone that you hardly know over the phone that you are finally wearing clean underwear again after a trip to the laundromat is just plain stupid.

Off tomorrow to help everyone find a place to live, then lots more time on the boats. I wonder how people will react to an unshaven, disheveled man watching Superbad on his MacBook. Please send bail money if you don't hear from me soon...

Day 2: Catholic School Girls (this should get my hit count up!)

There is nothing quite like a red bull in the morning. Except maybe 2. Used to chase a latte. A really big latte. After a 4 mile run. And so was the start of Day 2. Despite the long Day 1 and a warm night in the tents, we were back on the road towards Alaska. (Side note: A friend pointed out that green tea is much healthier. I agree, but you try to stock green tea in a cooler meant for beer. Not easy.)


View Larger Map

An hour into the drive, we passed the Hall of Fame that you only thought couldn't exist. That's right - the Recreational Vehicle and Manufactured Housing Hall of Fame. Now, I may have an active imagination, but not even I could make this up. This is an actual 80,000 square foot space dedicated to celebrating "Affordable Housing". I just don't know what else to say - the site says it all.

Just down the road from that gem was South Bend, IN. The home of the College Football Hall of Fame. While I was unaware of this, it did not surprise me all that much. Of course, this was skipped due to time constraints in order to focus on a brief tour of the Notre Dame Campus.


All I can say is "Wow". An absolutely amazing campus. It is clean, the buildings are big and impressive, the history is well known. More importantly, the girls are old enough, repressed enough, smart enough and Catholic enough to make college a lot of fun. I would say that I will be sending my first born son here, but as my brother pointed out, that requires a mate to breed with, and, well, most of us know how that is going (maybe romantic thoughts like that are helping to hold me back...)



After a hair raising 2 hour stop on the Chicago "Express Highway" in which we traveled a total of 20 miles we zoomed west towards the KOA in Rochester, MN. If you are ever in need of such lodging in this beautiful area, I highly recommend the KOA. It has a pool, foosball table, clean bathrooms and WiFi. That's right - the same things that impress a 12 year old impress me. Add boobies to that previous sentence and I think you have it all.

All in all, a stressful, but productive day. 623 total miles in right around 11 hours despite the troubles in Chicago. The extra driving has paid off - we have already knocked a day from the trip which we are using to hike in the Badlands (where we are driving tomorrow). Mmmmmmm...

A couple side notes:
1. I am driving the Saab solo. My bro, his girlfriend and their dog are in the FJCruiser and leading the way. We communicate by walkie talkie to avoid dead spots in the cell coverage. Walkie Talkies are awesome ("Roger that", "ten-four", "over and out", "big dog" and "breaker breaker one nine" have been uttered roughly 723 times in two days.)

2. I know my HTML - I was just lazy. I'll try to remember to make the links pop up in new windows from now on. On that note - HTML is NOT A PROGRAMMING LANGUAGE - it is simply a markup language. If you ever speak with or interview someone who says "I program in HTML" punch them. Hard.

3. Feel free to leave comments - anonymous or otherwise. I'll try to respond to any requests. Also, feel free to share the blog with anyone who might enjoy it. I get quite a kick out of the life I lead, so I might as well share that with others.

Leg 1: Coast to Coast the Saab Way

While I've been trying to convince myself that a 10,000 mile jaunt can in fact be a laid back, relaxed, worry free venture, this may not entirely be the case. Between a bevy of pink, alcohol infused beverages this past weekend, my travel mates for leg 1 of this sure to be epic tail pulled me aside and got me to start doing some planning.

I've come up with a rough, 10 day outline that will get us from Skowhegan, ME, the home of Margaret Chase Smith, The Skowhegan State Fair and Guitar Hero Legend Chaz Holmes (no relation) to Metlakatla, AK, the home of...I'll get back to you on that one.

Here's a little breakdown of this part of the journey. Don't stop believing that it will be a blast. (See what I did there with the Journey reference. Yeah, I'm good.)

