An Open Letter to a Poor Customer Rep

Having sat through 10 hours of football only to see my fantasy championship slip away in the second half of the Cowboys/Skins game this evening, I found myself in a somewhat grumpy mood and in need of a distraction. Luckily an active twitter feed combined with a friend's online dating drama gave me plenty of targets to vent some frustration.

The long and short of it is this:

• The fried tried the Boston branch of a speed dating service called SpeedLADating (www.speedbostondating.com, twitter.com/SpeedLAdating)
• She didn't have a particularly enjoyable experience and provided feedback via Yelp at http://www.yelp.com/biz/speedla-dating-los-angeles-5
• Over eight (yes, EIGHT) months later, this friend received multiple condescending and negative tweets that could be the basis of a book named "Speed LA Dating: How NOT to Promote Your Company Through Social Media"

After a few minutes bouncing between Yelp and Twitter I couldn't help be a little more than ticked that a company focused on making people's lives fun and enjoyable, especially when collecting a fee, were actually being real wankers (they claim to be Brits, so I'll try to use their words now and then). Luckily, they list their full staff email addresses on their website at http://www.speedladating.com/index/chat, so writing an open letter to the whole company wasn't too difficult. For the enjoyment of my 3 remaining readers, here it is:

Subject: Dating is Hard - Good Customer Service Shouldn't Be

Speed Boston Dating Staff,

Let me first apologize for a mass email. It's admittedly a somewhat childish, but also effective way to make a point. 

If you aren't already aware, a somewhat negative but constructive Yelp review from a friend of mine (***Friend's Yelp Handle***) was not taken too well by someone from your staff - for all I know it may be the owner of the company. I'll let you guys do the digging, but the short version of the resulting exchanges are:

-Multiple insults to my friend on twitter

-Disclosure of her full name over twitter

-Many replies of that oh so endearing dry British condescension that we non-UK folk do so love

While I understand that everyone has a right to defend themselves and respond to criticism, you may all want to revisit your organization's approach. Dating can range from frustrating to fun, and if organizations like yours focus on the latter rather than the former you'll find much greater success. Publicly criticizing, mocking and exposing information about those that provide what appear to be very valid feedback, and doing so nearly 8 months after the fact neither put your organization in a positive light nor help differentiate you in what is a competitive market.

I'm hoping the poor excuse of a public face that runs your twitter account treats criticism better in the future, or they'll likely risk customers going very different routes in the near future.

I wish you all a Happy New Year and a better public face in the new year.

So what's my end game here? Simple...dating should be fun (more thoughts on this here, here and here). Some online services (www.okcupid.com in particular) seem to have figured this out and do a good job of making it so. Most folks that online or speed date want to have a good time, meet people and help give back to the community in some way. Having to deal with some bloody customer services twat (there are those Brit words again!) who is neither timely nor effective in her response should not factor into the equation in any way.

Observations of a London Street Rambler

As the past few days have been quick to remind me, the intent of my current stint overseas is in no way meant to tickle my fancy. The days have been long due to supporting a combination of efforts of which I can't seem to fully escape, meaning the rumored 3pm jaunts to local pubs are but a figment of my imagination.

Luckily, I've been able to pull myself away from a poor office internet connection, unreliable phone line and vacant apartment neighborhood to wander the streets of London in the evening. While much of the wandering has been quiet, a few incidences have sprung up worth sharing:

Early Evening Drunkards

I'm not sure what volume of alcohol would make anyone wander the streets at 7:30pm on a Monday screaming the following, but I one day hope to find out. This particular bloke (see, I'm learning the lingo) was as disheveled and aged as one would think. Among his highlights were:

"What the fuck is this? WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS!?"

"All because NO ONE KNOWS THE SCORE!"

"I could rob a bank with a bunch of FUCKING MONKEYS!"

It's important to note that there was neither an athletic competition, bank or zoo within several hundred yards, which only made the commentary more entertaining. Unfortunately I was unable to convince him to elaborate on the intended meanings of his messages.

