My Man Crush: Ben Folds

In case you didn't know, Ben Folds' newest album - Way To Normal - hits shelves exactly one month from today. This is likely to be the musical highlight of my year. The singles I've heard are eccentric, upbeat, honest and obscene - everything I've come to expect from Mr. Folds. Add to that a duet with Regina Spektor, leaked tracks (both real and fake) by the man himself, a YouTube contest for covers of his songs and a stop motion video written about a tumble in Japan, and this appears to be another entry in my line of worn out Folds related CDs.

So for those of you who have yet to become obsessed with the oft-wed pianist (4 and counting!) and those of you who have an obsession to his music as equally unhealthy as my own, here are 10 Ben Folds related videos for your listening (and viewing) pleasure:

Best Song (In My Opinion) - Underground



Best Use of Keytar - Rockin' The Suburbs



Best Nonsensical Title - One Angry Dwarf And 200 Solemn Faces



Best Sing Along - Army



Best Cover by Ben - Careless Whisper (w/Rufus Wainwright)



Best Cover of Ben - The Last Polka

Piano - Mike Stein
Drums - Justin Bulava
Vocals (grey) - Lauren Fairweather
Vocals (yellow) - Nina Jankowicz


Most Depressing Lyrics - Brick



Best (and only) Sports Song - Boxing



Best Song That Makes You Say REALLY? - Bitches Ain't Shit (NSFW) (Dr. Dre Cover)

(Fast forward to the 2 minute mark - it's worth it)


Best Song About Dating Your Daughter's Friend - Karaoke Supernova/Hiro's Song

The 40 Hour Day

Every now and then I have a week at work where I can just step back on Friday afternoon and say "Damn, I got a ton done." Don't get me wrong, this doesn't happen very often, but when it does I'm always taken aback.

Of course, I never really tried 40 consecutive hours of activity - until last weekend. Since my nude modeling career has yet to take off, work is still a necessity, and unfortunately it bungled up my personal plans once again. While some of the fun stuff got thrown out the window (the only nipples I saw that weekend were my own), I did have quite the day (or two):

• Wake up in the Philly suburbs. Wash vigorously.
  
• Complete a REALLY cool work assignment. No small governments were overthrown.
• Drive through beautiful downtown Philadelphia. I'm still awaiting the results of the TB test.
  
• Spend an hour in a fiberglass tube which zooms you to Boston at 350mph.
• Have a delicious Quiznos dinner in Southern New Hampshire
• Drive 9 hours to a foreign land while listening to tales of contemplated military service, hitting the lowest of lows and barroom brawls. Luckily I'm naive and think they are just catchy songs that help the time go by.
• Shoot random elk, moose and deer at 3 am while releasing primal screams that would make Howard Dean swell with pride.
• Aid in the hydration of bushes on the edge of Niagara Falls
• Ingest multiple grams of caffeine in the form of three venti hazelnut soy lattes, six red bulls, three gas station coffees and one diet coke. I know, I know, diet soda is bad for me.
• Listen to Toronto area news stations discuss how the Blue Jays will do in the playoffs. Despite being 12 games back. In late August. And sucking. Really.
• Watch Jon Lester throw a couple innings of batting practice to the Jays.
• Mmmmm...steak and crab legs
• Cirque du Soleil with my mom and her fiancee. If I'm doing this at 40 and still single, feel free to openly question my sexuality.
• Ten Layer Cake at Gretzkey's
• Finally, the sweet embrace of unconsciousness...

Overall, not a bad time. Toronto is a great city, the Sox turned it around the next day, and our hotel was amazing. I wouldn't recommend going more than a day without sleep, but if you have to, this is a pretty kick ass way to spend it.

Fun in Horsham

Despite my best efforts, I've been unable to avoid the blogosphere for more than a couple weeks. Add to the fact that my many fans (many can be defined as more than 2, right?) have asked, nay, DEMANDED more posts, and everyone's favorite blogger is right back on track. How about we do this one Q&A style...

Dwight (of Dwight and Carol) writes: "I'm an old man and my days have been devoid of joy since you've stopped posting. Please, share some of your day-to-day exploits and help me make it to my 73rd year."

Well Dwight, what can I say. I just finished a 28 day road trip which I chased with an immediate jump back into the world of software security. Now, don't be jealous, it's not as glamorous as it seems - it's all hack this and break that, but not a whole lot more. Other than that, I've been filling my time with various pursuits of love, miracle cures, continued travels and the ever continuing research of my next auto to replace the trusty Saab.

"Wait", you may say. "Love? Miracle cures? More travels! NOT THE SAAB! Screw the Q&A - go into more details."

I'm not one to deprive my fans, so let's go at this one list style...

Pursuits Of Love?

Alright, lets not get ahead of ourselves on this one. Love is a wee bit strong, but I was somehow able to metaphorically club a lovely lady over the head and drag her home. My escape from the gorilla like clutches of singledom are no doubt due to a combination of my boyish good looks, awkward yet amusing mumblings, eloquent nature of speaking, and of course, this very blog.

