Like Woah and OMFG

Despite what some may think, I don't squeal like a school girl on Valentine's day very often. Sure, I may perk up when Carolina signs another All American or I solve a problem on Project Euler, but rarely does an audible screech escape from my lips.

This was not the case early last evening. An event of such great historical importance, epic proportions and unpredictability was announced that had anyone dared dream of it, they would have been engulfed in a straight jacket and whisked away to a state run rehabilitation facility in a matter of seconds.

No, Bill O'Reilly has not admitted that his show is done in jest. Nor has Fox "News" fessed up to being little more than entertainment for the feeble minded. And god no, I'm not getting married (again).

In fact, it was announced that MySpace is going to broadcast the first Ben Folds Five reunion in nearly a decade from their old stomping grounds (and mine) - Chapel Hill. If you've never been engulfed in giddiness, elation, and euphoria all at once, you should try it. It's like having a million little fingers massage your whole body while nude angels frolic in a baby oil pool for which you are the life guard.

Add this great news to the fact that fall is quickly descending upon us, Pumpkin Spice Lattes are back at Starbucks, I have two great Fantasy Football teams and MiaManda is surprising me with an early birthday present this week and the last couple of days have been quite fun despite the best efforts of life's little PITAs.

A couple one liners for ya:

• If your water heater has a 6 year warranty, be assured that it will explode at 6 years and 2 months.
  
• Golf is addicting. Even more so if you're awful.
• If anyone needs to get in touch with Satan herself, let me know. I have that pain in the ass' contact info.
• I propose that the AL MVP vote is fixed so as to allow Pedroia and Youkilis to split it.
• The mop top has gone about 4 months without so much as a trim. Don't worry, I'm still stunningly handsome.
• The poison ivy is finally gone. Please do enjoy my documentation of it's disgustingness.
  

Finally, a little teaser to get you to check back in a few days. There will soon be photo evidence of pussy-whipped-ness to a degree which has never been seen before. Not to spoil the surprise, but it involves fantasy football, co-managers and official team uniforms...

My Man Crush: Ben Folds

In case you didn't know, Ben Folds' newest album - Way To Normal - hits shelves exactly one month from today. This is likely to be the musical highlight of my year. The singles I've heard are eccentric, upbeat, honest and obscene - everything I've come to expect from Mr. Folds. Add to that a duet with Regina Spektor, leaked tracks (both real and fake) by the man himself, a YouTube contest for covers of his songs and a stop motion video written about a tumble in Japan, and this appears to be another entry in my line of worn out Folds related CDs.

So for those of you who have yet to become obsessed with the oft-wed pianist (4 and counting!) and those of you who have an obsession to his music as equally unhealthy as my own, here are 10 Ben Folds related videos for your listening (and viewing) pleasure:

Best Song (In My Opinion) - Underground



Best Use of Keytar - Rockin' The Suburbs



Best Nonsensical Title - One Angry Dwarf And 200 Solemn Faces



Best Sing Along - Army



Best Cover by Ben - Careless Whisper (w/Rufus Wainwright)



Best Cover of Ben - The Last Polka

Piano - Mike Stein
Drums - Justin Bulava
Vocals (grey) - Lauren Fairweather
Vocals (yellow) - Nina Jankowicz


Most Depressing Lyrics - Brick



Best (and only) Sports Song - Boxing



Best Song That Makes You Say REALLY? - Bitches Ain't Shit (NSFW) (Dr. Dre Cover)

(Fast forward to the 2 minute mark - it's worth it)


Best Song About Dating Your Daughter's Friend - Karaoke Supernova/Hiro's Song

Day 9: Bears, Fat Kids and Pepperoni Sticks

As you may have noticed, this little vacation I am taking involves a lot of driving. We have already eliminated one day earlier in the trip so we could hike the Badlands. We decided to do the same today in order to have a day off before I have three days of straight ferry riding.

The morning started at 5 am Mountain Time in Jasper, Alberta and ended about 13 hours and nearly 700 miles later in Prince Rupert, BC.