Amazing Sights

London, as you might expect, has some amazing sights to be seen, especially in the evening. While the House of Parliament, Big Ben, Buckingham Palace and the like are picture worthy (unless you forget one of the 3 camera inclusive devices you brought along), wandering the streets solo on Valentine's Day leads to even better discoveries. Among them:

• A brand new Lamborghini in line behind a brand new Rolls Royce. I'm not a car guy, but I'm pretty sure both left me half erect.
• A list of things I'd prefer prison rape over: The London Eye, A Black Tie Chartered Boat Cruise with 250 Strangers, Seeing Men in Running Tights and Being One of the 3 Guys Holding a Bouquet of Flowers and Bitterly Drinking Directly from a Bottle of Wine While a Girl Wept Quietly Next to Them
• A "Woman of WWII" monument depicting the woman from behind in an incredibly unflattering way
• The 2012 Olympic's Logo Everywhere. Warning: Once you realize it looks like Lisa Simpson giving oral pleasures you can never unsee it (thanks yet again for spoiling my innocent mind Reddit!)

Ahhhh, Pubs!

As of this writing I had visited exactly one pub and had one beer along side a combination of chicken and curry. Pubs are tricky as it is difficult to tell those with some charm from those run by a major company and being just one step above TGI Fridays. Unfortunately this pub was as bland as the tikka it served, so I decided to spice things up a bit...by talking to a lady! In my defense, she was the only other solo one there, so it was more to fill the time than hit on her. Luckily, my smooth moves are still effective, so it only took 3 well placed comments to claim a full bench for myself:

• "Nice laptop, mind if I sit down?"
• "You're not from around here, are ya? Don't worry, I'm not as idiotic an American as you would think."
• "Oh, Lithuania? That's kind of like Russia, right?"

I can only say that I'm proud to have helped someone break a human powered land speed record.

The Girls

How could I travel to a foreign land without completely objectifying half of their population based solely on physical appearances and incredibly infrequent interactions? Based on what I've seen so far, the ladies of London are the most average women in the world - they are neither too big/small, hot/fugly, tall/short or scrawny/voluptuous - nearly every one is a solid 6! It likely doesn't help that they have nearly identical indistinct features of a girl I once took to expensive dinners while she banged other dudes courted unsuccessfully, but I've found not one that made my mouth water more than a brand new Rolls Royce.

All in all the trip is still entertaining and I plan on making at least a few alcohol related mistakes this weekend (think wrong turns and missed steps, not hookah bars and drag queens). London certainly is a great place for sight seeing and worth a visit or two, but not nearly as adventurous as the brutal weekday competitions of the NH Sport and Social Club that I'm used to.

A Man, His Thoughts, And A Boatload of Poorly Charged Electronics

So I'm a bad, bad blogger. I've gone almost a full year without posting, despite several very entertaining races (Yay Reach The Beach, Pineland Farms Trail Run and Cross dressing 5k/6 beer challenge), an incredibly entertaining summer of dating and more changes at work than I can remember. As a friend once told me - blogging is for those who fall in that gray area between too boring to write about and too active to actually write, and I seemed to have stumbled into the latter category for a stint.

The good news is, all of the above have been for the positive. The running is theoretically slimming, the dating theoretically enjoyable and work theoretically profitable. Even better - the profitable aspect (namely life at everyone's favorite AppSec company) has lead to an adventure where I'll be hopping across the pond for nearly a month in order to better support some co-workers.