Add to the fact that this is yet another 22 year old (I keep getting older, but they stay the same age!), and life isn't all that bad. At this point, I'm obliged to make three statements:

1. Sorry mom - I swear I was trying for an older one.
2. Sorry Mia Manda. Not sure for what yet, but I figure I should just throw it out there.
3. Sorry to everyone else - No naked photos to share. Yet.

I'll save the tales of romantic exploits for future posts, direct-to-VHS videos and family gatherings. Feel free to wonder aloud how I pulled this one off (and how far away she'll move once she comes to her senses...)

Ok, even a blind dog finds a bone sometimes. But what is this talk of miracle cures?

Upon returning to my humble abode (please note the irritated sarcasm on this one), I found my front door covered in monstrous weeds. Unfortunately, I decided that I should get my annual dose of manual labor in and started pulling like a three year old in need of a potty.

Now, in life, there are certain things that select groups of people can usually identify. Fat people always know when a golden corral is nearby. Pervs can usually find an adult superstore in less than 3 minutes on a Saturday evening. Frat boys can find a passed out sorority girl in mere seconds, and techies can find a Micro Center in a micro second (I know, lame). Unfortunately, I know of at least one person who should know what Poison Ivy looks like, but after 28 summers has yet to learn.

I'll not go into the details of puss drenched paper towels, hotel rooms covered in peeling skin, visits to urgent care and steroids that will not make me buff, but do want to share a couple little secrets. There are two products on the market that help remove urushiol from skin and speed the healing. They are called Tecnu Extreme and Zanfel. While they weren't a miracle cure for me, they did stop the oozing a few days early - just in time for me to visit Horsham and Toronto...

Toronto! Horsham? Do tell...

In the glamorous life of consulting, there are many travel opportunities. "Wow!" most people think "I'd love to travel!" Hey, so would I - to New York, Chicago, London, Paris - hell I'd even settle for Norway in the summer.

Unfortunately, I've spent months of my life in Montgomery, AL, Mechanicsburg, PA, Columbus, OH and now Horsham, PA. I shouldn't complain, but there is only such much to love about a Candlewood Suites with an over-amorous neighbor (the room is only home to one person - I asked), a recliner with a 3 inch hole to prove that, yes, they are in fact stuffed with real cotton, and remnants of the last 12 guests who showered in (and around) my bathroom.

Luckily, my stay in Horsham was extended by a day, therefore shortening my weekend visit to Toronto to see the Sox play. Now, my boss was cool about it, and my travel mates didn't seem to mind too much, but having to choose sitting in Horsham writing a blog over an extra night of Canadian stripper boobies in my face was not an easy decision. I guess I'll at least save a buck or two this way and hopefully make a few of you laugh.

And finally, the Saab...

It's a great car. The turbo is new, the seats comfortable, and the gas mileage great. But as another New England winter slowly creeps up on us and my disposable income taps on my shoulder, I've begun my search for a replacement. I really have no idea which way I want to go with this, so feel free to throw out a suggestion or two. Just remember that All Wheel Drive or Four Wheel Drive are required, I am cheap, and I'd prefer something that conveys my elevated level of masculinity.

And that is how I spend my life when I'm not driving around the country. I'll try to liven it up a bit, but can't make too many promises.

Until next time...

Days 25-26: What A Long Strange Trip It's Been*

After a couple victorious nights in Kansas City, I realized that I was ready for a return trip home. I was very tired. My car was somehow still running. I wanted to get dressed without having to lay on an air mattress. I'd not passed out, gotten arrested or broken international treaties at any point. Every memory was fond and most of the pictures great. Sure, I'd miss visiting a handful of friends in the greater DC area (big thanks to the Newdorfs for offering housing) and have to skip a couple more national parks, but it was time.

Bright and early on day 25 I jumped out of my tent and began the 22 hour drive from KC to Pelham, NH.

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I was determined to get home as quickly as possible, so sight seeing was kept to a minimum. I did make a couple observations though:

• There is actually stuff east of Kansas City. Between San Fran and KC there were about 12 gas stations total. East of KC there are towns every 15 miles. It was a comforting feeling.
• Traveling East of the Mississippi brings back the adult superstores. They are everywhere. The best are the ones with "Jesus Saves" signs right next to them. I'm not sure if this is a reference to a reborn savior or MLB relief pitcher, but apparently he is good at it one way or another.
• Sonic restaurants do actually exist. The commercials are all over the Northeast, but the restaurants aren't. Northeasterners will be glad to know that the midwest contains the majority of these deliciously greasy dining establishments.
• St. Louis scares me. I only drove through, but it looked kinda like a hole. Everyone I know from there chooses to work somewhere far away for 5 days a week. I'm sure it's a nice place, but the abandoned warehouses and run down buildings convinced me to shoot right through.

