My Resolutions

Ok, I know I've been out of the loop for a while, but that's what happens when you're traveling to DC to see friends run marathons (great job Tim H!), grinning through weddings (congrats Karla and Ryan), winning dodgeball titles (go Innies and Outies!) and celebrating the holidays (in one case until a certain fiancee of my mother's started Christmas morning filling the toilet bowl from the wrong end).

Anyway, I have been inspired by several Men's Journal articles to create a 12 step resolution plan that should guarantee me some fun, exercise and reason for me to get out of the house. Here we go...

1. Play 18 (poorly) at Sugarloaf
Having tortured my bro, Sterl and the two Tim's through numerous heinous rounds at Pelham International, I figure that it's time for a go on a real course. Sure it's expensive, but it will give me a reason to curse, drink and enjoy the Maine summer air for a weekend.


2. Climb Mt. Washington
Mt. Monadnock is a great climb, but there are only so many times a worthless soccer mom can call you fat on the mountain before you want to find another overly populated climb. Being that Mt. Washington is big, nearby, somewhat famous and easy to find, it will have to do.


3. Pass out in Montreal
I'm starting to realize that big cities are about more than airports and boring museums. What better way to associate with some French Canadians than to drink, gamble and see boobies in their crown jewel of a city? Hopefully I'll have several co-drinkers, co-gamblers and co-boobie gazers to help drag me back to the hotel.


4. Climb Katahdin
While I may have spent 18 years of my life in Maine, they were as an awkward, morbidly obese, socially inept teen. Now that I'm only slightly obese, can fake my way through small talk, have pared down my awkward rate count to about 12 occurrences a day and actually enjoy hiking, I plan to return to my homeland for a day long hike up the large piece of granite.


5. Acadia on Bike
My one previous experience at Acadia was as a 10 year old hocking loogies into the water until a disgusted elderly woman (probably 40 years old or so) got irritated and asked me to stop. I've only heard great things about the park and have seen some amazing photos, so what better way to see as much as possible than on the back of a Holmes powered bicycle?


6. Drive the Kancamagus (during the day)
I've driven the twisting, dipping, moose-laden scenic byway once in my life. At night. During a snowstorm. With one headlight. Yeah, it was a great trip. I figure I should give the world famous road another shot and drive it on a bright, sunny day.


7. Hike the Appalachian Trail
Technically this will be covered by hiking Katahdin and Washington, but I figure I should see a different part of the trail. Maybe I'll spend a long weekend in a nice part of Virginia or experience Tennessee for the first time. Either way, a day or two on the trail should be a nice escape from reality.


8. Ben & Jerry's Factory Tour
Most of the items on this list involve some type of exercise. What better way to offset hours of walking, hiking, biking and running than to tour a factory dedicated to creating a snack of such delicious proportions that I will choose it over a flatulence free evening. For the record, my favorite is Peanut Butter Cup.


9. Kayak Winnipesaukee
The lakes region is crawling with New Hampshire celebrities trying to get away from it all for a week - what better way to spy on them than by kayak? Luckily, my saintly mother bought me a brand new kayak for Christmas (which I promptly used to shatter my windshield). Hopefully I can spy a celeb of Sandler-esque proportions.


10. Play in the Bethel Snow - With Snowshoes
Anyone can go to Sunday River for a weekend and strap on a pair of skis, but few avoid the long lines, screaming children and Massholes by strapping on snowshoes. Fortunately, it is an affordable endeavor that can be followed with scorpion bowls at the Matterhorn.


11. Cooperstown, Yet Again
Cooperstown is about as perfect as a place can get. A picturesque lake, bustling main street, and plenty of good food - there are few places left like it. Of course, the Baseball Hall of Fame helps in the allure, as does the constant stream of childhood heroes which it promises. The brief 4 hour trip from scenic Pelham, NH makes it an easy target for a weekend trip.


12. Run the Beach to Beacon
My running has been cut back quite a bit lately for various reasons. What better way to get back into it than to train for an easy distance (10k) on a great course and the promise of several fellow Skowheganites who are willing to participate. 165lbs, here I come!

So there you have my list. If you're interested in coming along for one (or more) trips, just drop me a line. I'll be sure to update the blog with pictures, stories and poison ivy related updates as the year goes on.

Happy Holidays!

-Chad

My New Whip (Know What I'm Sayin?)*

If you've spoken with me, read my blog or been in the same area code as me in the last 15 months, you are well aware that I've been on the hunt for a new car. Not that the Saab was a bad ride, but a man with my power (uh?), wealth ("at least $10 million" according to Yogan) and great social standing (several people from Southern NH know I exist) requires an auto of the highest quality.

Being that I am somewhat cheap and tend to over analyze everything I do (you don't want to know what goes through my head after a first date), picking a car, dealership, salesman, trim, add-ons, and financing plan was a huge undertaking. Among my requirements were the following:

• A car I can beat up - The Saab is dinged beyond belief. The new car must be able to handle my man-child clumsiness.
• Something that can haul a decent amount of cargo - It has to fit golf clubs, a bike, skis and several drunken 1998 Maine Class A basketball championship team members. All at once.
• An auxillary input jack - I MUST be able to listen to my iPod without changing the radio station every 10 minutes.
• AWD/4WD - Believe it or not, NH and ME get nasty in the winter, especially at Sunday River. It must get me there and back no problem.
• A sun roof - I'm a diva. No reason other than the fact I like them.
• A decent sleeping area - Between my XC journey and a couple nights in Boston, I realized the importance of a comfortable area to rest my eyes for several hours.
• Decent gas mileage - At least 20mpg combined
• Something as sexy as its' owner - This is self explanatory and goes without saying.