It was during this first hop that I learned that not all international flights between first world countries have Wi-Fi, personal video monitors, power outlets or any form of entertainment not related to canceled NBC programming. Luckily, 7 hours in a confined, sleepless space can do wonders on a mind constantly in need of stimulation. Even more luckily for my 2-3 adoring fans, I decided to write down some of the wondrous thoughts formulated 7 miles over the Atlantic:

• Real portions sizes are great, especially if you've just ripped a large hole in the crotch of your cargo pants.
• Michael Lewis writes some great sports books, but his financial books are even better.
• Why the hell do I always forget Lewis is married to Tabitha Soren of MTV fame until I read his acknowledgments?
• The New "Footloose" movie! Um, no.
• Kenny Loggins stands the test of time.
• The new girl is great. I'm sure I'll pay for this gushing at some point.
• Tina Fey and Steve Martin should have a baby, if for no other reason than to ensure I have a lifetime of smart humor available to me.
• People that refer to themselves as enjoying smart humor are usually pretentious pricks.
• I'm pretty sure no one has ever said "Wow, I feel so much better now that I scarfed down that Otis Spunkmeyer baked good!"
• Finding a tour guide page titled "London's Best Curries" elicits the same wide eyes I used to show when given a yard long pixie stick.
• Muenster cheese - Awwww yeah!
• At least I can now blame the pee stains on my pants on the turbulence.

No, it's not the best written list, but it should get a chuckle or two. I'm hoping the coming weeks will end in lurid tales of mistaken identities, unknown alley ways and parts of London no American has ever experienced. More likely it will end in exhausting sight seeing, travel blogging and longing to no longer smell of curry when I sweat.

Old Writings, Same Me

While going through some ancient relics, I recently stumbled upon several items which can not be valued in any way known to man. Among the treasures were a High School Football Coach's Award (aka, "Good Hustle Fat Kid"), a couple letterman jackets and some photos that will bring pure joy for hours on end (take a look here and here). Even better I found some poems that I was required to write for my stoner 10th grade English teacher.

Normally such assignments are approached by teens with contempt and fear, but in rereading these nuggets of beauty, I'm now convinced in time travel. It is as if a 35 year old version of myself manipulated the laws of physics, sat down my 16 year old self and gave the following words of wisdom: "Self deprecation, smart-assery and a borderline condescending attitude will get you everything you want in life."

Luckily, my 16 year old self seems to have listened fully to the advice. The resulting 4 poems contain mockery of both myself and the assignment, to the point that the teacher had no choice but to give them a perfect score. If these aren't Fat Man Running v1.0, I don't know what is.

"Sehr Gut"

(Note: Shut up, I thought German was cool at the time)

I laugh out loud, everyone stares

I say something dumb, nobody cares

I ask out a girl, she wants to be friends

I'm not up to date with the newest trends

I got a new car, it goes really fast

Sometimes in sports, I'm the one that's picked last

Everyone knows about my huge family

UMass' center was Marcus Camby

My favorite expression is "What the heck?"

I am me, what do you expect

"No Glory"

(Aka, fat kids must be lineman)

You dig in the trenches and lift the big weights

You get sweaty and dirty and fall in positions glory boys hate

You look like a giant and feel like a fool

When you talk with a mouthpiece that makes you drool

You run a five-five forty without any sweat

It's the girls in your head that the coaches fret

You are a lineman, the best of positions

You wouldn't miss practice unless it's for fishin'

(One more note: This is obviously a generalization as I don't think I've ever willingly gone fishing)

"Why Now"

I sit on the bench all night long

Then go home and watch the movie King Kong

It's the same thing every Tuesday and Friday

It's up to the coach, playing time's his say

I go to school all day long and practice all night

Then me and Reg get in to small fights

I run and dribble and dive on the floor

But still check my pants when I finally score

I miss all the lay ups and knock down the treys

My work ethic is good and improves every day

Me and the bench, we are best of friends

My pre-game meal consists of two hens

What was that? Coach said my name?

"Get me some water" he says with a flame

It's finally a blow out, I get to go in!