After a day and a half of driving with a brief stop in a Syracuse hotel (big thanks to MiaManda for keeping me awake on the phone until I got there), I was finally home. Luckily the drive was uneventful and quick. I figure this is the best place to share a few stats:

• State license plates seen (mostly by Janine): 49 - including a Hawaii one in Alaska. I have no idea how we missed West Virginia.
• Miles driven: 9,732 - plus several hundred more traveled by sea.
• Amount spent on gas: $1,504.92. Compare this to flight and car rental costs and the price of gas doesn't make me want to cry as much.
• States/Provinces Visited: 25. Maine, New Hampshire, Massachusetts, New York, Pennsylvania, Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin, Minnesota, South Dakota, Wyoming, Montana, Alberta, British Columbia, Alaska, Washington, Oregon, California, Nevada, Arizona, Utah, Colorado, Kansas, Missouri
• Girls convinced to go on a date because they like the blog: 1 (poor thing)
  

So this journey is over. I'm pretty excited to see what kind of trouble I get myself into in the future. I'd like to do another Q&A, so send the questions my way if you have them. I'll leave everyone with a before/after pic to show the effects that such a trip may have on you. Hope you enjoyed.

-Chad

After Vacation--->
<----Before Vacation

*Grateful Dead (duh)

Days 23-24: Sox in KC

I'd love to be creative and witty when writing about my trip from Denver to Kansas City, but I'm just not that good. I'll not kid my loyal readers (or myself), I was stopping in Kansas City for one reason only - to watch grown men run around in cotton-lycra blends, slap each other on the bum and get sweaty with each other in the triple digit heat.

Add to the fact that I was going on 3 (or was it 4?) days without clean underwear, and my whole impression of Kansas City is based on laundromats, campgrounds, Kauffman Stadium and fine dining establishments that charge less than $15 for a full meal.

So without further unnecessary rambling, here are my generalized impressions of Kansas City:

The roads out west are VERY straight

Seriously - look at this map. It is roughly 500 miles of a straight road that angles one degree this way or that at every 25 mile marker. This leads to a damn boring drive, but at least I had the Sox to welcome me once I arrived.

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This really is a Red Sox Nation

Nearly every place I went with my cap on - ballparks, stores, hiking trails, etc - I would get a "Go Sox!" welcome. People love everything about them: the story, the players, the winning ways (of late), the merchandising. Unfortunately, a KC fan was nice enough to point out that a majority of people at the ballpark were actually mid-western band wagon fans who couldn't name a player before 2002. To prove his point he asked a few groups what they liked about Mike Greenwell, with which he only received replies of blank stares and dodgy eyes.

It is perfectly acceptable to be a newer fan, but please identify yourself with a pink hat or at least try to avoid wearing old school jerseys if you don't know who actually wore that #9.

People west of the Mississippi love to hit my car

Yup, it happened once again. I was sitting in a parking lot (with one leg out my car door no less) and I got backed into. This isn't a huge deal since it was at about 2 miles an hour. What was a big deal was the octogenarian not realizing his auto was immobile due to its' being wedged against my bumper. Once he revved the engine three or four more times and slid my car forward about 4 inches, he apparently found just enough room to put his car in drive and glide away. I started to walk after him, but realized that backing into cars may be a sign that he may also drive into people. Just another war wound for the beast.

KC is a great place to watch baseball

The Royals fans are great. They know that they have a young, talented team which needs a few years to mature. They cheer hustle and good fundamentals. They don't boo poor plays or mental errors. The media presents the players in a good light and the players remain involved in the community. Definitely a good baseball town.

Fortunately, the fans don't flood the stadium each night, so tickets 5 rows behind the dugout were readily available for face value at the box office. Add that to consecutive 8-2 victories, great pulled pork and clean undies, and I had the time of my life in this soon to be renovated stadium.

Laundromats are confusing places

Why would anyone put a front load washer directly across from a top load one? Doesn't it just lead confused tech geeks to washing their clothes a total of 3 times before realizing that most dryers don't offer an option for the water temperature? $10 extra dollars and an hour later, I did finally figure out where the dryers were (luckily, right next to the Donkey Kong game) and within 45 minutes my bits and pieces smelled of a fresh Spring day.

After seeing 2 great games, I came to the realization that I was ready to head home. Up next - What A Long Strange Trip It's Been

Top 10 Web Sites

If you're seeing this post, it means I haven't had time to write in a day or so. Please enjoy until I find a much needed WiFi fix...

Have you ever opened up your browser history just for fun and learned something about yourself? I know, you'll say it was your brother/best friend/roommate looking at that site, but all those other ones still say something about you.

I decided to give this a try so if I'm ever asked, "What do you do at work all day?" by one of my superiors, I can give an honest answer to them. While this may not win me productivity points, I might be able to keep my job due to my combination of honesty and boyish good looks.

So here are the sites I'm willing to admit to. A few other showed up in my history that I don't quite recall visiting, but rest assured that I will investigate them fully and add to the list as necessary.

Reddit/Digg

If you don't know what these two sites are, take a look. They are full of tons of great links that can take you from 8am to noon every day without having to do one productive task. If you do know what they are, don't bitch about how much better one is than the other - it's a matter of preference (and Reddit is better).

Wikipedia

Need to win a bet that doesn't require a source with a high level of accuracy to win? Wikipedia's the site for you. You can find nearly any information you need here. What, it's not there? Then add it! You don't know if you're right? Don't worry, someone else will fix it for you.