With those requirements in mind I started researching. And test driving. And doing more research. Then calling dealerships. Then interviewing salesmen (seriously). Then even more research. When all was said and done, there were a handful of small SUVs pushed to the way side:

• Jeep Patriot and Compass (horrible drive, kinda for chicks who like chicks)
• Toyota RAV4/Honda CR-V (every one I asked said "Oh, my mom loves hers")
• Subaru Forrester/Outback (too expensive, again for chicks who like chicks)
• Ford Escape/Explorer (didn't like the drive that much)
• Another Saab (Saab + GM = $40,000 worth of garbage)
  

In the end, all signs pointed to the Honda Element. It carries cargo well. It has a nice ride. There is a sunroof in the back for some reason. The seats actually turn into a bed. And the kicker - you can spray the inside down when it gets covered in unidentifiable liquid/solid combinations.

So without further adieu, my new Element:




If you're in the Southern NH area and are looking to buy an Element (or any other Honda), let me know. The good folks at Peter's Honda never once made me feel uncomfortable, never tried any funny business, and gave me a great deal. Big thanks to Matt and the rest of the team there.


*Yet another TPB reference. Please watch with a native Skowheganite if you haven't already.

Google Analytics - Take 2

In an attempt to amuse those that know most of my stories before I post them, I decided I should come up with a brand new post whose details have yet to leak to my numerous fan forums or be scribbled on bathroom stall walls. Seeing as how I'm not skilled in fictional literature and my Q&A pool has dried up, I've decided to go to one of the hidden gems I've discovered through this blog - Google Analytics.

As you may recall from previous posts, there are a few pieces of info collected by Google Analytics that I find interesting such as visits per day (around 8 - thanks a lot for the support you bums) and referring sites (yet another shout out to the McGarrys for the traffic they send my way). The two pieces of info I find of utmost interest are where people are viewing from, and what they are searching for that leads them to me.

So a little rundown of where people are stalking me from:

Manchester, NH

34 visits in the last month. Between MiaManda and the dodgeball teammates, I'm getting a few hits.

Sterling, VA

A distant second at 17 as co-workers and friends stalk me, my facial hair and that beaver like hair do I was carrying around.

NYC

Ummm, no idea who has tracked me down 9 times. If you find my blog more interesting than all of NYC around you, please let me know. I'm honored and sad for you at the same time.

From there it dwindles down to a few visits from locations that can be easily attributed to family members, random acquaintances, and those that kinda want to know what I'm up to but can't stand the thought of listening to a rambling 45 minute soliloquy over a crappy cell phone connection.

Oddly enough, I'm starting to get some international fans as I've had hits from Canada, England, Germany and Romania. Glad I can further perpetuate the horrible American image for them.

And now, without further ado, everyone's favorite subject...search terms that have lead to Fat Man Running...

• "Badlands Running" - Not too bad. Kinda glad I can be associated with that search.
• "Dangers of iliteracy" [sic] - Ummm...I don't know whether to laugh or cry at the irony.
• "Fat waddle" - I'm a little offended, but I can understand the connection.
• "Fat man running photo" - Really?
• "Fatman in lycra" - Come on now.
• "Fat guy humping diaper" - Just why?
• And the best - "Old big fat man to man massage in london" - Seriously, who is f'ing with me? This isn't funny.

I will leave you with those deeply disturbing thoughts of fat men in various stages of undress, physical activity and lubrication. God help us all...

Halloween '08

Just a quick update on Halloween: The Maine crew is in to the Trailer Park Boys as much now as ever. In homage to this genius of a show we decided to imitate them to the best of our abilities:




















Maybe not 100% accurate, but pretty damn close. We missed out on J-Roc who had to cancel at the last second, but were lucky enough to have MiaManda there as Sarah, Melissa as some kind of prostitute, and Danielle as a more mature (and freakishly realistically pregnant looking) Ellen Page to make the night plenty of fun.


Always remember: A dope trailer is no place for a kitty.

Finally Growing a Pair

As some of you may know, I'm a bit weak when it comes to standing up for myself. In what I consider a very unfunny joke, I believe my parents sat down soon after my birth and decided that they should produce two humanesque creatures who they would breed with the sole purpose of using me as a verbal and physical sparring partner. Luckily, I'm fairly jovial when it comes to such activities and am able to take most of it in good fun.

Over the last several years I've come to realize that while such activities are entertaining among family members (the blood type, not those you are legally bound to until the NH judicial system grants you that sweet, sweet taste of freedom), it is not so good when dealing with most other people. In fact, a certain cell phone company (which rhymes with 'Mint') recently decided to extend my service plan for over a year without my consent. Normally, you are at their mercy and have no recourse other than days spent screaming on the phone at low paid customer service reps, so I was not optimistic about my original end date being hononred.

Luckily I found this equivalents to this particular carrier's thermal exhaust port - the Better Business Bureau and the FCC. It turns out that both companies act as watchdogs over the cell phone industry and don't take kindly to activities which pry on individual consumers. Less than 24 hours after fililng complaints with both organizations, not only was my original contract honored, but an apology was provided and all blame was accepted by the carrier at hand.

So the long and short of it is, honor your end of the contract and you have people in your corner to help ensure the big bad cell phone companies honor theirs.

Up next: Off to Portland for Halloween to act as an idiot savant who loves kitties and lives in random structures with great degrees of mobility...

Big Birthday Thanks!

I figured I should give a shout out to everyone that helped with my kick ass birthday weekend. It was by far the best since the infamous 13 year old ball of rotundness that was me did a seated shirtless dance on video resulting in still jiggling moobs

So for everyone that texted, left facebook messages, sent emails or gave phone calls - Thanks!

Special thanks to Hayes, Brett and MiaManda for plying me with five dollar pitchers, a perfect view of the mechanical bull, and by far the best homemade cake ever. This 43,521 calorie creation of pure pumpkin spice and peanut butter deliciousness may never be topped (or leave my colon).