But when I stand up, I fall without grin

I fall to the floor with a mighty crash

Because I have forgotten about my nasty jock strap rash

"Skowhegan"

This town sucks, it really does

There's nothing to do besides count navel fuzz

The only thing fun is watching TV

The whole town knows when you're taking a pee

You always get caught when you get drunk

I can't back up without hitting a tree trunk

If you lock you're doors, you're surely a fool

'Cause all the dumb thieves break in to the schools

The hospital here isn't that good

You could diagnose the problem better than they could

In short, this town sucks, it isn't that fun

Especially when you get a bad case of the runs

And for the record, there are about a thousand inside jokes above that make these "poems" much more enjoyable. Of course, my family still has their own private stash that they enjoy reciting over the phone when I get too mouthy...

Wait, First Dates Can Be Fun?

As anyone who has read more than 3 of my previous blog posts well knows, my romantic life tends to be just a couple small notches above a shitshow. Of course, this isn't the typical "trailer on fire, tires slashed, baby momma drama" shitshow, but instead an "awkward silence, foot in mouth, absolutely no connection" shitshow. After seeing clear evidence of this pattern yet again becoming prevalent in my life, I decided to treat the current round of dating more like a science experiment, which has garnered some interesting initial results.

(***Important Note***: This is not meant to be a gushing email about the lovely lady who accompanied me on the outing. She does seem like quite the catch, but a first date is only enough to eliminate a total dullard, not lock in my next subject of semi-obsession).

Experimental Details

The Theory: A straight-forward, no-nonsense, avoid-the-normal-dating-games attitude may actually work with sane, intelligent, ambitious-in-life girls.

The Experiment: Completely update my Match.com account to remove any doubt about what I want, who I am or what I look like. Skip the normal cutesy, joking or sensitive gunk and get right to the point. Ultimately, the profile has a picture of me as you'd find me on a Saturday night (unshaven, wearing a long sleeve t-shirt with geek glasses and celebrating with a three beer fueled smile) and two direct, one paragraph sections (available upon request):

• About Me
• About The Chick I want

Initial Results: An immediate increase in lovely ladies viewing my profile, sending me messages or winks (a virtual wink though, really?), and ultimately an incredibly enjoyable first date (keep reading to understand the definition of 'incredibly enjoyable'...)

Initial "Test" Subject/Activity Partner/Date
The initial test subject was one that had to really break the previous mold of partially intelligent, nearly mute, rarely laughing types of ladies that have tended to show up to the many Starbucks and Paneras in which I've sat uncomfortably throughout the years. I also narrowed the age range to someone within a couple years of myself and immediately eliminated anyone with:

• Rampant misspellings in their profile or emails
• References to how she'd really like to try a 5k/hike/some other simple activity
• Obvious non-compliance of my Mom's "Rule of Ass" (to be known as MROA from here on out)
• Signs of being a dullard - either borderline or completely
• Other completely arbitrary disqualifiers that changed depending on my mood, randiness and alcohol consumption at time of communication

Luckily a very intelligent, active, driven, engaging and attractive young lady tickled my fancy and a driving range outing was scheduled after a week or so of exchanging emails. (Again, this is not intended to gush about her, just set the stage and flatter her if she stumbles upon this post.)

The Outing

Seeing as how the change in attitude and approach was going so well, I continued with the same mindset. Rather than seeing this little meet up as an event in which I attempted to impress a girl with bad jokes, obscure references and long-winded tech babble (or "smart stuff, smart stuff, blah, blah, blah" as a certain cousin called it recently), I decided to treat it as a golf outing with a new activity partner. The difference was immediately noted:

