Fantasy Dating

The Rambling Prologue

Portsmouth, NH may be a beautiful place 10 months of the year, but January and February can be absolute beasts - the days are short, the people are grumpy, the wind is frigid and outside of dodgeball, drinking and Black Ops marathons, there's just not a whole lot to do. Every year as despair begins to set in and one becomes more and more thankful for mandatory firearm waiting periods, Spring will bless the Seacoast with scattered 50 degree blasts of sunshine. The first of such days occurred last week, much to the joy of the community, and more entertainingly, to my mind which has decided to go from contentedness with 9pm bed times and Adam Sandler movies to the exact opposite end of the spectrum in searching for mates worthy of reproductive exploits.

Of course, the logistics of such searches are complicated and dangerous grounds that should not be tread upon lightly. Among the factors that must be considered are social awkwardness, a mother's requirements (specifically, a dress size no larger than a 12, or if the lovely lady is a wearer of man jeans, a waist of no larger than 31 inches), extra hesitant targets of admiration, manscaping and, of course, which t-shirt is more impressive ("I Shaved My Pubes for This?" narrowly edges out "Wine 'em, Dine 'em, Sixty-nine 'em" in almost every category).

Chazzy Gets His Groove Back

Luckily, friends can be more than willing to ruin their good names in an effort to live through a typical Fat Man Running dating experience. While the most recent (and honestly, only) one of these outings did not live up to normal levels of jackassery, there were a few highlights:

• An introduction of "Hi, I'm Chad and apologize for the rest of the evening in advance"
  
• Sharing 20 ounces of delicious Bud Lite with your friend's pants within 2 minutes of it being delivered
• Big Buck Hunter marathons at all you can eat sports bars
  
• A life recap of "My best relationship ended with the chick moving to Alaska and shacking up with another chick"
• Open and specific discussion of the above "Mom Big Butt Requirements"

The League

As these exploits were chuckle worthy, they certainly didn't entertain close friends and family members in a way they've come to expect. Because of this, it has been proposed that the dating issue must be forced in a way that can be considered both proactive and engaging at the same time. With this in mind and a common desire to restart the Fantasy Football season 6 months early, a hybrid set of Fantasy Dating rules has been proposed:

• 8 competitors (we'll call them "handlers") get access to the same online dating account with my information
  
• Each handler gets to log in twice a week and pick 2 girls to contact. These may not include fatties, dumbies, obvious dullards, or anyone that would make me audibly gasp upon first meeting (aka, "defects").
  
• Each handler will be allowed a maximum of 4 messages with each girl which must result in a face to face meeting or termination of contact
• Each handler will have one audible which they can use to terminate one of their relationships at any point for the greater good
• I will have audible veto power which can be overruled by a majority vote

The Scoring

Once contact has been initiated, scoring will occur in the following manner:

• Any date falling in the "defects" category: -5 points
  
• Disinterested date (texting/drifting/taking calls): -2 points
  
• Date taking "emergency out" call: -2 points/+2 points if handler is the one making the call
  
• Full coffee without exercising her emergency out option: +1 point
  
• Full outing: +2 points
  
• Sharing of saliva: +5 points
  
• Sharing of non-saliva fluids: +9 points (can include spilled/thrown beverages)
  
• Real adult relationship > 2 months: +15 points
  

The Payout

The 8 competitors will compete for bragging and torture rights over a 5 month span at which point the Fantasy Football season will be underway and female companionship mostly unneeded for five months. While there are no monetary awards the pure entertainment value of such shenanigans will likely be worthy of currency if presented in the correct medium.

The Joys of Online Dating

Having recently re-entered the world of dating (both online and, in theory, face-to-face), I vowed not to take anything too fast or serious. I've also decided that since the odds of periodic rejection are fairly high(which is a fair assumption; reference: "my life"), then I might as well have a little fun with it.

Luckily, it turns out that the combination of a few beers, free online dating sites, and a handful of girls that seem semi-interesting can lead to some surprisingly entertaining quotes. While these may not be of the level of my new goto pick up line ("My mom doesn't want me dating a chick with a big ass, but I think she'll make an exception for you..."), I think they are worth repeating to the 3-4 family members that check this jumble of words on a semi-consistent basis.