The Trailer Park Boys

Have you ever driven by a trailer park? Maybe you've been spoiled living in the DC suburbs and want to see how the other half lives? This is the site for you. Possibly the best thing to come out of Canada since Alex Trebek, the Trailer Park Boys is smart comedy at it's best disguised as a COPS/The Office documentary style mash up.

xkcd

Some people seem to have it all: Their health, a great family, a big house and a lot of friends, but still complain about a feeling of emptiness deep down inside. Luckily, Randall Monroe has found a way to fill that void with the wit, sarcasm and humor that can only be conveyed through stick figures and a knowledge of all things geek that would make Linus Torvalds shake his head.

eHarmony/okCupid

So you want to meet the love of your life, but there is just too much competition when you're trolling the hobby shop, arcade and GameStop? I have the exact same problem - how weird! I've found these two are the best for meeting ladies with similar interests and goals. Don't worry, I know a lot of normal people that have had good luck too.

iGoogle

Not just Google, iGoogle! Your own personalized portal where you can view your Google Mail, read you Google Docs and RSS Feeds, and check your Google calendar. It's a one stop shop for providing all of your sensitive data to a bunch of super-thinkers in Silicon Valley.

CNN Money

Are you in an office pool to see who has lost the least money in their 401(k) this year? Check out the tickers on CNN Money. Maybe you've been living in a cave and are wondering about the state of the housing market. I think this site might have an article or two to fill you in.

MSN

Sick of those straight laced news sources like the BBC and Fox News that don't sensationalize*? Check out MSN. It will give you just enough celebrity gossip, dating/divorce tips and workout guides to give you something to discuss while drowning out the CNN feed blaring in the lunch room at work.
*If you don't get the partial sarcasm in this sentence, please never read this blog again.

Facebook

Remember that friend of a friend of a cousin that wore cute librarian glasses, graduated from some school in Boston and had a name that started with an S or T? Well, with a Facebook account, some creative search techniques and enough time, you can track her down. Luckily, it's a nice clean interface that hasn't quite reached "sketchy" status, so you don't feel like a stalker the whole time, just when you eventually find her. So I've been told.

Dirt Dogs/Red Sox Official Site

If you need to ask, you fall into one of two categories: You're either not a Sox fan, or you are a poser. For the former you can be forgiven, everyone makes mistakes. For the latter, you better step up to the plate or stop taking up precious seats at Fenway.

I'm On The Road: Time to Give Back

Howdy everyone,

I'm on the road again, so I haven't had time to write up the last few days. Now it's your turn to give back to my stalker community. Fill up that little comment box below with your favorite Chad story. Pretty much, use it as a repository for warning the FGOCs what they are getting into.

Please try to avoid saying how awesome I am - I figure there will be at least 3 or 4 more weddings where I can be toasted, so just save it for those. And have a little decency. I know plenty of stories exist, so write away...

-Chad

Day 22: Filth, Flam, Filth

Filth is a strange thing. Most of us will go well out of our way to avoid it, but once it happens we realize it isn't the most horrible thing (unless of course you're around other, cleaner people). Filth (NSFW) is probably the best way to describe my 8 hour drive to Denver.

The day saw me rise at 6 am still encrusted in the sweat, dirt and disgustingness brought about by a 3 hour hike in the Grand Canyon. Due to excessive lines at the canyon showers and a complete lack of showers in Zion, my bedtime odor was less than desirable. Needless to say, my morning stench was breathtaking (not in the good way) and I was wishing for a washing. To complicate the situation, I arose 2 hours before all the shower facilities in nearby Springdale opened and ended up driving about a hundred miles to the nearest KOA that offered $10 showers.

In most cases, the problem would be solved. Not for this bumbling fool though. I had passed up an opportunity to wash my clothes while in San Francisco since I thought I had plenty - and for some articles I did. If I only wore around hiking socks and sweatshirts, I would have been fine (I strongly advise against picturing that image). Unfortunately, other essentials such as underwear, shorts and t-shirts were needed. The end result was a unwashed, unshaven, disheveled fool going through a pile of sweat and dirt stained clothes and smelling them to see which pair of boxers and shorts were the least dirty ("most clean" was the original wording here, but that would have wrongly implied some cleanliness). Luckily for all the campers, I was doing this about 10 feet from the all -you-can-eat pancake breakfast, so all in all, I ruined about a dozen people's morning and still smelt of a baby's diaper. Not a bad couple of accomplishments before 9am.

Once my uncleanliness debacle was complete, I shot on up to I-70 for the 9 hour drive to Denver.