Deliciousness by MiaManda

Don't Stop Believing

The MLB post season is amazing. Money and egos go out the window and everything comes down to who plays better, harder, smarter and makes fewer mistakes.

Unfortunately, with the MLB post season comes the many irritants that seem to repeat themselves year after year after year. Here are the things that have begun to chap my arse this post season:

Baseball Tonight without Harold Reynolds

I know, I know. He was allegedly slapping asses and grabbing the ladies down in Bristol and deserved to be fired. But really, Gammons, Kruk, Kurkjian and Ravich have tried to fill the hole he left with no luck. I'd wish that we were back in the 60s so such actions could be swept under the carpet, but the same ignorance that allowed sexual harassment would have also kept him off tv.

Unenthusiastic Players

I've never held back my great displeasure with J.D. Drew. He is lazy, always hurt, slammed by La Russa and is as charismatic as my refrigerator. Just moments ago he hit a walk off single to top off a come back from 7 down. He sounded about as enthusiastic as I will on the morning of my first colonoscopy. Unfortunately it seems that Jay Bay is following in his footsteps when it comes to showing any emotion whatsoever.

Tim McCarver/Joe Buck

Could there be a more awful game calling duo out there? Joe Buck has two things going for him: his dad's legacy and his voice. His condescending attitude is apparent within 2 minutes of the first pitch and his inability to criticize any umpires, managers or MLB executives is reaching legendary proportions. God forbid a ball bounces three times and is called a strike - he might actually have to acknowledge an ump's mistake!

The NFL has realized that Buck is a dud and have attempted to make it right by pairing him with Troy Aikman. Unfortunately MLB has done just the opposite and teamed him with Tim McCarver, who makes Joe Morgan look like a master orator. McCarver seems to make a game of each broadcast where he throws a bunch of baseball phrases in a hat and just pulls from it at random times. Paying him to speak makes as much sense as paying me to walk around shirtless.

A Lack of Remy/Orsillo Giggle Fits

There is nothing better than coming home on a Tuesday night, turning the Sox on, and listening to Rem-Dog and Don giggle like school girls on Valentine's Day. These attacks usually last an inning or two and make no sense, but are too funny to get irritated by.

Other than that, this has been a pretty good post season so far. It'd be great to see Amalie Benjamin and Rem-Dog get the nationwide airtime that Orsillo has, but I'm sure that will come in time.

A picture is worth...

A quick run down of life recently - I'll keep it short:

• The hair is long. As is the beard. Some may say Uni-bomber-esque.
• My fantasy football team (Chady's Buckets) is kicking some ass. I think it is because of the team uniforms.
• The girl has yet to wisen up, so she's still around.
• And life of late is resembling the former phrase of my blog title rather than the latter.

Luckily, this has all been captured in one glorious photo:
Ta ta for now...

-Chad

The Dangers of Literacy

As most of my loyal readers know, any discussions of my past romantic relationships (serious or otherwise) tend to be brief and elicit sympathetic words of encouragement and awkward pats on the back. There is no need to get too detailed, but if you were keeping count, you'd have yet to reach the second hand (and if you are starting to keep count, please start with your longest finger).

For some reason, most of the ladies involved in these joint ventures have been strong-willed to the point that even Ruth Bader Ginsburg would take a look at them and say "Damn girl, lighten up a bit. Give that man a break." Fortunately, the current girl is much more on the feminine side and does all those great girly things like being nice and smelling good that you would expect from someone you're dating*.

Unfortunately, with more feminine lady friends there also come thoughts, actions and reading material that are completely foreign to me. The latest addition to this list was a little magazine called Cosmopolitan.

At first glance, the mag seems to be completely harmless. The colors are bright, the font is big and the girls pretty. Unfortunately, there is a nasty secret hidden in the glossy, strawberry scented pages. After immersing herself for what may have been hours, I expected MiaManda to come out with comments like "Ooooh, now I can make you even better pies!", or "You were right, I should question you less and follow your requests blindly."

Instead, I was hit by a barage of questions that even my naivety flagged as dangerous if answered. Gents, if at any time you are asked any of the following, I suggest faking a seizure. If you're dating a health care professional, hit your head on the desk until a real one occurs:

• What do you think of this lingerie (pointing to a hot, scantily clad 83 pound model wearing a shoelace and cotton ball)?
• Do you think (insert anything here) would help our romantic life?
• Isn't she cute (pointing to any other female over 16 years old)?
• Want to hear what is on the list of the 423 things happy couples do that we don't?
• Want to take this quiz with me?

You may laugh, but when the articles carry the titles of "Him and His Friends: How to Properly Insert the Wedge", "That Bitch! How to Get Back at Your Best Friend" and "Testicles: How to Properly Remove, Mount, and Place Over the Mantel", you have to realize the odds are stacked against you.

I'm sure this is a great magazine, but fellas, if you have it laying around your house, make this the time to become a pyromaniac. The court costs might be through the roof, but you'll never have to take the "How much does he really love you?" test.




*For the record, she can be a be-atch if necessary. I once watched her nearly slap the shit out of some douche that had 70 pounds on her. I also got a disapproving look when I strode in front of a fan pointing in her direction, braced myself and sent a Holmes fueled symphony of flatuance her way. But I digress...

Like Woah and OMFG

Despite what some may think, I don't squeal like a school girl on Valentine's day very often. Sure, I may perk up when Carolina signs another All American or I solve a problem on Project Euler, but rarely does an audible screech escape from my lips.

This was not the case early last evening. An event of such great historical importance, epic proportions and unpredictability was announced that had anyone dared dream of it, they would have been engulfed in a straight jacket and whisked away to a state run rehabilitation facility in a matter of seconds.

No, Bill O'Reilly has not admitted that his show is done in jest. Nor has Fox "News" fessed up to being little more than entertainment for the feeble minded. And god no, I'm not getting married (again).