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On a trip of this magnitude, you find a lot of things to keep you busy. After exhausting my iPod play lists (especially James Taylor, Ben Folds, Barenaked Ladies and Jimmy Buffet) and many of my pod casts (This American Life, Car Talk and The Junkies), I decided to start jotting down some of my observations for your enjoyment:

Convenience Stores

These things go by a variety of names - Gas Stations, C-Stores, Kum-N-Go (yes, really) and offer even more services. Where else can you eat 3 day old hot dogs, buy flavored, colored condoms (and the pills that help get the job done) in a bathroom, get 2 jumbo kit kats for $1.19, and of course, work with wonderful people and pepperoni sticks?

Unless there is some kind of candy, processed meat and erection related products emporium, I think the Convenience Stores have this market cornered.

Bears

I know, I hit on it yesterday, but when you leave a campground one morning with this being the last thing you see, then you can over-write about it too.

And without bears, I never would have been able to utter this statement to my bro: "I will sleep with your girlfriend so bears don't eat the dog." Yes, it was entirely innocent and there was logic behind it, but I'll let you guess on what that logic may be.

Drive Throughs

I'd say this could only happen in America, but it was actually in British Columbia. The picture does more justice than I ever could with words.

I was as giddy as a fat kid at a breakfast buffet when I got this pic.

Tomorrow is a slacker day where my brother and I will be supporting the local Indian Casino while exploring Prince Rupert. Then off to Ketchikan and Metlakatla on Thursday.

Day 5: "God Made Us Number One Because He Loves Us The Best, Well He Should Go Bless Someone Else For A While, Give Us A Rest"*

America is a great country. It really is. I know we have a screwed up political system where it is impossible to make changes, too much poverty and way too many self centered jerks (Refer to "Virgina, Northern" or "Holmes, Chad circa 1999-2006" for proof), but overall, the pros far outweigh the cons. One of the biggest reasons I think this is because any dumbass can make a very good life for themselves with a lot of hard work, the occasional break and an ability to play by the rules.

There are numerous examples of this: The Flat Earth Society, anyone who thinks they are better than someone else based on race (Everyone knows that God puts the better people in America and race has nothing to do with it), and the three stories I would like to share today. They all take place on the lovely 584 mile jaunt from the Badlands KOA to the Livingston, MT KOA.


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Tale 1: The Lonely Vacationer

What do you get when you combine a solo vacationer, dirt "on ramps", 75mph speed limits and some level of idiocy? If you guessed "A jerk driving down a one way interstate TOWARDS you at full speed", then you are a winner. This one doesn't need much explaining, but it was worth mentioning. I don't know whose eyes were bigger, mine or his as I frantically flashed my headlights and waved while narrowly avoiding a real life movie remake.

Illogical Religious Arguments

I attempt to show the minimum religious devotion needed to get Christmas presents each year. This apparently involves giving gifts the previous year, so I should be good for this December. I do have a few friends who I enjoy discussing religion with since they are open minded and can agree to disagree on issues.

This is not one of those cases. I actually listened to an interview for over 20 minutes in which the interviewee stated that contraception should not be used, even if you are to sin and have pre-marital sex. The reason for this? Because the rhythm method is 100% effective if practiced correctly by collecting the female's mucus, internal body temperature and a number of other factors first thing each morning. Yup - that's right. God wants you to poke, prod and pry your lucky lady with medical equipment before poking, prodding and prying her with your own equipment. How romantic.

The Educated Geniuses

Let's say you have an early morning wake up call from thunder and lightning (not my left and right biceps, the natural phenomena). It is pouring and you have a long journey ahead of you. What do you do? If you said "Pack up as quick as possible and get the hell out of Dodge", then you've never met a Holmes. Nope, the correct answer was "Jump in your cars, drive up the muddiest path to the highest hill you can and watch while talking on Walkie Talkies". That's right - three bachelor's degrees, one master's and a handful of common sense and we still attempted to be the highest points in a 5 square mile area just to get a good view. What can I say - if you know me, you're probably not surprised. If you don't, welcome into my mind.

And since the stories weren't as exciting as usual, please enjoy some pictures of the Montana horizon:

The view from the Livingston, MT KOA


Moose


Cows and Mountains


The road


Off to Old Faithful tomorrow followed by a drive to Glacier. Lots of changes in the schedule - details to come...

*Ben Folds