Day 8: Help Me Colbert - You're My Only Hope*

There aren't a lot of things that can throw me for a complete loop. Must stuff I can take in stride and you'd never even notice me flinch - mostly thanks to the demands of consulting which have transformed my nerves from goo to steel (or at least aluminium, as the Canucks say). Every now and then though, someone will utter a semi-coherent thought that totally surprises me or freaks me out. Off the top of my head, here are a few that I have heard lately:

• (In a loud whisper)"You're card is being denied"
• "There is increased bear activity in the campground."
• "Don't let the dog out since it will attract bears."
• "Don't wear deodorant, use toothpaste, apply cosmetics or breath, since it will attract bears"
• "Did I mention the bears in this campground?"
• "No, our wireless is not working"

As you can guess, a few of those perked my ears and made me clench my sphincter. Luckily the card was just being protected by my bank, and the bears have yet to eat me as of this writing. The final comment was just a horrible thought though. No internet! For a whole day! And no cell service to check my email!? I nearly cried - I'm man enough to admit it. I think a tear or two may have slipped out.

Luckily, a 10 hour drive landed us in Jasper, Alberta, Canada - which the local website assures me is a "gateway to some of the most majestic, pristine and accessible wilderness Canada has to offer".

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As my travel companions and I explored the tourist trap that was main street, I saw my salvation - an internet cafe offering affordable rates and a power outlet. I quickly plopped my rotund rump in a well worn chair and got my high speed fix. All was good in the world.

And it is from this internet cafe that I now write to you - my dozens of loyal readers who seem to take enjoyment in the stew that is my brain. You will all be glad to know that the trip continues and we are aiming for Prince Rupert, BC tomorrow (one day early to take a much needed break from driving).

And what would a post be without pictures:

Some more ridiculously bluish-green water.


The water with its' friend, Mr. Mountain


Big Blue driving towards Big Mountain


That Guy


Beware of humping bears???


Q&A appears to be a popular subject, so send in those questions (trip related, or otherwise). I'll be posting some more answers soon (including a discussion of my grooming habits - Watch Out!).


*You should get at least one of these two geek references. Bonus points for both.

Day 7: Glacier!

Glacier National Park - All I can say is WOW. Up until two months ago, this peaceful gem wasn't even a blip on my radar. Now it tops my list of places to visit again - leaving Yellowstone, Vegas, Paris and Munich (as a drinker this time) in the proverbial dust.


Oh, Glacier, why do I love thee more than Harp when Liquid A or The Zoo are playing? Let me count the ways.

Emerald Water

At first you don't believe it. Then you accept that it may actually be true. Finally you venture down a rocky path to look, touch and feel the water. It is perfectly transparent with a green/blue tint that no image can truly capture.

Cascading Mountains

One Mountain isn't enough you say? Not even two? How about dozens? It is almost as if a large chunk of frozen water sliced large sections from between the mountain tops, leaving unlimited hiking opportunities with waterfalls, ice caps and various greenery and wildlife in every direction.

Myriad Adventures

Want to blow up a piece of rubber and shoot down the river towards jagged rocks? Rafting is for you. Maybe you want a little more control in a long, narrow fiberglass body? Grab a kayak. Wanna bike? You got it. Jump in 14 passenger tour car? Not my thing, but go for it. Of course, my favorite is hiking. And hike we did. With a view like this at the top, how can you not feel the desire?

The Unknown

The best part of this park is you never know what you'll run in to. We saw black bear and deer, a half burnt forrest and a mountain top weather tower. The best two surprises? One - the lack of obnoxious tourists. Most were calm, quiet and left the animals alone. Two - A hiking log book from over two years ago. Give people a pen, paper and one blank page and they get creative.

I really hope Dylan and Kelly had as much fun as they planned on.

And now a little Q&A for my faithful readers:

1. The Saab. It's a beast. No, it's not going to get the ladies like a Beemer would (I don't really like the snobby, high maintenance, bitchy type anyway). Yes, it has its' quirks, dings and scratches. But guess what. It runs, it goes fast enough, it's getting 30 miles per gallon and it is paid for. I can't ask for much more.


2. The Skirts. Believe it or not, I'm just not trying that hard. There is too much to see, do and experience to have to worry about impressing someone else that I will never talk to again. Maybe that's the point, but any lady I can coerce into the sack in a matter of hours probably has bigger issues than I really want to risk dealing with. So no fist bumps have been shared at this point (If you don't know the story, buy me two beers and I'll spill the beans - it's a good one).

3. The Changing of Plans. Yup, I'm already off my schedule. In this whole trip I have two places I MUST be - on a ferry next Thursday and back to work in mid August. Other than that, it's about kicking back, doing what I want and discovering a country I've seen very little of. I don't think I've stressed once in over a week and am going to try to keep the streak going. If I miss a Sox game or a walk around Seattle, so be it. I'm sure whatever else I end up doing is a lot more fun.

4. The Locks. They're not quite flowing, but are well on the way. The tops of my ears are slowly being covered and my widow's peak is long enough to warrant pushing to one side or another. I haven't shaved in 10 days, so a little stubble is finally showing through. While I can't promise a 70s porn mustache any time soon, I'm well on my way to a crazy mad scientist look by the time I get home.

Keep those comments coming. I'll try to keep the writing entertaining.

Off to Jasper, British Columbia tomorrow....

Day 6: Yellowstone!