I'd like to say that the following were all written in jest, alas that would be slightly more than a white lie. These are 100%, honest to goodness lines, that even upon re-reading, I sent to a hot internet babe in hopes of a quick response. Oddly enough, they haven't been all that successful, as my writing this post and playing Black Ops on a Friday night may attest to...

"I'm really good at...Obscure references, misplaced sarcasm and bringing about general awkwardness"

Upon further review, I guess that a night full of obscure references and sarcastic half jokes about a lady's appearance may not be all that appealing. I guess guys just don't get bonus points for good old honesty like they used to.

"I've been roaming the streets looking for a fight, but haven't had any luck as of late. I'm starting to think I may have to expand my search across the Maine and Mass borders. Where do you usually fight?"

In my defense, this was in response to some chick's stupid super hero joke. Writing "haha, that's funny" is a little too boring for me, so I just decide to take it too far...

"Good choice on the 'God Delusion' - I've been battling with it for the last year off and on. The writing and logic are great, as are Dawkin's conclusions..."

Because first internet 'dates' are supposed to be all about religion and politics, right?

"I have the Glee mix of 'Bust a Move' on my Great Bay half training mix. Top that!"

Typically, I think this one would be a hands down winner. Nothing screams "I'm fabulously stuck in the past" like acknowledging a knowledge, enjoyment and active involvement in the phenomenon that is Glee. Challenging the lovely lady to top such a claim is both an impossible task and somewhat telling statement.

"I've somehow managed to avoid the shift to Python and stuck with Perl as my scripting language of choice."

And the winner...a reference to my preference of an old school scripting language over a young up-and-comer. I actually spent another sentence or two going into more detail, but could not bring myself to copy and paste the shit show of my trying to hit on a hot internet babe of PhD proportions.

2011 Race Training - Playlist All Stars

Having recently pursued nonathletic adventures in urban living, cohabitation and extended confinement in a 4'x8' space, the urge to run a somewhat challenging race crept back into my quickly aging legs. Sure, I'd done a 4 miler or 10k here and there, but my rigorous training schedule for those typically consisted of a few lumbering 5 mile jogs each week and required no attention to pace, eating habits or training plans.

So on a whim, I signed up for an early April half - my first in nearly two years. Luckily, I was able to dig up a few useful resources in planning for this surprisingly hilly course:

• Hal Higdon's Training Guide - Straight forward, easy to understand and targeted towards multiple levels of runners. I prefer a slightly modified version of the Novice plan.
• Google Calendar - To schedule those pesky training runs that good ole' Hal insists on. I find that email reminders of "Run, you fat ass!" can be quite motivating.
• LiveStrong.com - An outstanding site for tracking runs, meals and a variety of other useful tools. It definitely helps reconsider that mid-day mocha or push for one more mile at the end of a long run.

Of course, none of this would be fun without an accompanying playlist - my own personal montage music if you will. Having already dedicated a full post to the brilliance of one Mr. Benjamin Folds and another to previous incarnations of my playlist, I figured a third was in order. The below playlist all stars have a pretty distinctive 60s/70s feel to them, but are definitely worth consideration for any soundtracks that need refreshing:

Songs to Fight Through that First Mile

Cecilia - Simon & Garfunkel

You Don't Mess Around with Jim - Jim Croce

When the Sun Goes Down - Arctic Monkeys

Upbeat Songs to Get Ya Goin'

Freewill/The Spirit of the Radio/Tom Sawyer/Limelight - Rush

25 or 6 to 4 - Chicago

The End - The Beatles

Gotos for Eating Up Long, Shapeless Distance:

Suite: Judy Blue Eyes - Crosby, Stills & Nash

Paradise by the Dashboard Light - Meat Loaf

Jessica - Allman Brothers Band

Obligatory Ben Folds Inclusions

Effington (a cappella version) - Ben Folds

Jackson Cannery - Ben Folds Five

One Angry Dwarf and 200 Solemn Faces - Ben Folds Five

Quick and Easy Songs to End the Day

America - Simon & Garfunkel

Stuck in the Middle With You - Stealers Wheel

Wonderwall - Oasis

A Recipe to End the Year On

Having spent my previous New Year's Eve in an entertaining but way too healthy manner, I made a pre-2011 resolution to consume as much combined sugar, caffeine and alcohol in one night as my quickly aging body would allow, while still being able to drive to a wedding the following day.