In fact, it was announced that MySpace is going to broadcast the first Ben Folds Five reunion in nearly a decade from their old stomping grounds (and mine) - Chapel Hill. If you've never been engulfed in giddiness, elation, and euphoria all at once, you should try it. It's like having a million little fingers massage your whole body while nude angels frolic in a baby oil pool for which you are the life guard.

Add this great news to the fact that fall is quickly descending upon us, Pumpkin Spice Lattes are back at Starbucks, I have two great Fantasy Football teams and MiaManda is surprising me with an early birthday present this week and the last couple of days have been quite fun despite the best efforts of life's little PITAs.

A couple one liners for ya:

• If your water heater has a 6 year warranty, be assured that it will explode at 6 years and 2 months.
  
• Golf is addicting. Even more so if you're awful.
• If anyone needs to get in touch with Satan herself, let me know. I have that pain in the ass' contact info.
• I propose that the AL MVP vote is fixed so as to allow Pedroia and Youkilis to split it.
• The mop top has gone about 4 months without so much as a trim. Don't worry, I'm still stunningly handsome.
• The poison ivy is finally gone. Please do enjoy my documentation of it's disgustingness.
  

Finally, a little teaser to get you to check back in a few days. There will soon be photo evidence of pussy-whipped-ness to a degree which has never been seen before. Not to spoil the surprise, but it involves fantasy football, co-managers and official team uniforms...

My Man Crush: Ben Folds

In case you didn't know, Ben Folds' newest album - Way To Normal - hits shelves exactly one month from today. This is likely to be the musical highlight of my year. The singles I've heard are eccentric, upbeat, honest and obscene - everything I've come to expect from Mr. Folds. Add to that a duet with Regina Spektor, leaked tracks (both real and fake) by the man himself, a YouTube contest for covers of his songs and a stop motion video written about a tumble in Japan, and this appears to be another entry in my line of worn out Folds related CDs.

So for those of you who have yet to become obsessed with the oft-wed pianist (4 and counting!) and those of you who have an obsession to his music as equally unhealthy as my own, here are 10 Ben Folds related videos for your listening (and viewing) pleasure:

Best Song (In My Opinion) - Underground



Best Use of Keytar - Rockin' The Suburbs



Best Nonsensical Title - One Angry Dwarf And 200 Solemn Faces



Best Sing Along - Army



Best Cover by Ben - Careless Whisper (w/Rufus Wainwright)



Best Cover of Ben - The Last Polka

Piano - Mike Stein
Drums - Justin Bulava
Vocals (grey) - Lauren Fairweather
Vocals (yellow) - Nina Jankowicz


Most Depressing Lyrics - Brick



Best (and only) Sports Song - Boxing



Best Song That Makes You Say REALLY? - Bitches Ain't Shit (NSFW) (Dr. Dre Cover)

(Fast forward to the 2 minute mark - it's worth it)


Best Song About Dating Your Daughter's Friend - Karaoke Supernova/Hiro's Song

The 40 Hour Day

Every now and then I have a week at work where I can just step back on Friday afternoon and say "Damn, I got a ton done." Don't get me wrong, this doesn't happen very often, but when it does I'm always taken aback.

Of course, I never really tried 40 consecutive hours of activity - until last weekend. Since my nude modeling career has yet to take off, work is still a necessity, and unfortunately it bungled up my personal plans once again. While some of the fun stuff got thrown out the window (the only nipples I saw that weekend were my own), I did have quite the day (or two):

• Wake up in the Philly suburbs. Wash vigorously.
  
• Complete a REALLY cool work assignment. No small governments were overthrown.
• Drive through beautiful downtown Philadelphia. I'm still awaiting the results of the TB test.
  
• Spend an hour in a fiberglass tube which zooms you to Boston at 350mph.
• Have a delicious Quiznos dinner in Southern New Hampshire
• Drive 9 hours to a foreign land while listening to tales of contemplated military service, hitting the lowest of lows and barroom brawls. Luckily I'm naive and think they are just catchy songs that help the time go by.
• Shoot random elk, moose and deer at 3 am while releasing primal screams that would make Howard Dean swell with pride.
• Aid in the hydration of bushes on the edge of Niagara Falls
• Ingest multiple grams of caffeine in the form of three venti hazelnut soy lattes, six red bulls, three gas station coffees and one diet coke. I know, I know, diet soda is bad for me.
• Listen to Toronto area news stations discuss how the Blue Jays will do in the playoffs. Despite being 12 games back. In late August. And sucking. Really.
• Watch Jon Lester throw a couple innings of batting practice to the Jays.
• Mmmmm...steak and crab legs
• Cirque du Soleil with my mom and her fiancee. If I'm doing this at 40 and still single, feel free to openly question my sexuality.
• Ten Layer Cake at Gretzkey's
• Finally, the sweet embrace of unconsciousness...

Overall, not a bad time. Toronto is a great city, the Sox turned it around the next day, and our hotel was amazing. I wouldn't recommend going more than a day without sleep, but if you have to, this is a pretty kick ass way to spend it.

Fun in Horsham

Despite my best efforts, I've been unable to avoid the blogosphere for more than a couple weeks. Add to the fact that my many fans (many can be defined as more than 2, right?) have asked, nay, DEMANDED more posts, and everyone's favorite blogger is right back on track. How about we do this one Q&A style...

Dwight (of Dwight and Carol) writes: "I'm an old man and my days have been devoid of joy since you've stopped posting. Please, share some of your day-to-day exploits and help me make it to my 73rd year."

Well Dwight, what can I say. I just finished a 28 day road trip which I chased with an immediate jump back into the world of software security. Now, don't be jealous, it's not as glamorous as it seems - it's all hack this and break that, but not a whole lot more. Other than that, I've been filling my time with various pursuits of love, miracle cures, continued travels and the ever continuing research of my next auto to replace the trusty Saab.