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Since this drive took up the majority of my day, I figured I should go into a little more detail about my Saab. This thing is a beast - it's going strong with 107,000 miles on it. It has great leather seats that I ripped from my brother's beater. The gas gauge doesn't work, only about half of the pixels displaying the time and radio station do (I always know how far past the hour it is, but not necessarily the hour itself), and at least one of the air conditioning fans is falling out of the casing. Overall, it's a pretty sweet ride. Of course, when you take a trip that has covered roughly 8,000 miles up to this point, even this classy auto is bound to get messy. I'll let the pictures do the talking:

The Front Seats

The Back Seat:

The Trunk:

As I approached Denver, I started looking for a place to do laundry. Then I spotted it. No, not the "Super Duper Watch Naked Coeds Wash Your Clothes For Free Laundromat". Nope, I spotted Coors Field, home of the Colorado Rockies. Needless to say, I had a dilemma - do I go another day without clean clothes, or do I miss the Rockies/Nats game?

It turned out to be one of the simpler choices I've ever made. Even though I ended up wearing the same underwear for 3 straight days and only lasted 4 innings at the game, it was a great time. The stadium is beautiful, security was super nice when they "randomly" searched me because I apparently fit some kind of profile, the beer was cheap ($5 for a Blue Moon) and the fans were somewhat knowledgeable of the game. Overall it was a great time and well worth stinking for another day or two.

After a few innings of Little League level ball (the Nats are THAT bad), I jumped back in the Saab and, ignoring the conventional wisdom, drove east. The Limon, CO KOA was nice enough to host me for a long 6 hours before I headed towards my next destination: Kansas City (and 2 Sox games!!!)

Day 21: The Grandest of Canyons

Last I reported in with my ever insulting fan base, I had driven nearly 800 uneventful miles across the Mojave desert in the middle of the night. The journey left me at a KOA just an hour short of the Grand Canyon with high hopes of an equally grand day.

The morn began with a quick tour of Williams, AZ through which the fabled Route 66 (where it is rumored you can get your kicks) runs through. The most amazing thing about Williams is how genuine the locals are - these are real cowboys at their best. I felt like I was at a denim, spur and 10 gallon hat convention. There was a rodeo. Everyone walked around with their thumbs in their belt loops. The men actually tipped their hats when ladies passed by. It was like my trip to Six Gun City when I was a wee lad, but with a higher temperature and a lower BMI.

After a delicious breakfast at the Pine Country Restaurant, I was ready to really start the day. Much to my chagrin, I soon learned that I was entering the park at noon on a Sunday (I'd kinda lost track of what day it was at this point) along with nearly every other vacationer in the world. Overall this was a very positive day, so I don't want to harp too much on my hatred towards the irritating people that make up about 90% of our population, but I figure I can squeeze a couple comments in:

• No, it's not horrible that you have to walk almost 200 yards to actually see the canyon.
• Also, your child probably shouldn't be chasing that king sized snickers with a 10 piece Kit-Kat.
• Really, it is ok to not push me while I'm in line for the bathroom.
• And finally, a 6 mile hike should not be done in a skirt and flip flops.

Now that my negativity towards tourists is out of the way (I'm one of the tolerable ones for the record), I can actually report on the Grand Canyon. This is one of the sights that was more impressive than I expected. It is wide. It is deep. It is colorful. It is hot. All in all, it is just amazing. In order to fully enjoy it in the few hours I had, I decided to hike part of the Bright Angel Trail (thanks for the tip Mom and Scott). This is an amazing trail that combines the beauty of the south rim with historic hieroglyphs and throws in a great workout to boot. I ended up going down to the 3 mile rest house and back (6 miles total) in a little over three hours. Other than donkey droppings here and there, it was an entirely enjoyable trip.

Once I triumphantly reached the trail head I decided to get ahead on my driving and head to Zion for the night.

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The desert drive was much like the others - boring, fast and uneventful. Luckily, the fuzz weren't out and I was able to get to Zion just before sunset. If this park is described as breathtaking in the day time, I have no idea how to describe it at sunset. The orange rock faces turn pink, the sky turns orange and nature seems to be working together to say "Screw IMAX, we got it all right here." The drive through the park took me about an hour, during which "Damn", "Jeezuz" and "Holy <insert your favorite naughty word here>" were uttered numerous times. As I've said before, the pics just can't do it justice, but I've posted a few anyway.

As the night grew old, I finally crashed at one of the Zion campgrounds. Unfortunately, the park doesn't provide showers and it was too dark to take a dip in the river. Added to the fact that I thought the lines were too long at the Grand Canyon to get a shower, and it goes without saying that I was very ripe. Some advice - if you ever find yourself in this position, just sleep in your Under Armour. Otherwise the odor brought about by a 3 hour hike in triple digit temperatures will escape, leading children to vomit, vultures to circle, and stoners to ask "What is that smell"?

Next stop in my travels: Denver

Day 20: Castro and Driving

Despite my friend Robert's best effort, my final day in San Francisco was less than eventful. Even with a visit to the Castro district I was unable to come up with a good story to end the second leg of my travels. (This may be one time that I am thankful for such a bland day).

After that stroll and a thorough APBA ass whooping, I was off to Williams, AZ in preparation for the Grand Canyon.

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I could go into detail of zipping through the Mojave Desert at high rates of speed, but three sentences should just about cover it: "I went fast. I nearly dirtied my Wonder Woman Underoos. I'm still alive."