• Limited Forced Conversation - The conversation started short and sweet with an obvious excuse to end awkward silence (namely, buckets of balls to smack) as needed. This limited the forced conversation and actually allowed for more entertaining discussions.
• Reminder of a Mutual Try Out - Every time I got a bit nervous, I remembered that this was a mutual try out - I was kicking her tires as much as she was kicking mine. For every bad joke I made, she whiffed at an unmoving ball. For every long, straight drive I had, she flashed even more intelligence or a great smile. It was like we both read the first 3 pages of "Alternative Flirting for Dummies" and alternated actions from the "Do's" and "Don'ts" lists.
• Display of True Nature - There is only one thing more infuriating than completely whiffing at a golf ball - a smart-ass, giggling fool who just smacked a ball 250 yards dropping a teasing insults every time you do. If there is ever an opportunity for a real attitude to show through, the first driving range session of the season with a complete stranger is the time.
• A Chance to "Check Out the Goods" (In a Non-Pervy Way) - Some may not want to admit it, but physical attraction plays a part in all relationships. The amount differs between individuals, but a first date is the first chance to gauge the level of attraction. Luckily I had gotten to the range early and found side-by-side hitting booths. By pure chance, I ended up in the booth behind her. Now, of course this wasn't planned, but it at least gave me an opportunity or two to check out her swing, posture, and of course make sure she fulfilled the MROA. For the record, she passed with flying colors.

The Aftermath

The driving range outing was actually quite a success. Not only did most of my game carry over from last season (this really isn't saying too much...), but we both seemed to have a blast. It took us nearly two hours to hit 60 balls each - much longer than it should have. The laughing and talking spilled over to a sushi bar where a fish filled boat the size of a Buick was presented as the standard dinner for two. After 3.5 hours, she had not managed to bore me at any point, and as far as I can tell, I rarely offended her. I'm not sure which of these tasks are more impressive, but they are mutually unusual.

The future is unknown and unpredictable (although if she stumbles upon this and previous posts, she may be a little taken aback by my seemingly non-sensical approach to dating), but this mini-experiment at least helped me realize that it is impossible (albeit difficult) to have an enjoyable first date. The key is just good company, fun times, some confidence and a small amount of booze and Red Bull about an hour beforehand.

Stay tuned for my likely next post - How to Blow a Great Opportunity By Posting Your First Date on the Internet.

Fantasy Dating

The Rambling Prologue

Portsmouth, NH may be a beautiful place 10 months of the year, but January and February can be absolute beasts - the days are short, the people are grumpy, the wind is frigid and outside of dodgeball, drinking and Black Ops marathons, there's just not a whole lot to do. Every year as despair begins to set in and one becomes more and more thankful for mandatory firearm waiting periods, Spring will bless the Seacoast with scattered 50 degree blasts of sunshine. The first of such days occurred last week, much to the joy of the community, and more entertainingly, to my mind which has decided to go from contentedness with 9pm bed times and Adam Sandler movies to the exact opposite end of the spectrum in searching for mates worthy of reproductive exploits.

Of course, the logistics of such searches are complicated and dangerous grounds that should not be tread upon lightly. Among the factors that must be considered are social awkwardness, a mother's requirements (specifically, a dress size no larger than a 12, or if the lovely lady is a wearer of man jeans, a waist of no larger than 31 inches), extra hesitant targets of admiration, manscaping and, of course, which t-shirt is more impressive ("I Shaved My Pubes for This?" narrowly edges out "Wine 'em, Dine 'em, Sixty-nine 'em" in almost every category).

Chazzy Gets His Groove Back

Luckily, friends can be more than willing to ruin their good names in an effort to live through a typical Fat Man Running dating experience. While the most recent (and honestly, only) one of these outings did not live up to normal levels of jackassery, there were a few highlights:

• An introduction of "Hi, I'm Chad and apologize for the rest of the evening in advance"
  
• Sharing 20 ounces of delicious Bud Lite with your friend's pants within 2 minutes of it being delivered
• Big Buck Hunter marathons at all you can eat sports bars
  
• A life recap of "My best relationship ended with the chick moving to Alaska and shacking up with another chick"
• Open and specific discussion of the above "Mom Big Butt Requirements"

The League

As these exploits were chuckle worthy, they certainly didn't entertain close friends and family members in a way they've come to expect. Because of this, it has been proposed that the dating issue must be forced in a way that can be considered both proactive and engaging at the same time. With this in mind and a common desire to restart the Fantasy Football season 6 months early, a hybrid set of Fantasy Dating rules has been proposed:

• 8 competitors (we'll call them "handlers") get access to the same online dating account with my information
  
• Each handler gets to log in twice a week and pick 2 girls to contact. These may not include fatties, dumbies, obvious dullards, or anyone that would make me audibly gasp upon first meeting (aka, "defects").
  