"Wait", you may say. "Love? Miracle cures? More travels! NOT THE SAAB! Screw the Q&A - go into more details."

I'm not one to deprive my fans, so let's go at this one list style...

Pursuits Of Love?

Alright, lets not get ahead of ourselves on this one. Love is a wee bit strong, but I was somehow able to metaphorically club a lovely lady over the head and drag her home. My escape from the gorilla like clutches of singledom are no doubt due to a combination of my boyish good looks, awkward yet amusing mumblings, eloquent nature of speaking, and of course, this very blog.

Add to the fact that this is yet another 22 year old (I keep getting older, but they stay the same age!), and life isn't all that bad. At this point, I'm obliged to make three statements:

1. Sorry mom - I swear I was trying for an older one.
2. Sorry Mia Manda. Not sure for what yet, but I figure I should just throw it out there.
3. Sorry to everyone else - No naked photos to share. Yet.

I'll save the tales of romantic exploits for future posts, direct-to-VHS videos and family gatherings. Feel free to wonder aloud how I pulled this one off (and how far away she'll move once she comes to her senses...)

Ok, even a blind dog finds a bone sometimes. But what is this talk of miracle cures?

Upon returning to my humble abode (please note the irritated sarcasm on this one), I found my front door covered in monstrous weeds. Unfortunately, I decided that I should get my annual dose of manual labor in and started pulling like a three year old in need of a potty.

Now, in life, there are certain things that select groups of people can usually identify. Fat people always know when a golden corral is nearby. Pervs can usually find an adult superstore in less than 3 minutes on a Saturday evening. Frat boys can find a passed out sorority girl in mere seconds, and techies can find a Micro Center in a micro second (I know, lame). Unfortunately, I know of at least one person who should know what Poison Ivy looks like, but after 28 summers has yet to learn.

I'll not go into the details of puss drenched paper towels, hotel rooms covered in peeling skin, visits to urgent care and steroids that will not make me buff, but do want to share a couple little secrets. There are two products on the market that help remove urushiol from skin and speed the healing. They are called Tecnu Extreme and Zanfel. While they weren't a miracle cure for me, they did stop the oozing a few days early - just in time for me to visit Horsham and Toronto...

Toronto! Horsham? Do tell...

In the glamorous life of consulting, there are many travel opportunities. "Wow!" most people think "I'd love to travel!" Hey, so would I - to New York, Chicago, London, Paris - hell I'd even settle for Norway in the summer.

Unfortunately, I've spent months of my life in Montgomery, AL, Mechanicsburg, PA, Columbus, OH and now Horsham, PA. I shouldn't complain, but there is only such much to love about a Candlewood Suites with an over-amorous neighbor (the room is only home to one person - I asked), a recliner with a 3 inch hole to prove that, yes, they are in fact stuffed with real cotton, and remnants of the last 12 guests who showered in (and around) my bathroom.

Luckily, my stay in Horsham was extended by a day, therefore shortening my weekend visit to Toronto to see the Sox play. Now, my boss was cool about it, and my travel mates didn't seem to mind too much, but having to choose sitting in Horsham writing a blog over an extra night of Canadian stripper boobies in my face was not an easy decision. I guess I'll at least save a buck or two this way and hopefully make a few of you laugh.

And finally, the Saab...

It's a great car. The turbo is new, the seats comfortable, and the gas mileage great. But as another New England winter slowly creeps up on us and my disposable income taps on my shoulder, I've begun my search for a replacement. I really have no idea which way I want to go with this, so feel free to throw out a suggestion or two. Just remember that All Wheel Drive or Four Wheel Drive are required, I am cheap, and I'd prefer something that conveys my elevated level of masculinity.

And that is how I spend my life when I'm not driving around the country. I'll try to liven it up a bit, but can't make too many promises.

Until next time...

Days 25-26: What A Long Strange Trip It's Been*

After a couple victorious nights in Kansas City, I realized that I was ready for a return trip home. I was very tired. My car was somehow still running. I wanted to get dressed without having to lay on an air mattress. I'd not passed out, gotten arrested or broken international treaties at any point. Every memory was fond and most of the pictures great. Sure, I'd miss visiting a handful of friends in the greater DC area (big thanks to the Newdorfs for offering housing) and have to skip a couple more national parks, but it was time.

Bright and early on day 25 I jumped out of my tent and began the 22 hour drive from KC to Pelham, NH.

View Larger Map

I was determined to get home as quickly as possible, so sight seeing was kept to a minimum. I did make a couple observations though:

• There is actually stuff east of Kansas City. Between San Fran and KC there were about 12 gas stations total. East of KC there are towns every 15 miles. It was a comforting feeling.
• Traveling East of the Mississippi brings back the adult superstores. They are everywhere. The best are the ones with "Jesus Saves" signs right next to them. I'm not sure if this is a reference to a reborn savior or MLB relief pitcher, but apparently he is good at it one way or another.
• Sonic restaurants do actually exist. The commercials are all over the Northeast, but the restaurants aren't. Northeasterners will be glad to know that the midwest contains the majority of these deliciously greasy dining establishments.
• St. Louis scares me. I only drove through, but it looked kinda like a hole. Everyone I know from there chooses to work somewhere far away for 5 days a week. I'm sure it's a nice place, but the abandoned warehouses and run down buildings convinced me to shoot right through.