So in order to keep you entertained, here is another Q&A session (and some completely unrelated pictures):

Why aren't you posting as often?
What can I say - I live an exciting life. Between rolling dice, viewing computers that are 40 years old and riding on ferries, I just can't seem to find the time. Actually - the trip back is in a shorter time span and there aren't as many campgrounds with internet access. I've actually gone a whole 2 days with no internet at one point - Egads! Don't worry - the days are being chronicled and will be posted soon. Until then, the few privileged with the knowledge of my phone number can call to get updates.

A man of such great masculinity and pure sexuality must require companionship on the road. How have you been fulfilling your manly desires?
Whoever asked this question knows me all too well. What can I say - some men have to carry greater burdens than others, and this is the life that has been chosen for me. I've become partial to interstate rest areas and the occasional truck stop - mostly because it costs me less than the brothels. Plus the post-coital bliss is intensified by the rounded bellies of big rig drivers.
(NOTE: If you've never met me - please read this again with the greatest sarcasm possible. If you're thinking of employing me and stumbled upon this blog - I guess I made that decision easy for you. Good luck filling the position.)

Is it lonely traveling alone?
Traveling with Scotty, Janine and Moose was awesome. They are among the few beings on this planet that have any tolerance for extended periods of time in my presence (and vice versa). I do miss the walkie-talkie conversations and discussions on the origin of life, globalization and flatulence, but am coping well without them. Luckily I have made some GREAT changes to the schedule that have left me too excited to be lonely - check back soon for details (If you are an English teacher, this could be used for your discussion on foreshadowing - it could also get you early retirement.) Seriously though - no, it's not that bad.

How's the facial hair going?
You be the judge (and be more Paula than Simon...)

Did you go to the original Starbucks?
I tried to go to the one in Pike Place Market, which I believe is the original. The line was literally out the door with people looking like they hate the Starbucks stereotypes and just happened to stop by that one. I figured one more irritated jackass was unnecessary so I went and grabbed some gelatto instead.

Is your dating life that bad that you're mother is pimping you out in the comments of your blog?
I wish I could say no...

What's it like?/You think I should do it?/Are you enjoying it?

• It's like what it sounds like - something different everyday followed by lots of driving. The stories are as good as you're willing to make them - it's a lot easier to ignore a German lady straddling you than it is to make light of the situation.
  
• If you like having no real plans, eating up your savings at a good rate (don't worry - I'm nowhere close to broke - I still have a few McDonald's coupons left), showering in locker rooms, living in a constant state of sweat and just not giving a sh*t, then it might be for you. This is a much larger conversation.
  
• And yes, I'm having a decent time. It will only get better in the coming days.

Fat Man Singing

If you're seeing this post, it means I haven't had time to write in a day or so. Please enjoy until I find a much needed WiFi fix...


A huge part of my running and work out schedule is the music I listen to. I will spend literally hours making new play lists when my current one gets stale. It's something that was passed down from my mother after watching her work on aerobics tapes, and I've definitely got to thank her for that some day.

But enough of the chit-chat. Here are 25 of my favorite work out songs for your enjoyment. Feel free to post your own:

Warm Up:
Semi-Charmed Life - Third Eye Blind - 4:29
Baba O'Riley - The Who - 4:14
Carolina Blues - Blues Traveler - 4:43
Peaches - The Presidents Of The United States Of America - 2:52

Setting Your Pace:
Underground - Ben Folds Five - 4:11
Rockin' The Suburbs - Ben Folds - 4:59
Everlong - Foo Fighters - 4:10
Such Great Heights - The Postal Service - 4:27
Feel Good Inc. - Gorillaz - 3:41
The Rockafeller Skank - Fatboy Slim - 6:56
That Was A Crazy Game Of Poker (Live Version) - O.A.R. - 12:52
Machinehead - Bush - 4:16
When You Were Young - The Killers - 3:40

Really Pushing It:
Smooth Criminal - Alien Ant Farm - 3:29 - Yup, this is a Michael Jackson cover
Somebody Told Me - The Killers - 3:18
Headstrong - Trapt - 4:46
Song 2 - Blur - 2:01
Mr. Brightside - The Killers - 3:43
Everything Zen - Bush - 4:38
Chop Suey! - System of a Down - 3:31
All These Things That I've Done - The Killers - 5:02

Cool Down:
Mr. Jones - Counting Crows - 4:32
Brian Wilson - Barenaked Ladies - 4:45
DARE - Gorillaz - 4:04
Snow (Hey Oh) - Red Hot Chili Peppers - 5:35


And believe it or not, I actually use iTunes to get my music. No Russian websites, CD swapping rings or BitTorrent for me.

Days 18 and 19: Silicon Valley

I've been lucky enough to have traveled to San Francisco a few times recently, so I've done a lot of the touristy stuff - I've seen the Giants and A's play. I've gone to Fisherman's Wharf, and the Arcade Museum, seen the rolling hills, etc. This time around, I wanted to make it a little different - a true geek's trip to Silicon Valley. Luckily there was plenty of geekdom to go around...