The natural choice for such a challenge was the much ballyhooed Four Loko, which proudly boasts having as much caffeine as a large cup of coffee mixed with up to 12% alcohol and a fruity kick for fun. Alas, in a show of surprising responsibility and potential intelligence, our government quickly banned the product enjoyed by frat boys from coast to coast

Luckily, college age degenerates are plentiful, creative and internet savvy, leading to home brew Four Loko instructions quickly being posted on YouTube:

Unfortunately, I don't keep a regular supply of St. Ides Malt Liquor in my humble abode as the instructions recommend, and typically avoid straight consumption of caffeine pills as they occasionally can cause hearts to stop beating. With those factors in mind, I hit up Walmart and the local liquor store, and after a little experimenting, came up with the following recipe with not quite disappointing results:

Ingredients:

• 2 - 12 oz cans of Monster Lo-Carb Energy drink
• 10 - Jolly Ranchers (The purple/blue combination is recommended although pink/red worked ok as well)
• 32 oz diet sprite
• 12 oz Pomegranate Vodka

Instructions:

1. Dissolve the Jolly Ranchers in the Monster for ~12 hours
2. Mix everything together
3. Drink

The resulting mixtures contained somewhat unnatural hues of reds and greens but goes down as easy as Kool-Aid (this was confirmed with several small children playing outside). While the results of consuming such a brew have yet to occur, and will likely be best left undocumented, it can only be assumed that caffeine + booze = pure awesomeness.

Long Distance Subletting in NYC~or~You're Gonna Get Screwed

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Trattoria Athena: A Semi-Biased Review

Disclaimer: I am friends with Timothy O'Brien, one of Trattoria Athena's co-owners, making this review immediately biased. I'm also obsessively critical, routinely play the role of devil's advocate for fun and have presented the following details in the exact same way I shared with both owners. If you disagree after a visit, I'll gladly teach you how to start your own blog, make friends with restaurant owners and write essays that your parents and loved ones will act like they read so they don't have to hear about it to no end.

Overview: A-
A short 25 minutes from Portland, ME, Trattoria Athena (25 Mill St, Brunswick, ME) serves a reasonably priced mix of Italian and Greek fare. The homey atmosphere is the perfect location for a celebratory dinner or date night.

Atmosphere: A-
Trattoria Athena's dining area is large enough to hold a private conversation, yet small enough for the servers to be attentive and non-intrusive. Barn door table tops, mason jar drinking glasses and comfortably eclectic wall hangings round out an environment that channels an upscale Downeastern feel.

Appetizers: B+
If available, order the Fiori di Zucca Ripieni (lightly fried zucchini blossoms with ricotta and mozzarella - 4 for $10). The ricotta and mozzarella combination is perfectly heated - hot enough to be tender, but not so hot as to be runny. The zucchini blossom makes for an excellent departure from the typically heavy casings of cheese based appetizers.

The bread in the Greek & Italian oil service ($2.50, one Greek oil, one Italian oil) was well worth ordering the on its own. The oils were interesting and worth a try, but I won't object to the rumored plans to rotate through a variety of oils.

Wine: B+
Wine is my biggest weakness in my well honed gluttony, but the wine list is exactly what I desire in a casual, intimate eatery - with options ranging from affordable to nice, yet not obscene. The house red was unoffensive and went down smooth. While the list may occasionally change, I had choices of reds and whites from both Greece and Italy. A glass of the house was a reasonable $4.50, while a bottle of the finest was a justifiable $70.

To add to the atmosphere, wine is served in stemless glasses that tend to make a standard pour look somewhat lacking. Rest assured that this is just an interesting illusion and 2 glasses are plenty to leave most diners in a sufficiently relaxed mood.