After a day and a half of driving with a brief stop in a Syracuse hotel (big thanks to MiaManda for keeping me awake on the phone until I got there), I was finally home. Luckily the drive was uneventful and quick. I figure this is the best place to share a few stats:

• State license plates seen (mostly by Janine): 49 - including a Hawaii one in Alaska. I have no idea how we missed West Virginia.
• Miles driven: 9,732 - plus several hundred more traveled by sea.
• Amount spent on gas: $1,504.92. Compare this to flight and car rental costs and the price of gas doesn't make me want to cry as much.
• States/Provinces Visited: 25. Maine, New Hampshire, Massachusetts, New York, Pennsylvania, Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin, Minnesota, South Dakota, Wyoming, Montana, Alberta, British Columbia, Alaska, Washington, Oregon, California, Nevada, Arizona, Utah, Colorado, Kansas, Missouri
• Girls convinced to go on a date because they like the blog: 1 (poor thing)
  

So this journey is over. I'm pretty excited to see what kind of trouble I get myself into in the future. I'd like to do another Q&A, so send the questions my way if you have them. I'll leave everyone with a before/after pic to show the effects that such a trip may have on you. Hope you enjoyed.

-Chad

After Vacation--->
<----Before Vacation

*Grateful Dead (duh)

Days 23-24: Sox in KC

I'd love to be creative and witty when writing about my trip from Denver to Kansas City, but I'm just not that good. I'll not kid my loyal readers (or myself), I was stopping in Kansas City for one reason only - to watch grown men run around in cotton-lycra blends, slap each other on the bum and get sweaty with each other in the triple digit heat.

Add to the fact that I was going on 3 (or was it 4?) days without clean underwear, and my whole impression of Kansas City is based on laundromats, campgrounds, Kauffman Stadium and fine dining establishments that charge less than $15 for a full meal.

So without further unnecessary rambling, here are my generalized impressions of Kansas City:

The roads out west are VERY straight

Seriously - look at this map. It is roughly 500 miles of a straight road that angles one degree this way or that at every 25 mile marker. This leads to a damn boring drive, but at least I had the Sox to welcome me once I arrived.

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This really is a Red Sox Nation

Nearly every place I went with my cap on - ballparks, stores, hiking trails, etc - I would get a "Go Sox!" welcome. People love everything about them: the story, the players, the winning ways (of late), the merchandising. Unfortunately, a KC fan was nice enough to point out that a majority of people at the ballpark were actually mid-western band wagon fans who couldn't name a player before 2002. To prove his point he asked a few groups what they liked about Mike Greenwell, with which he only received replies of blank stares and dodgy eyes.

It is perfectly acceptable to be a newer fan, but please identify yourself with a pink hat or at least try to avoid wearing old school jerseys if you don't know who actually wore that #9.

People west of the Mississippi love to hit my car

Yup, it happened once again. I was sitting in a parking lot (with one leg out my car door no less) and I got backed into. This isn't a huge deal since it was at about 2 miles an hour. What was a big deal was the octogenarian not realizing his auto was immobile due to its' being wedged against my bumper. Once he revved the engine three or four more times and slid my car forward about 4 inches, he apparently found just enough room to put his car in drive and glide away. I started to walk after him, but realized that backing into cars may be a sign that he may also drive into people. Just another war wound for the beast.

KC is a great place to watch baseball

The Royals fans are great. They know that they have a young, talented team which needs a few years to mature. They cheer hustle and good fundamentals. They don't boo poor plays or mental errors. The media presents the players in a good light and the players remain involved in the community. Definitely a good baseball town.

Fortunately, the fans don't flood the stadium each night, so tickets 5 rows behind the dugout were readily available for face value at the box office. Add that to consecutive 8-2 victories, great pulled pork and clean undies, and I had the time of my life in this soon to be renovated stadium.

Laundromats are confusing places

Why would anyone put a front load washer directly across from a top load one? Doesn't it just lead confused tech geeks to washing their clothes a total of 3 times before realizing that most dryers don't offer an option for the water temperature? $10 extra dollars and an hour later, I did finally figure out where the dryers were (luckily, right next to the Donkey Kong game) and within 45 minutes my bits and pieces smelled of a fresh Spring day.

After seeing 2 great games, I came to the realization that I was ready to head home. Up next - What A Long Strange Trip It's Been

Top 10 Web Sites

If you're seeing this post, it means I haven't had time to write in a day or so. Please enjoy until I find a much needed WiFi fix...

Have you ever opened up your browser history just for fun and learned something about yourself? I know, you'll say it was your brother/best friend/roommate looking at that site, but all those other ones still say something about you.

I decided to give this a try so if I'm ever asked, "What do you do at work all day?" by one of my superiors, I can give an honest answer to them. While this may not win me productivity points, I might be able to keep my job due to my combination of honesty and boyish good looks.

So here are the sites I'm willing to admit to. A few other showed up in my history that I don't quite recall visiting, but rest assured that I will investigate them fully and add to the list as necessary.

Reddit/Digg

If you don't know what these two sites are, take a look. They are full of tons of great links that can take you from 8am to noon every day without having to do one productive task. If you do know what they are, don't bitch about how much better one is than the other - it's a matter of preference (and Reddit is better).

Wikipedia

Need to win a bet that doesn't require a source with a high level of accuracy to win? Wikipedia's the site for you. You can find nearly any information you need here. What, it's not there? Then add it! You don't know if you're right? Don't worry, someone else will fix it for you.

The Trailer Park Boys

Have you ever driven by a trailer park? Maybe you've been spoiled living in the DC suburbs and want to see how the other half lives? This is the site for you. Possibly the best thing to come out of Canada since Alex Trebek, the Trailer Park Boys is smart comedy at it's best disguised as a COPS/The Office documentary style mash up.

xkcd

Some people seem to have it all: Their health, a great family, a big house and a lot of friends, but still complain about a feeling of emptiness deep down inside. Luckily, Randall Monroe has found a way to fill that void with the wit, sarcasm and humor that can only be conveyed through stick figures and a knowledge of all things geek that would make Linus Torvalds shake his head.

eHarmony/okCupid

So you want to meet the love of your life, but there is just too much competition when you're trolling the hobby shop, arcade and GameStop? I have the exact same problem - how weird! I've found these two are the best for meeting ladies with similar interests and goals. Don't worry, I know a lot of normal people that have had good luck too.

iGoogle

Not just Google, iGoogle! Your own personalized portal where you can view your Google Mail, read you Google Docs and RSS Feeds, and check your Google calendar. It's a one stop shop for providing all of your sensitive data to a bunch of super-thinkers in Silicon Valley.