First stop, the Golden Gate Bridge. There is nothing geeky about this, but it is an amazing view. You don't realize how large it is, how orange it is, or how fast cars are moving across it until you walk underneath it. There are great parks on either side that you can walk around and get some good pictures while fighting for position with all the other tourists. Best of all - it's free (minus the $5 toll to go across). Definitely worth the trip.

Next Stop - Peet's Coffee. I'd heard how good the coffee was, and that the prices were a bit more friendly to the change purse. It wasn't until I tried the Dark Chocolate Mocha Freddo that I was in love. The flavor is better. The consistency was more thorough. The people were nicer (if you can believe that) and the internet more free. It was amazing. I went back twice more in the 24 hours since my first visit and was even more impressed each time. I haven't blinked since. This is one of Northern California's hidden gems.

Round 3 - Baseball Indulgence. My friends Dwight and Carol (I hope that they are willing to admit that at least) were nice enough to offer up their spare bedroom. In exchange, I offered my charming company and rugged good looks for their enjoyment, but made them promise no touching. Luckily, they agreed, and we had a grand old time. Outside of some of my family members, I don't know if there is a better couple to watch Baseball Tonight with. Dwight just knows it all - how to play the game, how to watch the game, how to pick up on the little things - it is a great time.

And for any little thing that Dwight might miss, Carol jumps right in to help out. Outside of Boston, there aren't many people that can appreciate Jason Bay going from first to third on a single, but she can - and she can explain why that makes him an upgrade over Manny.

Ready for some hardcore Geekdom??? During this two day span, I took the opportunity to do a little sight seeing off the beaten path. First I hit up the Google and Apple HQs. Not surprisingly, they don't offer tours (there isn't much that is exciting about watching programmers do their thing), but in between I found a gem of unexplainable magnitudes. Of course, I'm talking about the Computer History Museum.

I don't know where to start. There were pictures of Hewlett and Packard. Woz and Jobs. Fred Brooks as a young man. There was an original wooden mouse, gadgets galore, a handful of original Crays, and to top it all off an exhibit of chess simulators and games. Seriously - when I used to get yelled at when I was young, it was not for having nudie magazines, but for having wrinkled, dog-eared tech manuals. Ok, not really, but I am that geeky.


Know what we're missing? A Trailer Park Boys Reference! If you aren't familiar with the Trailer Park Boys and you've ever lived in, on, under or around a trailer, you need to be. The show is genius. Now imagine my delight when I saw a town named Sunnyvale only a few miles south of San Mateo. I was shocked. I was awed. I might have soiled myself a little. Needless to say, I went straight to the courthouse. No Ricky, Bubbles, Julian or Randy, but the picture is priceless in certain circles.


Just one more thing - APBA!!! The whole point of my stop in San Francisco (other than seeing my friends) was to play APBA against those very same friends. There is no doubt that I will dedicate an entire post to this genius of a game, but suffice it to say that it is roughly a mixture of Dungeons and Dragons and Fantasy Baseball. After an 8 game split with Dwight I learned several secrets to managing a winning team. Hopefully I can take his knowledge to aid in my future NVABL domination.

Finally, a couple random notes:

• How awesome is it that Apple's HQ is on a road called "Infinite Loop"? VERY
• I actually told a female about APBA and she didn't scoff. She might just be trying to be nice, but that is the first time it's ever happened.
• Google has a cool parking garage where certain hybrid owners can actually plug in their cars to charge. Pretty neat.
• They also have a service where you can get your oil changed in the parking lot while you work. Right on Daddy-O.
• Finally, I have a handful of confirmed stalkers that actually enjoy the blog. I'm really sorry to disappoint all of you, but I'm a lot cooler in the blog-o-sphere than I am in real life. Prepare for the let down of a life time if you ever meet me - just try not to cry in front of me because then I'll feel bad...
• (One more small thing - I jest. If you read a sentence I've written and think "Awww...that's sad", then you need to improve your reading comprehension. I enjoy self deprecating humor, so that's how I write. Trust me - I'm really a cocky bastard in real life. Or maybe I'm just crying out for attention...)
  

Next stop...The Grand Canyon.

Day 17: Driving Down the 101 (Part 2)

I started writing this vacation blog for 3 reasons:

1. Reading past travel journals is always fun for me.
2. It helps in retelling the same story over and over.
3. My memory for relevant events (such as the answer to the question of "What did you do for 30 days?") is nearly non existent.

After reading the original post for this day, the third reason above was plainly obvious. Not only was it short and very boring, but it missed nearly every event that went on during the day:

Cliff Climbing in the Morning

Now, I don't want to make this sound like I was solo climbing shear vertical surfaces. These were simply some sandy cliffs that were on the edge of the beach, but they were sandy and steep enough to give me a good hour long workout. Climbing is always a blast because it gives me a reason to travel on all fours like my primitive cousins. Also, most people are too lazy to climb, so I don't have to listen to the other idiot tourists debate the quality of Wendy's over McDonald's while I try to relax.

More Massive Trees

These redwoods are huge. Luckily, every town has a salesman that is trying to attract tourists, so there are places to stop where you can drive through a tree, see a full house made of a tree, eat next to a tree, or set a tree on fire. I only got to experience one of these, with somewhat unappealing results...