Entrees: A
Due to repeated poor experiences, I make it a point to avoid ravioli at all costs. Luckily my date was not so picky and took a chance with one of the specials - goat stuffed ravioli. The kitchen was able to avoid the common mistake of overcooked pasta and under flavored filling hidden in a heavy sauce. Instead, the goat was flavored to be uncommon but tasty and was well complimented by a light sauce. In a land where most restaurant ravioli is comparable to a 4 year old's canned lunch, this handmade pasta is well worth a try.

The Involtino di Pollo (or Chicken "roll" as the menu helpfully guides) is a great combination of breast stuffed with a variety of flavors including feta and sundried tomatoes. The fregula (similar to orzo or couscous in shape) that it was served on was slightly under seasoned but easily fixed with a touch of salt. I would gladly order both entrees again on repeat visits.

Desserts: A+
If the entrees were a concert, the desserts would easily play the first, second and third encores due to popular demand. The dessert raviolis were perfectly fried, filled with a tasty blueberry/sauce combination and topped with more handpicked blueberries. To tie the warm dessert together, a scoop of Greek homemade mint ice cream topped the combination.

As good as the dessert raviolis were, the baklava served with an individual scoop of Greek homemade coffee ice cream was unequaled. One of the co-owners, Marc, was able to avoid the common mistakes of making the baklava too dry or serving it with honey that was too sweet. Instead they were a perfect compliment to one another. Again, the ice cream was able to bring the dish together and make for a delicious treat to end the meal.

Total Price: B
Approximately $70 before tipping the friendly and helpful server. While this isn't a nightly meal, $70 for 3 glasses of wine, 2 appetizers, 2 entrees and 2 desserts all of a quality rarely found north of Boston's North End was more than justifiable. A basic meal for two could easily cost $40 or less.

Affirmation of a Blog Name

While I'd like to believe that my blog name is somewhat original, a quick search shows that multiple others of larger carriage have taken a liking to the "Fat Man Running" theme. Most of these sites focus on a plump gent documenting the journey to their "inner skinny guy" or who has "aspirations of losing weight while completing a marathon". I'd love to report that these blogs often end in great success, but I'd be lying. The Fat Man Running life is a tough one to live for more than a few ambitious months at a time.

Luckily, my Fat Man Running theme is not fly-by-night - I've been a fat runner since I became a man. This, of course, is arguable. My mother will always claim I'm too skinny (she once told me this at 255 lbs while I squeezed into 42" jeans), skilled runners may call my stride more of a waddle (I prefer an awkward gait), and my brothers love to remind me that my manhood is questionable at best.

With such misguided accusations of a healthy BMI, choppy strides and flowing effeminacy, I needed a sign that I was in fact a Fat Man Running. Something that says "this is so unique to your situation that it would bare your name if it were any less common." Something that affirms gender, body composition and activity level with one fell swoop. Something...sexy!

Instead, I got injured. With only 1/2 mile left in the Scotland Run 10k an injury struck me with such force that doctors had to give it the least intimidating name possible so as to avoid panic at its' mere utterance. Yes, I'm talking about plantar fasciitis.

Now don't let fancy Latin sounding names diminish the seriousness of this issue. Plantar fasciitis travels with it's friend - Excruciating Pain - sometimes as high as a 5 or 6 on the pain scale (roughly between a cat scratching your leg and a really bad migraine). Even worse, the main course of treatment is rest - not something that I do well when the sun is shining and races abound.

Luckily there is a golden lining in plantar fasciitis - the affirmation I was desiring (yes - this is what I worry about these days). Something to prove my manhood. My running. My truly being a big fat fatty. Scientific proof that I was a Fat Man Running in the form of common causes of plantar fasciitis:

1. Active men (normally 40-70, but I'll take what I can get)
2. Running
3. Obesity

Some may argue that such proof may bring at least one of my questionable traits under further scrutiny, but I'm just happy that I now have hard evidence to fall upon when discussing my moniker of choice.