CNN Money

Are you in an office pool to see who has lost the least money in their 401(k) this year? Check out the tickers on CNN Money. Maybe you've been living in a cave and are wondering about the state of the housing market. I think this site might have an article or two to fill you in.

MSN

Sick of those straight laced news sources like the BBC and Fox News that don't sensationalize*? Check out MSN. It will give you just enough celebrity gossip, dating/divorce tips and workout guides to give you something to discuss while drowning out the CNN feed blaring in the lunch room at work.
*If you don't get the partial sarcasm in this sentence, please never read this blog again.

Facebook

Remember that friend of a friend of a cousin that wore cute librarian glasses, graduated from some school in Boston and had a name that started with an S or T? Well, with a Facebook account, some creative search techniques and enough time, you can track her down. Luckily, it's a nice clean interface that hasn't quite reached "sketchy" status, so you don't feel like a stalker the whole time, just when you eventually find her. So I've been told.

Dirt Dogs/Red Sox Official Site

If you need to ask, you fall into one of two categories: You're either not a Sox fan, or you are a poser. For the former you can be forgiven, everyone makes mistakes. For the latter, you better step up to the plate or stop taking up precious seats at Fenway.

I'm On The Road: Time to Give Back

Howdy everyone,

I'm on the road again, so I haven't had time to write up the last few days. Now it's your turn to give back to my stalker community. Fill up that little comment box below with your favorite Chad story. Pretty much, use it as a repository for warning the FGOCs what they are getting into.

Please try to avoid saying how awesome I am - I figure there will be at least 3 or 4 more weddings where I can be toasted, so just save it for those. And have a little decency. I know plenty of stories exist, so write away...

-Chad

Day 22: Filth, Flam, Filth

Filth is a strange thing. Most of us will go well out of our way to avoid it, but once it happens we realize it isn't the most horrible thing (unless of course you're around other, cleaner people). Filth (NSFW) is probably the best way to describe my 8 hour drive to Denver.

The day saw me rise at 6 am still encrusted in the sweat, dirt and disgustingness brought about by a 3 hour hike in the Grand Canyon. Due to excessive lines at the canyon showers and a complete lack of showers in Zion, my bedtime odor was less than desirable. Needless to say, my morning stench was breathtaking (not in the good way) and I was wishing for a washing. To complicate the situation, I arose 2 hours before all the shower facilities in nearby Springdale opened and ended up driving about a hundred miles to the nearest KOA that offered $10 showers.

In most cases, the problem would be solved. Not for this bumbling fool though. I had passed up an opportunity to wash my clothes while in San Francisco since I thought I had plenty - and for some articles I did. If I only wore around hiking socks and sweatshirts, I would have been fine (I strongly advise against picturing that image). Unfortunately, other essentials such as underwear, shorts and t-shirts were needed. The end result was a unwashed, unshaven, disheveled fool going through a pile of sweat and dirt stained clothes and smelling them to see which pair of boxers and shorts were the least dirty ("most clean" was the original wording here, but that would have wrongly implied some cleanliness). Luckily for all the campers, I was doing this about 10 feet from the all -you-can-eat pancake breakfast, so all in all, I ruined about a dozen people's morning and still smelt of a baby's diaper. Not a bad couple of accomplishments before 9am.

Once my uncleanliness debacle was complete, I shot on up to I-70 for the 9 hour drive to Denver.

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Since this drive took up the majority of my day, I figured I should go into a little more detail about my Saab. This thing is a beast - it's going strong with 107,000 miles on it. It has great leather seats that I ripped from my brother's beater. The gas gauge doesn't work, only about half of the pixels displaying the time and radio station do (I always know how far past the hour it is, but not necessarily the hour itself), and at least one of the air conditioning fans is falling out of the casing. Overall, it's a pretty sweet ride. Of course, when you take a trip that has covered roughly 8,000 miles up to this point, even this classy auto is bound to get messy. I'll let the pictures do the talking:

The Front Seats

The Back Seat:

The Trunk:

As I approached Denver, I started looking for a place to do laundry. Then I spotted it. No, not the "Super Duper Watch Naked Coeds Wash Your Clothes For Free Laundromat". Nope, I spotted Coors Field, home of the Colorado Rockies. Needless to say, I had a dilemma - do I go another day without clean clothes, or do I miss the Rockies/Nats game?

It turned out to be one of the simpler choices I've ever made. Even though I ended up wearing the same underwear for 3 straight days and only lasted 4 innings at the game, it was a great time. The stadium is beautiful, security was super nice when they "randomly" searched me because I apparently fit some kind of profile, the beer was cheap ($5 for a Blue Moon) and the fans were somewhat knowledgeable of the game. Overall it was a great time and well worth stinking for another day or two.

After a few innings of Little League level ball (the Nats are THAT bad), I jumped back in the Saab and, ignoring the conventional wisdom, drove east. The Limon, CO KOA was nice enough to host me for a long 6 hours before I headed towards my next destination: Kansas City (and 2 Sox games!!!)

Day 21: The Grandest of Canyons

Last I reported in with my ever insulting fan base, I had driven nearly 800 uneventful miles across the Mojave desert in the middle of the night. The journey left me at a KOA just an hour short of the Grand Canyon with high hopes of an equally grand day.

The morn began with a quick tour of Williams, AZ through which the fabled Route 66 (where it is rumored you can get your kicks) runs through. The most amazing thing about Williams is how genuine the locals are - these are real cowboys at their best. I felt like I was at a denim, spur and 10 gallon hat convention. There was a rodeo. Everyone walked around with their thumbs in their belt loops. The men actually tipped their hats when ladies passed by. It was like my trip to Six Gun City when I was a wee lad, but with a higher temperature and a lower BMI.