There aren't a whole lot of things that I regret in this life - if you've spoken with me for more than 5 minutes, then you probably know exactly what they are. (Side note - I've found 4.5 minutes is about the length I can talk to ladies on the phone before I get nervous and make some excuse to hang up. I think it's some weird defense mechanism to protect them from early exposure to my uniqueness). Of those things I do regret, I've made up for a lot of them over the last year and a half.

Unfortunately I have to report the regret of a lifetime in this posting. On the trip from Livingston, MT (just north of Yellowstone) to West Glacier, MT (home of Glacier National Park) we passed through a town named Butte.

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Now Butte, as most of us know, is pronounced "Bute" with a long 'u'. Of course, my brother and I have the combined maturity of a 13 year old, so his girlfriend had the joy of listening to butt jokes for well over 100 miles until we reached this tract of single level homes and run down strip malls.

One thing we didn't realize was that there is a big rig weigh station in the town of Butte. And at this station there is a sign. A very large, very yellow sign. And that sign clearly states the purpose of the weigh station in the simplest possible terms: "BUTTE SCALE". If there was ever a picture that needed to be taken, this was it. Who could resist staring at two ghostly Irish arses situated upon an aptly named Butte Scale? Unfortunately, we were slow on the shutter and unable to break in time. I fear that I will take this one to the grave, for there are very few Buttes in this world. Some day, if I am truly lucky, I will arrive at Crested Butte, CO after a long hike or bike ride. Only then will I be able to whip out my camera, snap a photo at the most unusual of angles and be able to finally die a peaceful death.

Of course, a glorious day can be made despite the disappointment of a lifetime. Today was the day to visit Yellowstone.


While we had to cancel all hikes (including day 2 which will now be spent hiking Glacier, also without Moose) due to the pet unfriendliness of the park (apparently bears like to eat dogs), we still enjoyed a nice 2 hour, relatively tourist free drive through the northwest corner.


This is only a tiny portion of a gigantic park that I will have to visit at a later date. Be warned FGOCs (Future Gals of Chad), one of you will probably be dragged along on the trip. Feel free to fight amongst yourselves for this pleasure and let me know who the lucky lady is. A single elimination jello wrestling tournament is preferred, but mud or baby oil can be used if lime jello is unavailable.

And what would this posting be without some random shots of the day. Enjoy.

Brotherly Love


Alaska's Newest Teachers


Someone Knew We Were Coming


The Lead Driver and Navigator of Leg 1



Hiking Glacier tomorrow...

Day 5: "God Made Us Number One Because He Loves Us The Best, Well He Should Go Bless Someone Else For A While, Give Us A Rest"*

America is a great country. It really is. I know we have a screwed up political system where it is impossible to make changes, too much poverty and way too many self centered jerks (Refer to "Virgina, Northern" or "Holmes, Chad circa 1999-2006" for proof), but overall, the pros far outweigh the cons. One of the biggest reasons I think this is because any dumbass can make a very good life for themselves with a lot of hard work, the occasional break and an ability to play by the rules.

There are numerous examples of this: The Flat Earth Society, anyone who thinks they are better than someone else based on race (Everyone knows that God puts the better people in America and race has nothing to do with it), and the three stories I would like to share today. They all take place on the lovely 584 mile jaunt from the Badlands KOA to the Livingston, MT KOA.


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Tale 1: The Lonely Vacationer

What do you get when you combine a solo vacationer, dirt "on ramps", 75mph speed limits and some level of idiocy? If you guessed "A jerk driving down a one way interstate TOWARDS you at full speed", then you are a winner. This one doesn't need much explaining, but it was worth mentioning. I don't know whose eyes were bigger, mine or his as I frantically flashed my headlights and waved while narrowly avoiding a real life movie remake.

Illogical Religious Arguments

I attempt to show the minimum religious devotion needed to get Christmas presents each year. This apparently involves giving gifts the previous year, so I should be good for this December. I do have a few friends who I enjoy discussing religion with since they are open minded and can agree to disagree on issues.

This is not one of those cases. I actually listened to an interview for over 20 minutes in which the interviewee stated that contraception should not be used, even if you are to sin and have pre-marital sex. The reason for this? Because the rhythm method is 100% effective if practiced correctly by collecting the female's mucus, internal body temperature and a number of other factors first thing each morning. Yup - that's right. God wants you to poke, prod and pry your lucky lady with medical equipment before poking, prodding and prying her with your own equipment. How romantic.

The Educated Geniuses

Let's say you have an early morning wake up call from thunder and lightning (not my left and right biceps, the natural phenomena). It is pouring and you have a long journey ahead of you. What do you do? If you said "Pack up as quick as possible and get the hell out of Dodge", then you've never met a Holmes. Nope, the correct answer was "Jump in your cars, drive up the muddiest path to the highest hill you can and watch while talking on Walkie Talkies". That's right - three bachelor's degrees, one master's and a handful of common sense and we still attempted to be the highest points in a 5 square mile area just to get a good view. What can I say - if you know me, you're probably not surprised. If you don't, welcome into my mind.

And since the stories weren't as exciting as usual, please enjoy some pictures of the Montana horizon:

The view from the Livingston, MT KOA


Moose


Cows and Mountains


The road


Off to Old Faithful tomorrow followed by a drive to Glacier. Lots of changes in the schedule - details to come...

*Ben Folds