• Each handler will be allowed a maximum of 4 messages with each girl which must result in a face to face meeting or termination of contact
• Each handler will have one audible which they can use to terminate one of their relationships at any point for the greater good
• I will have audible veto power which can be overruled by a majority vote

The Scoring

Once contact has been initiated, scoring will occur in the following manner:

• Any date falling in the "defects" category: -5 points
  
• Disinterested date (texting/drifting/taking calls): -2 points
  
• Date taking "emergency out" call: -2 points/+2 points if handler is the one making the call
  
• Full coffee without exercising her emergency out option: +1 point
  
• Full outing: +2 points
  
• Sharing of saliva: +5 points
  
• Sharing of non-saliva fluids: +9 points (can include spilled/thrown beverages)
  
• Real adult relationship > 2 months: +15 points
  

The Payout

The 8 competitors will compete for bragging and torture rights over a 5 month span at which point the Fantasy Football season will be underway and female companionship mostly unneeded for five months. While there are no monetary awards the pure entertainment value of such shenanigans will likely be worthy of currency if presented in the correct medium.

The Joys of Online Dating

Having recently re-entered the world of dating (both online and, in theory, face-to-face), I vowed not to take anything too fast or serious. I've also decided that since the odds of periodic rejection are fairly high(which is a fair assumption; reference: "my life"), then I might as well have a little fun with it.

Luckily, it turns out that the combination of a few beers, free online dating sites, and a handful of girls that seem semi-interesting can lead to some surprisingly entertaining quotes. While these may not be of the level of my new goto pick up line ("My mom doesn't want me dating a chick with a big ass, but I think she'll make an exception for you..."), I think they are worth repeating to the 3-4 family members that check this jumble of words on a semi-consistent basis.

I'd like to say that the following were all written in jest, alas that would be slightly more than a white lie. These are 100%, honest to goodness lines, that even upon re-reading, I sent to a hot internet babe in hopes of a quick response. Oddly enough, they haven't been all that successful, as my writing this post and playing Black Ops on a Friday night may attest to...

"I'm really good at...Obscure references, misplaced sarcasm and bringing about general awkwardness"

Upon further review, I guess that a night full of obscure references and sarcastic half jokes about a lady's appearance may not be all that appealing. I guess guys just don't get bonus points for good old honesty like they used to.

"I've been roaming the streets looking for a fight, but haven't had any luck as of late. I'm starting to think I may have to expand my search across the Maine and Mass borders. Where do you usually fight?"

In my defense, this was in response to some chick's stupid super hero joke. Writing "haha, that's funny" is a little too boring for me, so I just decide to take it too far...

"Good choice on the 'God Delusion' - I've been battling with it for the last year off and on. The writing and logic are great, as are Dawkin's conclusions..."

Because first internet 'dates' are supposed to be all about religion and politics, right?

"I have the Glee mix of 'Bust a Move' on my Great Bay half training mix. Top that!"

Typically, I think this one would be a hands down winner. Nothing screams "I'm fabulously stuck in the past" like acknowledging a knowledge, enjoyment and active involvement in the phenomenon that is Glee. Challenging the lovely lady to top such a claim is both an impossible task and somewhat telling statement.

"I've somehow managed to avoid the shift to Python and stuck with Perl as my scripting language of choice."

And the winner...a reference to my preference of an old school scripting language over a young up-and-comer. I actually spent another sentence or two going into more detail, but could not bring myself to copy and paste the shit show of my trying to hit on a hot internet babe of PhD proportions.