Being a Good Samaritan Doesn't Always Pay

There are some things in life you just don't see very often, but when you do, you know something is wrong. Sometimes it is a person with a blue face or a car turned upside down. I never even considered this sight though: Stoners running as fast as their legs would take them with no frisbees to be seen floating through the air. The reason became clear almost immediately: There was a redwood tree stump on fire and their stuff was very near by.

Being the good, upstanding guy that I am (and still a little bitter from the fires that canceled my trip to Yosemite) I decided to stop and try to dump a few bottles worth of water on the flames. After a minute or two of pouring and refilling in a nearby brook, firefighters showed up to save the day and sent us all on our way. Luckily, karma decided to give me a good kick in the crotch while I was trying (poorly, mind you) to be a hero. Another good Samaritan decided that he should park next to my car. Unfortunately, his definition of "next to" was "where the Saab's bumper used to be before he hit it".

What can I say - if this is the worst auto trouble I have this trip, I am a lucky man. No one was hurt, the damage was minor, and the forest is not on fire. I really can't ask for much more.

Finding a Campground

Up until this point, finding a campground has been pretty easy. I've been sleeping hundreds of miles away from anything remotely resembling civilization, so I've had my choice of places to set up my blue floral tent (thanks for that one mom - the girls really dig it). Unfortunately once you get near San Francisco, the campgrounds become more sparse and a little more work is required. One little hint though - always check for campgrounds in the town 10 miles away before you try to drive 2 hours out of the way. Usually you just waste two hours of your life (as I did) although the driving is beautiful.

Ultimately I ended up using GOOG-411 to find the Cloverdale, CA KOA. It was a bit more expensive, but I did get a powered site with running water, free internet and an attendant that gave me a tour of the place on a golf cart in the middle of the night. Don't think that going over a 3 foot drop that you don't see in one of those babies isn't a good time.

So despite a car accident and a two hour detour, it was a nice, relaxing day of driving.


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Up next - Silicon Valley (think processors, not implants)

Day 16: Driving Down the 101 (Part 1)

Throughout my recent travels I've started to become a bit of a campground aficionado. Just by hearing the name of the place or seeing a highway sign, I can usually tell if it's worth stopping or not. For example, anything with "RV Park" in the title is a trailer park that has a few extra spots open. Family campgrounds (or "Kampgrounds" - which target either Germans or poorly educated schoolchildren) usually have a pool and arcade. State parks often have pay showers and limited amenities, but are very well maintained.

During these travels I've also noticed that the setting of the sun brings an onslaught of slightly disturbing sounds. These sounds are very distinctive and fall into a couple buckets:

• The fighting couple (as previously seen on COPS)
  
• The drunk 20 something cross country bicyclists
  
• The drunk 50 somethings celebrating the one week each year when they stay up after 9pm
  
• Kids - crying, screaming, making gun sounds, teasing, etc
  
• The over amorous couple

Now, most of those I can tolerate and drown out with my iPod. The over amorous couple is probably the most disturbing since I usually know what they look like, and such hideous beasts should never be allowed to take part in activities that may result in even uglier offspring (except for myself of course).

Luckily, the Emerald Forest campground had four of the five groups and provided the added benefit of situating them in sites immediately adjacent to mine. This resulted in a real life Venn diagram centered around my campsite. Luckily, with a WiFi connection, YouTube and headphones I was able to get to coax myself to sleep.

Up until this point, the day was much better than the combination of screaming children, drunken foreigners and mating mutants (reminding me that, yes, I am still very single) to which I fell asleep.

After a long, dark drive through the hills of Oregon the previous evening, I had ended up at Honeyman State Park, which is in an area known for its' sand dunes. Most people attack these dunes with four wheelers or dirt bike, but I decided to take to the sand by foot. A word of warning - this is probably the most intense workout I've ever had. For every foot and a half that you step forward you slide back a foot and into the sand another 6 inches. This path took me over 20 minutes to create, but only about 30 seconds to go down the other side of the hill.




Of course, such effort usually leads to a great reward. The image of trees springing from the dunes leads to a combination of awe and confusion that images can't capture (but I'll try to show you anyway).

This inspired me to get artsy and stage some candid photos, which I've titled "Contemplation in Yellow". This is part of my "Chad is a Tool" line which will be available at finer drug and convenience stores everywhere in time for Christmas.


After washing the sand from my mouth, hair, shoes, crevices, etc, I hopped in my car for a quick 11 hour drive to Yosemite. Unfortunately, the wildfires there have intensified, and I make it a point not to visit places where there is a decent chance of burning to death. Instead, I altered my course for a rambling 2 day drive down the historic route 101. This is a hair pinned path down the California coast that dwarfs you by redwoods on one side while allowing you to see the ocean 500 feet below you on the other.

Overall - a nice, relaxed day of driving, stopping and picture taking.

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I'm bummed that I missed Yosemite and the hiking that it offers, but Redwood National Park was a great drive with amazing views. Luckily there were plenty of cozy places to pull over and contemplate the day...


Next - Route 101 - Day 2