	Date	Start Location	End Location	Miles	Time	Notes
Day 0	Sunday, July 13	Skowhegan, ME	Pelham, NH	186	3:20
Day 1	Monday, July 14	Pelham, NH	Brockton, NY	516	8:38
Day 2	Tuesday, July 15	Brockton, NY	Portage, IN	449	7:33	Lunch at Notre Dame
Day 3	Wednesday, July 16	Portage, IN	Martin County, MN	504	8:32	There is literally NO reason to stop in Martin, except that we must sleep at some point. Sorry to the good folks of Martin (both of you) for my bluntness
Day 4	Thursday, July 17	Martin, MN	Badlands National Park, SD	392	6:19	Major National Park #1 AND Mt. Rushmore!
Day 5	Friday, July 18	Badlands National Park, SD	Yellowstone National Park, WY	590	11:14	I am trembling with anticipation for this stop. I think I just peed a little.
Day 6	Saturday, July 19	Yellowstone	Yellowstone	0	0	Hiking Day!!!
Day 7	Sunday, July 20	Yellowstone	Glacier National Park, MN	431	9:56
Day 8	Monday, July 21	Glacier National Park	Jasper, Alberta	440	9:54	This drive will go directly through Banff National Park of Canada. Starting to notice the theme yet?
Day 9/10	Tues/Wed, July 22/23	Jasper, Alberta	Prince Rupert, BC	679	13:09	Lots of mountains, moose and Canadians. Which pose the greatest threats?
Day 11	Thursday, July 24	Prince Rupert, BC	Metlakatla, AK	???	???	Ferry travel between the Southern Alaskan Islands

Total miles for this leg? Just short of 4,200. No, it is not the quickest route, but the views will be better than a spring day on the Chapel Hill quad.

Up next, "Leg 2: Salmon, Coffee and Sushi. America's Left Coast"

An Investor, A Writer and Some Ball Players Walk Into a Blog

Have you ever noticed how unbelievably tiny Alaska makes the rest of the United States seem? I'll be traveling with Scotty, Janine and Moose to an island off Ketchikan named Metlakatla. That is still over 1,000 miles south of Anchorage - the "real" part of Alaska people think of. Seward's Folly my ass - that man knew a good deal when he saw one. So much land, oil, opportunity and protection from the Commies - definitely the steal of that century.

My amazement with Alaska is inversely proportional to my interest in the Mid West. I know that Bill Bryson has a huge soft spot in his heart for Iowa and Warren Buffet loves his Omaha home base, but I can honestly find nothing that interests me.

Take a look at the glorious locations I'm planning to stop on this journey:


View Larger Map

Notice that HUGE hole in the middle with no blue markers? Yeah, that is the Mid West. Seriously, I've searched for things to do, and this is what I've come up with:

• Go to a Cardinal's Game


• Go to a Royal's Game

That's it. And one of those options isn't really all that appealing. I'd rather pay $4 to go to a Lowell Spinner's game than watch the Royals throw like Johnny Damon and hit like Jason Kendall. Maybe I'll just zoom across that 1,200 mile void where life ceases to exist after 8pm (9pm on Saturdays!) in a day and a half so I can focus more on the beautiful areas within a day's drive of an ocean.

Other than that huge hole, I think I have a pretty good route planned. Of course it will change, but that is one of the great benefits of Google Maps. Routes can be changed on a whim simply and quickly. 5 years ago we were stuck with the horrible interfaces, bad directions and awful color schemes provided by MapQuest and Yahoo! Maps. Now we have Google Maps with a slick interface, lots of add-ons (like personal maps, drag-and-drop driving directions, easy zoom, etc) and a great open API that anyone with a good idea and some decent programming chops can use to make a mash-up (check out housingmaps and gmap-pedometer if you never have).

Gone bye are the days of TripTicks from AAA, 4 different color hi-liters and a hand full of paper cuts. Welcome to the new Millennium where all I need is a MacBook with Google Earth and an internet connection (thanks Panera!). That's it. Fire it up, zoom on in and get directions. Brilliant!

Give 'er a Go

Ah, the world of blogging. The last barrier between my deep dark secrets being known to only a few and being cached by Google for many future generations to see. The place where new friends can learn of my past, old friends can learn of my present and potential dates can be quickly scared away. Ultimately, it may be my gateway to fame and fortune, or my kick to poverty and despair. Only time will tell.

In the future weeks I'll be documenting my upcoming drive to the southern islands of Alaska from the calm of New Hampshire, and the long road back. There will be some great pictures, maybe an interesting story or two, and a journal of a month long break that couldn't come soon enough.

Can I keep it interesting? Hopefully. Will other people find me as funny as I find myself? Probably not. Will I piss people off because I have no common sense or sense of privacy? Almost absolutely.

So sit back, subscribe, stalk and enjoy.

-Chad