After a delicious breakfast at the Pine Country Restaurant, I was ready to really start the day. Much to my chagrin, I soon learned that I was entering the park at noon on a Sunday (I'd kinda lost track of what day it was at this point) along with nearly every other vacationer in the world. Overall this was a very positive day, so I don't want to harp too much on my hatred towards the irritating people that make up about 90% of our population, but I figure I can squeeze a couple comments in:

• No, it's not horrible that you have to walk almost 200 yards to actually see the canyon.
• Also, your child probably shouldn't be chasing that king sized snickers with a 10 piece Kit-Kat.
• Really, it is ok to not push me while I'm in line for the bathroom.
• And finally, a 6 mile hike should not be done in a skirt and flip flops.

Now that my negativity towards tourists is out of the way (I'm one of the tolerable ones for the record), I can actually report on the Grand Canyon. This is one of the sights that was more impressive than I expected. It is wide. It is deep. It is colorful. It is hot. All in all, it is just amazing. In order to fully enjoy it in the few hours I had, I decided to hike part of the Bright Angel Trail (thanks for the tip Mom and Scott). This is an amazing trail that combines the beauty of the south rim with historic hieroglyphs and throws in a great workout to boot. I ended up going down to the 3 mile rest house and back (6 miles total) in a little over three hours. Other than donkey droppings here and there, it was an entirely enjoyable trip.

Once I triumphantly reached the trail head I decided to get ahead on my driving and head to Zion for the night.

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The desert drive was much like the others - boring, fast and uneventful. Luckily, the fuzz weren't out and I was able to get to Zion just before sunset. If this park is described as breathtaking in the day time, I have no idea how to describe it at sunset. The orange rock faces turn pink, the sky turns orange and nature seems to be working together to say "Screw IMAX, we got it all right here." The drive through the park took me about an hour, during which "Damn", "Jeezuz" and "Holy <insert your favorite naughty word here>" were uttered numerous times. As I've said before, the pics just can't do it justice, but I've posted a few anyway.

As the night grew old, I finally crashed at one of the Zion campgrounds. Unfortunately, the park doesn't provide showers and it was too dark to take a dip in the river. Added to the fact that I thought the lines were too long at the Grand Canyon to get a shower, and it goes without saying that I was very ripe. Some advice - if you ever find yourself in this position, just sleep in your Under Armour. Otherwise the odor brought about by a 3 hour hike in triple digit temperatures will escape, leading children to vomit, vultures to circle, and stoners to ask "What is that smell"?

Next stop in my travels: Denver

Day 20: Castro and Driving

Despite my friend Robert's best effort, my final day in San Francisco was less than eventful. Even with a visit to the Castro district I was unable to come up with a good story to end the second leg of my travels. (This may be one time that I am thankful for such a bland day).

After that stroll and a thorough APBA ass whooping, I was off to Williams, AZ in preparation for the Grand Canyon.

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I could go into detail of zipping through the Mojave Desert at high rates of speed, but three sentences should just about cover it: "I went fast. I nearly dirtied my Wonder Woman Underoos. I'm still alive."

So in order to keep you entertained, here is another Q&A session (and some completely unrelated pictures):

Why aren't you posting as often?
What can I say - I live an exciting life. Between rolling dice, viewing computers that are 40 years old and riding on ferries, I just can't seem to find the time. Actually - the trip back is in a shorter time span and there aren't as many campgrounds with internet access. I've actually gone a whole 2 days with no internet at one point - Egads! Don't worry - the days are being chronicled and will be posted soon. Until then, the few privileged with the knowledge of my phone number can call to get updates.

A man of such great masculinity and pure sexuality must require companionship on the road. How have you been fulfilling your manly desires?
Whoever asked this question knows me all too well. What can I say - some men have to carry greater burdens than others, and this is the life that has been chosen for me. I've become partial to interstate rest areas and the occasional truck stop - mostly because it costs me less than the brothels. Plus the post-coital bliss is intensified by the rounded bellies of big rig drivers.
(NOTE: If you've never met me - please read this again with the greatest sarcasm possible. If you're thinking of employing me and stumbled upon this blog - I guess I made that decision easy for you. Good luck filling the position.)

Is it lonely traveling alone?
Traveling with Scotty, Janine and Moose was awesome. They are among the few beings on this planet that have any tolerance for extended periods of time in my presence (and vice versa). I do miss the walkie-talkie conversations and discussions on the origin of life, globalization and flatulence, but am coping well without them. Luckily I have made some GREAT changes to the schedule that have left me too excited to be lonely - check back soon for details (If you are an English teacher, this could be used for your discussion on foreshadowing - it could also get you early retirement.) Seriously though - no, it's not that bad.

How's the facial hair going?
You be the judge (and be more Paula than Simon...)

Did you go to the original Starbucks?
I tried to go to the one in Pike Place Market, which I believe is the original. The line was literally out the door with people looking like they hate the Starbucks stereotypes and just happened to stop by that one. I figured one more irritated jackass was unnecessary so I went and grabbed some gelatto instead.

Is your dating life that bad that you're mother is pimping you out in the comments of your blog?
I wish I could say no...

What's it like?/You think I should do it?/Are you enjoying it?

• It's like what it sounds like - something different everyday followed by lots of driving. The stories are as good as you're willing to make them - it's a lot easier to ignore a German lady straddling you than it is to make light of the situation.
  
• If you like having no real plans, eating up your savings at a good rate (don't worry - I'm nowhere close to broke - I still have a few McDonald's coupons left), showering in locker rooms, living in a constant state of sweat and just not giving a sh*t, then it might be for you. This is a much larger conversation.
  
• And yes, I'm having a decent time. It will only get better in the coming days.